Reality Bites

Shallow & just plain crazy: Those Dallas women in Big Rich Texas are over the top

Shallow & just plain crazy: Those Dallas women in Big Rich Texas are over the top

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Move over Housewives of New Jersey, New York and Beverly Hills. The Lone Star state has entered the latest “must see” reality TV train wreck of warring women with the debut of Big Rich Texas.

I discovered this gem this week while flipping through the TV channels after both President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner had addressed the nation and basically said, “It's the other parties fault we have no debt crisis solution.” So yes, I was looking for a bit of levity and perhaps even some comic relief. 

Voila! Big Rich Texas on the Style Network was the answer to my ennui. Eight Dallas women contemplating life’s great issues burst across the screen. 

Uh, scratch that.

Actually I dropped into the end of the second episode of the series, "Beauty Queen Drop Out," that featured such poignant heartaches as not coming in first in a beauty pageant and whether or not to have a “boob” job (for a 22-year old woman). I know Dallas is a pressure cooker type of town, but it must be really hard to keep it together as a woman with these types of standards at the Woodhaven Country Club, which is actually located in Fort Worth, but let’s not get too anal — that’s right next door to the Big D.

 Bottle blondes, articulate backstabbing, and, of course, the ultimate Texas curse words, “Bless her little heart," are all covered during the first two episodes of Big Rich Texas. 

Dang, in Houston our social scene is all geared around raising big bucks for charitable causes. But honey, the “girls” and I do mean the  “girls” (because the adults don’t act like responsible adults) in Big Rich Texas are looking to score tiaras taller than the fascinator Princess Beatrice wore to the wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (you know — Wills and Kate). This is important stuff to them.

It’s helpful to visit the Style Network website and check out the cast since it can be difficult to distinguish the four moms from the four young women. The moms all have meaningful professions including pageant consultant, author and global marketing executive, boutique owner, a Biology PhD and model.

OK, I’m a bit jealous. I haven’t written a novel.

The three daughters and one goddaughter range in age from 15 to 23 years. An eight-year age difference is significant at this stage in life.  So it’s not surprising that the young women are focused on such “career” goals as making the cheerleading squad, winning beauty pageants, dating boys and yes, even sometimes attending college. All eight women are attractive, because this series is centered in Dallas — the land of attractive people. 

Perhaps one or two of these ladies may have dipped into the surgical well a bit too deep, but I’m being generous about the looks thing — because that’s all in the eye of the beholder — or at least that’s what my Mom told me.

There’s also a neato feature on the website, Crazy Country Club By-Laws, that can help the unitiated (like me) understand that I should never wear a tube top to the Woodhaven Country Club. Honestly, I should never, ever wear a tube top even if I’m hiding in my closet in my house. 

And even though all professional female tennis players are wearing whatever the heck they like (see Serena Williams), at the Country Club one must wear white — and please make it a skirt. Bermuda shorts are OK — but just OK. Now here’s a rule this Jersey-girl-turned-Houston-transplant understands: No white clothing before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.

I gasp when my Houston BFFs wear their sexy white jeans in April. I mean, really ladies? 

Other tips relate to golf, which I haven’t played in 17 years so I skipped over those. But tattoos? I was shocked that you could rock them at the Country Club in your bikini especially with the “c” word tattooed on your foot. Don’t despair, the offending tattoo gets removed in a later episode in exchange for lip enhancement. 

The Zumba class replacement for the yoga class is a classic to watch — my dancer friends would be semi-hysterical with laughter and my yogi friends would be mystified. And, to increase the ranks of women with serious body issues and eating disorders, the pageant consultant mom asks all the very normal weight contestants to lose five to seven pounds in two weeks prior to the competition. In the next breath she plans a pizza and ice cream binge party to celebrate after the competition. Therapy anyone?

Bottle blondes, articulate backstabbing, and, of course, the ultimate Texas curse words, “Bless her little heart," are all covered during the first two episodes of Big Rich Texas. So tune into the Style Network and get up to speed, because the third installment of the series airs, "Brawling Beauty Queens," on Sunday night (8 p.m., with multiple repeats throughout the week).

I’m planning to have a watch party at my house — and you should plan one with your girls as well. Because if there’s anything all Houstonians can agree on, is that the people of Dallas are downright shallow and just plain crazy.

In her spare time, public relations consultant Susan Schmaeling loves to lay on her sofa with her beloved dog Tessie and watch trashy reality TV shows.