The REAL Princess Diaries
Zooey Deschanel looms as the perfect Kate Middleton in new royal wedding flick
Haven't gotten an invite to the wedding of the year? No worries if you’re not jetting across the pond for Prince William and Kate’s nuptials. Lifetime has something better in the works: William & Kate, a made-for-TV movie chronicling the two’s courtship.
The femme-friendly cable network known for gems like Pregnancy Pact and Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? describes William & Kate as a retelling of “the history of William and Kate — from the moment the two students met at Scotland's prestigious University of St. Andrews, through the ups and downs of their nine-year courtship complicated by social and royal family pressures, and intense global media attention surrounding their storybook nuptials.”
The Konigsberg Company will produce William & Kate, with Frank Konigsberg (Lifetime's Sex & Lies in Sin City, Lifetime Movie Network's Lies in Plain Sight) serving as executive producer. Mark Rosman (Greek, Ghost Whisperer) is set to direct the screenplay by Nancey Silvers (Lifetime's Sundays at Tiffany's and Girl, Positive).
Newcomer Nico Evers Swindell has been cast as William. The coveted role of Kate remains open. Although the network isn’t famous for A-list casts, we’re keeping our expectations high. Why not an indie type like Zooey Deschanel?
Can’t you see it — she’s not like the other girls who throw themselves at the prince. She’s ... different. Of course "different" will mean she has a slightly less generic haircut and sighs a lot about being misunderstood.
As for the storyline, we imagine a heavy mix of The Bachelor (a commitment-phobic Chris O'Donnell must find a bride in order to receive his inheritance). Here's a plot-prediction for what we think should be titled, "The REAL Princess Diaries.” Consider this your sneak peek.
First meeting: The girls ogle William at St. Andrew’s. One busty blonde (think of a sultry Brooklyn Decker) sends him a note in Ancient Greece class. However, he drops the note when Kate (played by Zooey) says something super smart about Athena! Meet Kate: she’s smart. She’s different. She has brown hair, goddamnit! After class he asks her to dinner. She says maybe.
Dorm room: William throws a cricket ball or shoots pool in a communal dorm lounge while discussing how different this girl is. Of course it is never elaborated as to exactly how she's different. (Much like Scarlett Johansson in Vicky Christina Barcelona and Lost and Translation, you simply accept her as the misunderstood, hot indie chick even though there's nothing in the plot or dialogue to back it up.)
Meanwhile, Kate’s friends squeal that she must accept. She rolls her eyes and sighs, “A prince? I don’t think that’s my type.” She’s, like, so down to earth!
First date: The two embark on an adventure in a park, preferably lit by Christmas lights. Beck’s “Think I’m In Love” plays as they jumping into leaf piles or have a snowball fight. Out of breath from running for no reason, the two stop on a bridge. Did you hear that— a BRIDGE! That's where true love happens. Cue first kiss.
Uh-oh, stuff is complicated! The media can’t get enough of Kate. But she just wants to be normal. Ugh, she didn’t realize dating a prince would make her, like, famous! In anger she says something that reminds William of his mother’s problem with the paparazzi. Oopsie. Apologies, crying and bonding follow.
Double uh-oh: Stuff is more complicated! Her 24-hour bodyguard suspects her iPhone has been hacked (Apple sponsorship alert!) and turns off Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” at the best part of the song. What a drag! This sitch totes interferes with her social life!
William is a jerk. In Switzerland the two see a copy of a tabloid referring to her as “Waity Katie.” She turns it backwards in the newsstand and sighs. Over crumpets he asks if she’s upset about the magazine headline. “Will, this isn’t about the magazine; it’s about us!” she wails, throwing her napkin on the table. A breakup ensues, as it does following every napkin-throwing.
Both William and Kate are miserable. Katie’s friends French-braid her hair and paint her toenails; William’s friends get him drunk. His wild brother Harry (played by Rupert Grint) and friend Guy Pelly (Stifler-type) encourage William to “sow his wild oats.” Harry snorts vodka and humps a bar stool and Guy points William to a girl in a tube top by jukebox and ... omigod she's that blonde slut (Brooklyn Decker) from St. Andrews!
Just as Blonde Slut pins drunk-and-confused William against the wall, in walks Kate! Her friends have decided to take her out for a drink to cheer her up, and it happens to be the same bar. Her eyes well with tears. William stares at her with desperate longing and regret. Cue Bon Iver’s “Blood Bank” and scenes of the two hugging and/or punching pillows alone in their posh bedrooms.
Concert for Diana at Wemberly Stadium: Kate and William sit two rows apart. Kate is mature and polite. William needs her support on this emotional night, but he’s too afraid to ask. Insert nonsensical reconciliation that leaves the audience befuddled but hopeful.
Jump to Kenya: Kate is a bronze goddess in a leggy khaki safari dress. She glows and tells him that she doesn’t care if they ever get married — she’s just happy! WHO NEEDS TO GET MARRIED ANYWAY!
Ironically, it’s hearing this that makes William realize that he does want to get married! Surprise! Magically, he has a ring ready and gets down on one knee.
Roll credits as goofy-face vintage-y photos (how indie!) from the wedding flash and She & Him “I Was Made For You” blares. What — you didn’t really think you were going to get away without a She & Him song, did you?
Now add in some rape, incest and battery and— viola!— classic Lifetime movie!
Unfortunately, we doubt they’ll snag Zooey. Who would you like to see in the upcoming flick? Do you think the movie will stay true to the couple's courtship or opt for a plot only loosely-based on real events?