Weekend event planner

Here are the top 9 things to do in Houston this weekend

Why not make the most of your weekend break by planning ahead of time and saving yourself the last-minute scramble? Below are nine can’t-miss events, from a Game of Thrones musical journey to the Tour de Houston fundraising bike ride. For other options, check out the full CultureMap Events Calendar. And for shamrock shindigs on St. Patrick's Day this Friday, check out this CultureMap story.

Cue the music
Thursday, March 16: Musician Ben Folds hits the Jones Hall stage (7:30 pm; tickets: $29-$99 per person), along with the Houston Symphony, to perform selections from his latest album So There, which debuted at No. 1 on Billboard's Classical and Classical Crossover charts. (615 Louisiana St., 713-224-7575)

Girl power
Friday, March 17: Fifth Harmony, the all-female group formed on the second season of TV’s The X Factor, makes their debut appearance at RodeoHouston (6:45 pm; tickets: $18-$300 per person). Hit songs by the R&B-pop singers include: “Work From Home,” “Worth It,” “All In My Head (Flex),” “That’s My Girl,” and “Sledgehammer.” (NRG Stadium, 8400 Kirby Dr.; 832-667-1400)

Winter is coming to Toyota Center
Friday, March 17: The Game of Thrones Live Concert Experience heads to downtown’s Toyota Center (8 pm; tickets: $59.50- $250). Using state-of-the-art technology, Game of Thrones composer Ramin Djawadi, with a full orchestra and choir, presents fans of the Emmy Award-winning HBO series with a musical journey through the Seven Kingdoms. (1510 Polk St.; 713-758-7200)

Museum social
Friday, March 17: Members of the Houston Museum of Natural Science’s young professionals group, HMNS Catalysts, are set to host social soiree Mixers and Elixirs,at the museum (8 pm-midnight; tickets: $15 for members of HMNS Catalysts, $25 for non-members). Hit the dance floor to tunes from Top 40 to hip hop by Satellite Band, imbibe sips from a cash bar, and enjoy bites from food trucks including Nom Mi Street, OffBeat Eatz and It's a Wrap. (5555 Hermann Park Dr.; 713-639-4629)

Wakey bakey
Saturday, March 18: Turning unfavorable Yelp reviews into Saturday morning deliciousness at 10 am this Saturday, Midtown’s Fluff Bake Bar serves up baked goods, including Little Debbie themed brownies and its first-ever cannoli, inspired by comments on the popular review site. (314 Gray St.; 713-522-1900)

Dance the day away
Saturday, March 18: It’s live music galore at the Houston Zydeco Fest at Jones Plaza (12:30 pm-10 pm; tickets: $15 per person). The laundry list of bands includes Guyland and the Zydeco Blazers, Wayne and Same Ol' 2 Step, Keyun and the Zydeco Masters, and Lil Nate and the Zydeco Big Timers. (Jones Plaza, 600 Louisiana St.)

Beer abound
Saturday, March 18: The folks at 8th Wonder Brewery celebrate four years of business with a blowout bash, the Celebr8ion of Beer (2 pm-10 pm; tickets: $35-$150 per person). Fill up on fare from several food trucks, including Eatsie Boys, and wash it all down with 8th Wonder beers. Rock out to music by four-piece band White Denim, Dumpstaphunk funk band, Vinyl Ranch, and more. (2202 Dallas St.; 713-229-0868)

Free flick
Saturday, March 18: Bring a blanket and kick back on the courtyard lawn at LaCenterra while you catch a screening of musical comedy School of Rock, starring Jack Black (7:30 pm). Presented by Alamo Drafthouse, admission is gratis. (23501 Cinco Ranch Blvd., Katy; 281-395-5533)

Spin city
Sunday, March 19: Mayor Sylvester Turner leads this pack of all-level cyclists as they take a spin around town at Apache Corporation’s Tour de Houston (7:30 am; tickets: $20-$40 per person). Choose between 43.55- and 20-mile routes. Both begin at City Hall. (901 Bagby St.; 832-393-0868)

The Game of Thrones Live Concert Experience hits downtown’s Toyota Center.

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The Game of Thrones Live Concert Experience hits downtown’s Toyota Center.

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Movie Review

Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

Photo by Matt Grace

Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

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Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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