Oh no, a couple of crazy celebrities are getting divorced. What hope is there for the rest of us?
Tom Cruise, 49, must be feeling pretty good after his surprisingly incredible performance as washed-up rock god Stacey Jaxx in Rock of Ages, because he has released his sad, silent robot wife, Katie Holmes, from her five-year contract of marriage. Apparently, couch-jumping love can come to an end.
If only sweet Tom knew that he didn't need Katie to remain relevant or viable in Hollywood.
The May-December couple has been a couple in only the strictest definition of the word over the past five years. Marrying the young, beautiful Holmes, 33, never slowed any of the rumors of Cruise's "wandering" sexuality. And no amount of famous Scientology friends or visits from Oprah have reduced the amount of perceived craziness lurking in every crevice of their household.
If only sweet Tom knew that he didn't need Katie to remain relevant or viable in Hollywood. He just needed to start making films where he poked fun at his own bizarre brand of celebrity. Once he took those strange, memorable roles (like in Rock of Ages and Tropic Thunder), people loved him even more for being such a loon in the first place.
Who cares if you're a tiny, gay Scientologist with an inflated ego, Tom? You're still Maverick, in our eyes.
But, bless you most of all, sweet, sweet Katie. You wanted a beautiful baby, and you got her. Suri Cruise is a beautiful, fear-inducing specimen who might one day rule us all (if she can oust Blue Ivy Carter for that title).
But at what cost has Suri's proud lineage been for you, Katie? What horrors have you seen these past five years?
"This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family," Holmes's attorney, Jonathan Wolfe, told People. "Katie's primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter's best interest."
It is a shame that we won't be able to watch these two odd ducks grow old together, miserably. But now we can see what other sweet former television star Cruise will ensnare in his Dianetics-driven vision for the future. I'd keep my eye out on the nubile young cast of the new 90210.
Farewell, TomKat. We hardly knew you at all. Because, really, how could we?