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    Rookie of the Year out for PEDs

    Brian Cushing suspended, Houston Texans' playoff hopes take a needle of doom

    Chris Baldwin
    May 7, 2010 | 10:47 pm
    • Reliant Stadium will be host to two great September games — but Brian Cushingwill not be there.
    • Can the Texans still make the playoffs?

    Brian Cushing put something illegal (at least under the NFL's rules) in his body, but the Houston Texans are the one who figure to feel the effects all season.

    Cushing — last year's NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year and one of the most popular Texans — has been suspended for the first four regular-season games of the upcoming 2010 season for testing positive for performance enhancing drugs. And just like that, the Texans' chances of making the playoffs for the first time took another major blow.

    It doesn't matter that the NFL let this story break on a Friday night (the best possible time to try and bury something unpleasant like steroids thoughts) rather than in a televised league-endorsed unveiling show. The end result is the same for what's quickly (and unquestionably) become the Bayou City's most popular sports team.

    Even before Cushing let the franchise down, Gary Kubiak's team was already up against it — having been handed the most difficult schedule in the league by the NFL.

    Now, Cushing — who wasted little time in establishing himself as a vital piece of an improved defense — is out for the first four games of that gauntlet, which happens to be the toughest stretch of the toughest schedule. When the Texans face the Indianapolis Colts and Peyton Manning, the Washington Redskins and Donovan McNabb, the Dallas Cowboys and Tony Romo, and the Oakland Raiders and someone not named JaMarcus Russell, they will be without their playmaking linebacker.

    That means that one of the Texans' best defensive players will miss games against three of the top five quarterbacks in the league — and a game against the league's most mismanaged franchise (sorry Al).

    Even with Cushing, the Texans likely would have been satisfied to go 2-2 against that monster start. Now without him .... they staring at the real possibility of a 1-3 beginning, a near sure playoff death knoll.

    All because Cushing failed a drug test. Forget any moral implications of taking a banned substance for a minute, the truth is that PED tests in major American pro sports are mostly intelligence tests. You largely have to be either pretty dumb, very careless or supremely arrogant (or some combination of all three) to get caught.

    The NFL does not release which banned performance enhancing drug that a player tests positive for (expect Cushing to surface publicly soon and blame the positive on a "tainted supplement," the trendy PED excuse now almost universally favored by sports stars), The truth is that Cushing's been hounded by steroids rumors since at least his USC days.

    If anyone should have been aware of the testing, it's Cushing.

    He failed his test last year and appealed. Now that he's lost that appeal, the news becomes public — and the Texans' franchise takes the body blow.

    “We were disappointed to learn that Brian has been suspended,” Texans GM Rick Smith said in a statement. "Brian is a productive member of our team, and this is a significant loss, but we have to be prepared to win without him.”

    There's a big gap between "have to" and "will" win though — a hole about the size of a 6-foot-3, 260-pound tackling terror.

    unspecified
    news/entertainment

    Movie Review

    Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

    Alex Bentley
    Dec 26, 2025 | 2:30 pm
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda
    Photo by Matt Grace
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

    In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

    The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

    Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

    Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

    The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

    It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

    Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

    Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

    ---

    Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

    moviesfilm
    news/entertainment

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