Season 2 of The Real Housewives of Dallas may be over, but we have two sequin- and Botox-filled episodes of a reunion to enjoy yet, so let’s get to it!
As the reunion commences, we get the usual montage of the ladies preparing for the inevitable Dallas-sized drama about to ensue: Cary does handstands on the set, Brandi and Stephanie drink cocktails with their hair in massive curlers, and LeeAnne questions the humor in a dildo (talk about beating a dead sex toy) in an effort to get Kameron wound up even further.
But first, Andy Cohen must greet every housewife and ask how they’ve been. When it comes time to welcome D’Andra, he asks if her mother had any advice for her going into the dreaded reunion, and she revealed that her mother recorded everything she thought might be brought up so D’Andra could better prepare. God bless that ancient sack of Botox and snow algae.
Then we get the first of many montages, this one showing some of the more lighthearted moments on the show, from eating worms in Mexico to LeeAnne’s hot dog costume.
Next montage: Brandi and Stephanie’s estrangement. If you recall, it was never totally clear how the falling out happened, so Detective Andy tries to uncover the truth.
Brandi acknowledges that she “got pissed” when Stephanie commented on Brandi’s marriage in her Bravo blog. Stephanie maintains she was referring to Travis and Bryan getting hammered as “a slow-moving car crash,” not Brandi’s marriage. Brandi admits she was jealous of Stephanie’s friendship with Cary. Then they both start crying because they love each other so much.
Andy switches gears, asking Stephanie about the Halloween party at which LeeAnne came dressed as “Two-Faced Stephanie.” Stephanie reiterates that it was very hurtful, while LeeAnne notes that Stephanie joked about it previously, bolstering her argument that Stephanie is, indeed, two-faced.
“You’re incredibly mean, ugly, and rude to me in your confessionals,” LeeAnne says to Stephanie, who responds that she’s just trying to be funny, but she probably shouldn’t have been so dismissive of LeeAnne’s flesh-eating bacteria. Though, in hindsight, the doctor didn’t seem super concerned about it, and LeeAnne recovered quickly, so I think maybe we can joke about it now.
Andy asks LeeAnne to imagine an opposite scenario in which Stephanie came to her party dressed as “Two-Faced LeeAnne.” LeeAnne says she would have asked her to go in the other room and talk, because she is “a problem solver.”
“Isn’t that creating a problem to be solved?” Andy chimes in, wisely.
LeeAnne immediately deflects, playing the “I have PTSD from my childhood” card.
“I think a lot of us have PTSD,” D’Andra says, “but we don’t carry it around and bring it out whenever it’s convenient.” Damn, D’Andra! She is being savage toward LeeAnne tonight, and I am here for it!
Brandi asks why LeeAnne didn’t offer her support last season when she was talking about her brother having PTSD, so LeeAnne offers up some killer side eye toward Brandi while mumbling, “Be careful.”
The next viewer question comes from someone who wonders if Kameron is a real person or a performance artist acting like a real person. That question was sent in by me.
Just kidding, but now I’m sorry I didn’t think of it, because that assessment is golden.
Kameron explains that she doesn’t want to take anything too seriously, so she lives in a bubble. A pink bubble. A pink bubble in which dogs eat only pink kibble and produce pink poo.
Turns out, that was the major flaw in her pink dog food plan (though her 5-year-old daughter thought of it immediately). Test consumers weren’t into pink poo, so that’s why the final iteration of Sparkle Dog is a mixture of pink and brown kibble.
Anyway, next Andy shows a montage so we can all relive the “class warfare” between Pink Poo Barbie and Brandi. He asks why Kameron “looks down her nose” at Brandi, and Kameron asks how, exactly she’s doing that. Brandi refers to Kameron as “Big Bird” again, so Kameron counters by calling Brandi “Oscar the Grouch who lives in a trash can.” Then she says Brandi uses her jokes to attack people, while Brandi maintains Kameron uses her zip code to be better than everyone else.
Kameron asks Brandi what she means by that, then accuses Brandi of deflecting (even though she, Kameron, asked the question). Andy asks her to define “trashy,” and she replies with “chasing someone down the beach with a sex toy,” which I’m pretty sure is straight out of Merriam-Webster. She’s a smart blonde.
“You should never bully someone with a sex toy,” she says, stonefaced.
Apparently, though, Brandi chose not to bring Sexual Chocolate to the reunion out of respect for Kameron, so that’s disappointing.
Andy switches gears again, introducing a D’Andra montage. The most interesting thing we learn from the ensuing conversation is that D’Andra has two trust funds, one from Mommy Dearest’s business and one from “oil and gas,” aka Daddy Dearest.
D’Andra is lovely but boring, so we quickly move on to a LeeAnne montage, in which we relive all of her many freakouts. Andy asks how many people think LeeAnne has benefited from anger management. Kameron recuses herself, which leaves a grand total of two votes coming from D’Andra and LeeAnne herself.
Then he asks about the infamous police report, and LeeAnne denies its existence, which is weird because stories about the police report is all over the interwebs. But whatever, LeeAnne. Brandi admits to being scared of LeeAnne, and Andy points out that she has threatened to hurt three people in the last two years that we know of.
The next montage is all about LeeAnne’s boob job (btw, the only one who hasn’t had breast surgery is Kameron, they admit), and how her surgery led to fights about doctors and whether “vagina doctors” should be performing plastic surgery. The most dramatic moment of the montage was, of course, LeeAnne threatening Cary behind the closed door in the doctor’s office, which has gone down in Real Housewives history as a top 10 moment for sure.
LeeAnne claims that Brandi “baited” her into the threats she made, and apparently D’Andra and Kameron had come to that same conclusion, assuming the editors just cut out what Brandi had been saying to goad LeeAnne. Andy reveals that there was no additional dialogue — it was all a crazy LeeAnne speech, just as the episode showed.
D’Andra makes a good point and asks where all the drama between LeeAnne and Cary came from. Cary reminds her of the accusations LeeAnne lobbed against her marriage last season, but that doesn’t explain LeeAnne’s vendetta against Cary.
LeeAnne claims she has never gotten physical, and that her threats are “just words.” (OK, so now they aren’t “just hands” ... try to keep up.) She says all she can do is try to be better every day, but Brandi calls bullshit, noting the pattern of bad behavior followed by apologies and excuses.
Andy puts Kameron on the spot, asking if she was as offended by LeeAnne’s outburst as she was by being chased with a dildo. Kameron actually defends LeeAnne, saying, “we don’t know what she was on.” Cary is quick with a retort: “Couldn’t you have 27 martinis and not say that?”
In an attempt to break the tension, Andy asks if now would be a good time to bring Mark out. LeeAnne has a strange reaction to the news that Mark is on set. First, she says she thought it was a closed set, then she notes that other husbands are in town, then she storms off the set, shouting that the reunion is “very one-sided.”
D’Andra reiterates that it is a closed set, but Cary notes that much was said about Mark this season, so he deserves a chance to speak his mind.
Meanwhile, LeeAnne slinks out a side door, asking where the big security guards are and whispering ominously, “Don’t worry, Mark. You’re safe.”
To be continued…