So. Everyone is up in arms over the 20-inch female Egyptian cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo, as well as her own snarky Twitter feed. You probably already know how I feel about outer boroughs, so it goes without saying that this rank reptile is pure trash.
Here's a short list of reason's I'm more fab than this bitch from the Bronx:
- Purple is prettier than brown
- I don't share a name with a medical benefits package
- I may smell, but I don't bite
Let's look at one of her tawdry tweets:
"On top of the Empire State Building! All the people look like little mice down there. Delicious little mice."
Who goes to the Empire State Building? More importantly, who admits to going to the Empire State Building? Looks like *somebody* has spent too many nights watching Sleepless in Seattle.
In truth, this snake is a sucker for all variety of tourist traps, from the Met and the Seinfeld diner, to the Museum of Natural Science and Ray's Pizza. Not to unleash my fangs, but whenever I head to "the city," you won't find me anywhere listed in Frommer's. I frequent the boutique hotels you haven't even heard of (perhaps you've seen my petals at the Thompson or Hotel Gansevoort with other socialite Internet creatures like Heidi the opossum and the late Knut).
And I'm sorry, but the Met's simply not for me — I prefer private patron previews at the Frick and Neue Galerie.
Of course, how could she know any better? The snake is from the Bronx's only public draw. I'll have to hold back judgment on the zoo — the only time I've gone north of a two-digit numbered block was while summering on Martha's Vineyard. I don't blame the poor thing for escaping from its off-exhibit enclosure, far off from the public. A diva needs room to breathe. I'd take my throne at the Houston Museum of Natural Science greenhouse over a closet at the Bronx Zoo any day.
The cobra may be having a fine time terrorizing Manhattan, but I hear that there's a honey badger out on the loose from the Central Park Zoo . . . so she better keep those beady eyes peeled.
Corpse Flower Lois is the superstar corpse flower who caused an international sensation at the Houston Museum of Natural Science last summer. She continues to like her espresso with no Splenda and doesn't give a f*** what you think.