the hero we need

Ken Hoffman rises to defend Houston from silly study's ridiculous ranking

See? We're totally laid back.

Photo courtesy of Buffalo Bayou Park

What is it this time? What did Houston do wrong now?

Something called FinanceBuzz said it studied America’s 50 biggest city and ranked them by how “laid back” they are. Total clickbait.

Seattle won the poll. Coming in second was Minneapolis, followed by Portland. Minneapolis? Laid back? You know, there’s a difference between chill … and frozen solid. They can’t leave their houses between Sept. 1 and May 30.

Finishing 50th, dead last, was Houston, making us the “most uptight” city from sea to shining sea. By the way, Texas also claimed the No. 3 spot (San Antonio) and No. 5 (Dallas).

But Houston is the cheese that stands alone — make that the queso at El Tiempo. Just like we’ve been named the Fattest City in America, the Worst Traffic in America, the Unhealthiest City in America, the This-or-That Worst City in the Milky Way.

So how does FinanceBuzz get off saying Houston is the most stressed out city? The website used four categories to rank the cities: Well Being (sleep, working from home, etc.), Liveability (parks and farmer’s markets, bike ability, noise pollution), Economy (commute times, hours worked per week, how many people live below the poverty line), and Leisure Activities (theme parks, spas, golf courses).

Houston scored well below average in all four categories. The study said Houston has horrible traffic snarls. Ya think? Our highways can’t get widened fast enough to hold the number of cars that use them each day. Sure, our public transportation doesn’t compare to other major cities, but if Houstonians prefer one person in one car, that’s our culture. Traffic happens to be my No. 1 complaint about Houston. Why am I stuck going nowhere on the Southwest Freeway at 2 pm on a Tuesday?

FinanceBuzz’s final analysis:

"A lack of leisure activities relative to population size contributes significantly to this ranking, as Houston ranks among the bottom five when it comes to the number of theme parks, golf courses, yoga studios, and concert venues per capita. Houston has the lowest leisure activities score of any city in the country, indicating a lack of relaxing diversions available for citizens."

Saying we score low in Leisure Activities is just plain ridiculous. We live outdoors 12 months a year. We have golf courses everywhere. Our restaurants are celebrated. Have you tried the brisket at the Pit Room on Richmond?

The Pit Room barbecue spread Relax over a massive tray of barbecue at The Pit Room. Photo by Duc Hoang

The poll rated Houston low for concert venues. Are you kidding? The Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion is the No. 1 concert amphitheater in the world. We have Toyota Center, NRG Stadium, the Arena Theater, Minute Maid Park, Smart Financial Center, Miller Outdoor Theater, and a hundred smaller concert places. When a major artist goes on tour, a Houston stop is included almost every time.

We have major league sports teams and gleaming stadiums and arenas. We’ve hosted Super Bowls, Final Fours, NBA All-Star Games, the Tennis Masters Finals, World Series, College Playoff Championships, WrestleManias, and heavyweight title fights. The Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo is the biggest cowboy vs. steer ‘rasslin’ event in the world.

There’s nothing to do in Houston this weekend, said nobody ever.

At least we’re being noticed. But if your poll ranks Pittsburgh as a more relaxed, preferable place to live than Houston, well, you’re plain nuts.

Houston’s best defender

Actually all those polls and criticisms of Houston created a job niche for me. Whenever a poll came out mocking Houston, I would write a column defending our hometown.

After the Super Bowl was played at NRG Stadium in 2004, visiting sports writers wrote bitchy stories about Houston. Sorry, fellas, it rained and temperatures were stuck in the 50s that week. That’s cold for us. But what’s the sports writer from Buffalo complaining about? Up in Buffalo, residents call rainy and 50 degrees … summer.

The stories were so negative that I figured the NFL’s free buffet for media ran out of fried chicken. ABC News read the stories complaining about Houston. They called me and asked if I’d go on ABC World News Tonight and defend Houston. Forrest Sawyer was the anchor that night.

I said sure. They asked where I’d like to do the interview. I said the southeast corner of Sage and Richmond. That way, the Men’s Club adult entertainment center would be in the background. No city in America does strip clubs like Houston. Just sayin’.

The camera crew set up their equipment. Just as Sawyer was ready to start, a Men’s Club bouncer came running across the street. What are you doing? Turn that camera off! We didn’t give you permission to put us in your shot!

