What is it this time? What did Houston do wrong now?

Something called FinanceBuzz said it studied America’s 50 biggest city and ranked them by how “laid back” they are. Total clickbait.

Seattle won the poll. Coming in second was Minneapolis, followed by Portland. Minneapolis? Laid back? You know, there’s a difference between chill … and frozen solid. They can’t leave their houses between Sept. 1 and May 30.

Finishing 50th, dead last, was Houston, making us the “most uptight” city from sea to shining sea. By the way, Texas also claimed the No. 3 spot (San Antonio) and No. 5 (Dallas).

But Houston is the cheese that stands alone — make that the queso at El Tiempo. Just like we’ve been named the Fattest City in America, the Worst Traffic in America, the Unhealthiest City in America, the This-or-That Worst City in the Milky Way.

So how does FinanceBuzz get off saying Houston is the most stressed out city? The website used four categories to rank the cities: Well Being (sleep, working from home, etc.), Liveability (parks and farmer’s markets, bike ability, noise pollution), Economy (commute times, hours worked per week, how many people live below the poverty line), and Leisure Activities (theme parks, spas, golf courses).

Houston scored well below average in all four categories. The study said Houston has horrible traffic snarls. Ya think? Our highways can’t get widened fast enough to hold the number of cars that use them each day. Sure, our public transportation doesn’t compare to other major cities, but if Houstonians prefer one person in one car, that’s our culture. Traffic happens to be my No. 1 complaint about Houston. Why am I stuck going nowhere on the Southwest Freeway at 2 pm on a Tuesday?

FinanceBuzz’s final analysis:

"A lack of leisure activities relative to population size contributes significantly to this ranking, as Houston ranks among the bottom five when it comes to the number of theme parks, golf courses, yoga studios, and concert venues per capita. Houston has the lowest leisure activities score of any city in the country, indicating a lack of relaxing diversions available for citizens."

Saying we score low in Leisure Activities is just plain ridiculous. We live outdoors 12 months a year. We have golf courses everywhere. Our restaurants are celebrated. Have you tried the brisket at the Pit Room on Richmond?

Relax over a massive tray of barbecue at The Pit Room. Photo by Duc Hoang

The poll rated Houston low for concert venues. Are you kidding? The Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion is the No. 1 concert amphitheater in the world. We have Toyota Center, NRG Stadium, the Arena Theater, Minute Maid Park, Smart Financial Center, Miller Outdoor Theater, and a hundred smaller concert places. When a major artist goes on tour, a Houston stop is included almost every time.

We have major league sports teams and gleaming stadiums and arenas. We’ve hosted Super Bowls, Final Fours, NBA All-Star Games, the Tennis Masters Finals, World Series, College Playoff Championships, WrestleManias, and heavyweight title fights. The Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo is the biggest cowboy vs. steer ‘rasslin’ event in the world.

There’s nothing to do in Houston this weekend, said nobody ever.

At least we’re being noticed. But if your poll ranks Pittsburgh as a more relaxed, preferable place to live than Houston, well, you’re plain nuts.

Houston’s best defender

Actually all those polls and criticisms of Houston created a job niche for me. Whenever a poll came out mocking Houston, I would write a column defending our hometown.

After the Super Bowl was played at NRG Stadium in 2004, visiting sports writers wrote bitchy stories about Houston. Sorry, fellas, it rained and temperatures were stuck in the 50s that week. That’s cold for us. But what’s the sports writer from Buffalo complaining about? Up in Buffalo, residents call rainy and 50 degrees … summer.

The stories were so negative that I figured the NFL’s free buffet for media ran out of fried chicken. ABC News read the stories complaining about Houston. They called me and asked if I’d go on ABC World News Tonight and defend Houston. Forrest Sawyer was the anchor that night.

I said sure. They asked where I’d like to do the interview. I said the southeast corner of Sage and Richmond. That way, the Men’s Club adult entertainment center would be in the background. No city in America does strip clubs like Houston. Just sayin’.

The camera crew set up their equipment. Just as Sawyer was ready to start, a Men’s Club bouncer came running across the street. What are you doing? Turn that camera off! We didn’t give you permission to put us in your shot!

Since the bouncer could beat us up, and we’re no First Amendment auditors screaming that we were on the public sidewalk conducting a constitutionally protected activity (I love those videos on youtube), we moved down the block. I did the interview in front of Pete’s Fine Meats.

Every time there was a poll saying Houston was the worst at whatever, I would write a column for the defense. I wrote about our golf courses, our comparatively low cost of living, restaurants and bars, our weather (that’s my favorite thing about Houston – no real winter). I may have mentioned our strip clubs.

I got so good at selling Houston that when Katie Couric did a one-hour special about America’s cities with the brightest future, I was picked to represent Houston’s media. I’m hardly an expert on Houston, though. Mostly, I just like living here.

We did the interview on a bench in front of City Hall — their idea. One of Couric’s producers did the interview. Before we started, I told the producer, if I don’t know the answer or you’re veering toward a topic I know nothing about, I’ll step on your foot and you can ask another question.

I’m guessing the producer limped back to his hotel that day.