Apparently, clothes do not make the man.

The Tennessee Titans, in a screw-you move that would embarrass elementary school yard bullies, decided to wear decades-old, dead-and-gone Houston Oilers uniforms against the actual living, breathing Houston Texans on Sunday, December 17. The Titans even added an extra touch with “Oilers” in each endzone.

Nostalgia took a beating.

The Texans won 19-16 on a Ka’imi Fairbairn 54-yard walk-off field goal in the final seconds of overtime, dealing the Titans’ playoff hopes a death blow in the process (and karmic blow). Nice touch, Texans.

Tennessee hoarding the Oilers’ legacy has been an infuriating, irritating subject for Houston football fans (and legends) since the Titans began recognizing their birthright as Oilers several years ago.

How it started...

A brief history: the Oilers, who were born in 1960 as an American Football League team, moved from Houston to Tennessee in 1997. The relocated franchise actually played two seasons as the Tennessee Oilers wearing the Oilers celebrated Columbia blue uniforms. The franchise rebranded its name to Titans in 1999 and adopted new team colors.

A few years ago, the Titans began “honoring,” as they put it, their roots as Oilers. This whole Tennessee Oilers reawakening has never sat well with Houston fans who have maintained their recessive love for the original Oilers despite the Houston Texans joining the NFL in 2002.

In Houston, fans consider the Titans donning throwback Oilers uniforms Sunday as a slap in their face and AFC South declaration of war.

It’d be one thing if Nashville had any connection with the oil industry, derricks, gushers, black gold, Texas tea, big money, America’s best BBQ — or, anything that connects with Houston or the Lone Star State for that matter.

Fun fact: you wanna talk oil? Texas produces 1.8 billion barrels of crude a year, by far No. 1 in the United States. Tennessee is No. 46, producing 165,000 barrels, a comparative drop in the gas tank.

Tennessee dressing up as cosplay Oilers? Stop embarrassing yourself.

Entering the 2023 season, the Titans went nuclear by announcing they would wear throwback Oilers uniforms, complete with the word “Oilers” and derrick image on their helmets, for two home games, October 29 against the Atlanta Falcons and December 17 against, here’s a shocker, the Houston Texans.

Yeah, real subtle.

The Titans have nine home games on their schedule. They went out of their way to hold Oilers nostalgia day against Houston.

The Titans basically said, You don’t like it, Houston? Do something about it.”

...and how it ended

Oh, Houston did. The Texans won despite starting quarterback Case Keenum, who hadn’t started a game since 2021. The Texans played without rookie sensation quarterback C.J. Stroud, electrifying rookie receiver Tank Dell, rookie defensive star Will Anderson Jr., and leading pass catcher Nico Collins.

No, in your face, Tennessee.

(By the way, the price of gas in Tennessee: $2.74 a gallon. In Houston: $2.50. At my corner Valero, $2.38.)

You couldn’t blame Texans fans for being sore winners. Here’s ESPN 97.5 FM talk host Paul Gallant rubbing the Titans’ nose in their humiliating, heartbreaking defeat:

“Some advice: If you're going to troll an entire city for a full week because 25 years ago your dad was too poor to buy his own house in an extremely affordable city, make sure you don't end up losing to a third-string QB while wearing the most valuable thing you own. Life is tough enough when you're living in the shadow of what, the 10th-best football program in the SEC this century? You'd hate to get skid marks all over your pretty clothes after showing your whole ass.”

I understand about half of that, but who cares? The Titans got what they had coming.

The perfect win to watch — almost

For sure Houston laid the smackdown on Tennessee on Sunday … except for one thing.

Football fans in the Volunteer State got to watch the game on local TV. That’s because the Texans-Titans game aired on CBS and Tegna doesn’t own a CBS affiliate in Tennessee.

Back in Houston, Tegna owns KHOU, the CBS affiliate. Tegna and DirecTV are in a pee-ing match over money, and until a settlement is reached Tegna is blacking out its stations’ programming on DirecTV. So for the past three weeks, DirecTV subscribers haven’t been able to watch Texans games.

This wouldn’t have been so painful in recent years when the Texans sucked, but the Texans are competitive and fun to watch this year. The Texans have three more games this season and they’re all on KHOU. Reportedly no settlement is in sight, and guess what, the Super Bowl will be telecast on CBS in February.

I am a DirecTV subscriber. I wonder how much refund I’ll be getting because these two multi-billion dollar companies don’t give a crap about their customers?

I’m putting the over/under at $0.00.