Since the bouncer could beat us up, and we’re no First Amendment auditors screaming that we were on the public sidewalk conducting a constitutionally protected activity (I love those videos on youtube), we moved down the block. I did the interview in front of Pete’s Fine Meats.

Every time there was a poll saying Houston was the worst at whatever, I would write a column for the defense. I wrote about our golf courses, our comparatively low cost of living, restaurants and bars, our weather (that’s my favorite thing about Houston – no real winter). I may have mentioned our strip clubs.

I got so good at selling Houston that when Katie Couric did a one-hour special about America’s cities with the brightest future, I was picked to represent Houston’s media. I’m hardly an expert on Houston, though. Mostly, I just like living here.

We did the interview on a bench in front of City Hall — their idea. One of Couric’s producers did the interview. Before we started, I told the producer, if I don’t know the answer or you’re veering toward a topic I know nothing about, I’ll step on your foot and you can ask another question.

I’m guessing the producer limped back to his hotel that day.

city life city-news financebuzz ken hoffman reports

pet protection

What Texas pet owners need to know about the dangerous New World screwworm

Photo by Helena Jankovičová Kováčová/Pexels

Make sure these guys are up on their flea and tick meds.

Two New World screwworm cases in dogs are among more than 30 confirmed instances in Texas and New Mexico, prompting warnings Wednesday, July 8 from veterinarians and humane societies that pet owners need to remain vigilant to protect their animals.

The parasite reappeared in cattle in the U.S. in June, more than 50 years after it had been largely eradicated from the country. The pest is actually the larvae of the New World screwworm fly. It eats live flesh and fluids rather than dead material, as the larvae of most fly species do.

Here is what to know about the parasite, the threat it poses to pets and how to protect them:

Screwworm fly larvae can infest any mammal
The fly's migration north from Panama starting in 2024, and through Mexico in 2025, has agriculture officials warning that it poses a threat to the $113 billion U.S. cattle industry, but the larvae can hatch and breed in any mammal, including wildlife, dogs, cats and occasionally humans.

The problem develops when a female fly lays its eggs in open wounds and mucus. After the eggs hatch, the larvae feed for about a week before maturing, dropping to the ground and continuing to develop into an adult fly.

The American Veterinary Medical Association says newborn animals and animals with open wounds or who have undergone surgery or other medical procedures recently are especially vulnerable. Even a tick bite can host an infestation, Aaron Grady, executive director of the Houston Humane Society shelter, said during a webinar on the screwworm.

Screwworm fly The goal is to stop these flies from successfully breeding.Photo by U.S. Department of Agriculture

Infestation signs include restlessness and bad smell
Animal health experts say pet owners in areas where the screwworm is present — southern and southwestern Texas and southeastern New Mexico so far — should watch their animals closely and examine them for wounds, cuts and bites regularly.

Pet owners should look for any maggots or movement in a wound. Other signs include a foul smell and restlessness or anxiety in an animal, or an animal “hyper-fixating on looking or chewing in a certain area of the body," said Melissa Stansell, a veterinarian at the shelter Austin Pets Alive!

Any one of those is reason enough to go to a veterinarian. The affected animal is likely in a great deal of pain, and that can cause death from shock. The larvae also can cause death if they move into vital organs or by causing infections that turn deadly.

Flea, tick medications can stop an infestation
Humane society officials and veterinarians said shelters across Texas are trying to prevent infestations in animals by giving them prescription flea and tick medications. They recommend that pet owners do the same.

“It will kill the larvae as they ingest the blood and tissue,” Stansell said. “The chemical compositions of those products are what kill the actual larval stages of these flies.”

Veterinarians also can treat infestations and animals can recover if pet owners contact them quickly. Stansell said the treatment could include antibiotics.

“It is only fatal if left untreated,” she said.

An effort to eradicate the fly again is underway
The New World screwworm fly is a tropical species and decades ago would disappear each year when colder weather arrived with the fall or winter.

But state and U.S. Department of Agriculture officials aren't waiting for the weather to turn. They've returned to an eradication method that worked decades ago, breeding sterile male flies and releasing them into the wild. The female New World screwworm fly mates once in her monthslong life, and if her partner is sterile, her eggs won't hatch — causing the population in an area to drop and then disappear.

For years, the only factory breeding sterile flies in the Western Hemisphere was in Panama, but the USDA invested $21 million to convert a site in southern Mexico from breeding fruit flies to recently start breeding screwworm flies. The agency also plans to spend $750 million on a new fly factory in Texas, set to open next year.

screwworm fly pets