Does Twin Peaks stack up as a sports bar? The breastaurant view of the game

My dream sports bar doesn’t smell like grease and week-old alcohol. It’s not too dark or bright and boasts both healthy and heart attack inducing food. It has craft beers on tap and a full bar, preferably with a decent selection of unusual whiskeys.

In an effort to find this magical place, I have embarked on a journey to visit a new bar every week this football season.

I call it my Fantasy Football Watching League. Instead of wide receivers, quarterbacks and defenses I'm rating the crowds, the television ubiquity, the food and the drinks. Game on!

My first stop is Twin Peaks, one of the newer breastaurants inside the Loop.

The Crowd

On game days, you most likely have to valet for $3. Kind of a pain, but not a dealbreaker.

The true deal breaker is the two- to three-hour wait on game days. If you have your heart set on watching the Houston Texans, you better get there hours before the game because they don’t take reservations. The crowd here is pretty mellow. Everyone is there for the game, and some people even bring their families.

There are the occasional rowdy fans, but overall people keep it friendly, much like the service. For a breastaurant, the vibe is surprisingly un-sketchy, the service is fast and full of smiles, and the girls and boobs do not disappoint.

Score: Field Goal (Three Points)

Televisions/Game viewage

Since the Twin Peaks near Kirby is still fairly new, it doesn’t have the sketchy porn smell built into the booth cushions just yet. In addition, each booth has a TV for you to channel surf to your heart’s content.

If you don’t end up getting a booth, you can still see any game you want from any angle at the bar or at a table. The place does not need lights. It could be lit solely on the thousands of television screens alone.

Like any good sports bar, Twin Peaks broadcasts the sound for the most popular game at the moment.

Score: Touchdown and a two-point conversion (Eight Points)

Drinks

Twin Peaks makes two kinds of beers: Dirty Blonde (a wheaty American blonde ale) and Naughty Brunette (a nutty American amber). They come in “girl size”, and the tall beer, appropriately named “man size.”

Not sexist at all! When you’re in the monkey house, just forget about plugging your nose and embrace the stink. The husband got the girl-size Blonde and I got the man-size Brunette.

Both sizes come in a frosted mug with a handle, which I love because allows me to talk in a pirate voice, sloshing my drink around. The Blonde could be OK in the summer, but I was not a big fan. The Brunette, on the other hand, had a nice nutty flavor to it.

In addition to the beers, Twin Peaks also has lots of shot specials and a full bar.

Score: Field goal (Three Points)

Food

The husband and I shared a medium-sized portion of pulled pork nachos. At first sight they looked like a tower of regurgitation, which was an immediate sign that they were going to be delicious.

The pork was tender, tangy, and sweet. I liked that the nachos came in a tower with sour cream, melted shredded cheddar, queso (yes that’s different), mashed refried beans, pork, sweet tangy sauce, and green onions. The ingredients were layered so each chip gets a little of each ingredient. The chef cleverly drizzled the sauce and queso so that each chip had a lot of flavor.

We also shared the Peaks Sampler of buffalo tenders, mozzarella sticks, queso, fried pickles, salsa, and chips. The appetizers were nothing to write home about, but my friend’s larger-than-Texas-sized chicken fried steak was surprisingly one of the best versions of a CFS I have ever had. Pounded very thin and not overly breaded, the meat was fried to a crisp yet still tender and juicy.

The potatoes and green beans that came on the side were ignored. If you’re looking for healthier options, you’re pretty much out of luck. Twin Peaks' salads are loaded with high calorie ingredients, and the breastaurant's grilled fish is soaked in butter.

Score: Touchdown (Seven Points)

Recap: 21 points

If you want to go to Twin Peaks during a popular game, get there early and plan on spending the entire day drinking unique beer, eating unhealthy but delicious food, and enjoying views of both the game and, as Twin Peaks calls it, “the scenic view.”

Not too shabby, if you ask me.