How did Halloween become Whore-o-ween? Slutty costumes now dominate the holiday

When and how did Halloween become Whore-o-ween?

We’re celebrating the otherworldly, not filming a porn. When did Alice in Wonderland add thigh-highs to her getup? Why is a bumblebee prancing around in plastic platform stilettos? Even more disturbing, who gave the go-ahead for the tooth fairy to wear pasties? Is that the type of fairy you want creeping around your little niece’s bed?

Although we can never know for sure how the slut trend began, with the help of esteemed historians, I created the following flow chart:

Spirits→ ghosts→ goblins→ demons→ the devil→ Aqua Teen broodwich→ sandwich→ food→ push pops→ blow pops→ blow jobs→ porn→ stripper shoes→ strip malls→ trashy→ slutty→ sexy nurse costume

Some argue that Halloween is a time to explore your sexuality. Though I fully support personal exploration (I listen to the Savage Love Cast), it isn’t an activity to partake in for the amusement of ogling strangers. Keep the bedroom in the bedroom.

You’re attending a fall holiday party, not a fetish ball.

What's worse is that most partygoers aren't used to strutting their stuff so scantily clad, which can lead to serious embarrassment. Panty flashes and stiletto stumbles are the least of your worries.

If Us Weekly has taught me anything it's that booze + tiny outfit = nipple slips. It's a proven mathematical fact. Halloween is the worst night to challenge this math, as everyone will have a camera to document your mishaps. (No, really, EVERYONE!) They will post them on Facebook.

So for all you ladies out there slutting it up this Whore-o-ween, look for me at this month’s festivities. I'll be the blonde in the homemade costume holding a glass of gin — and I’ll be laughing at you.