Name: Snow, as in Jack, Phoebe and Ms. White.
Ethnicity: Whatever. I’m open to suggestions.
Birthdate: August 15, 2016. Just a li’l guy, 12 pounds of roarin’ good times. I’m housebroken and good with children and other animals. I’m available for adoption, starting 11 am Saturday, at Citizens for Animal Protection, 17555 Interstate 10 W. For more information, click on cap4pets.org or call 281-497-0591. Like the game show, I can be all yours – if the price is right. And the price is right at $99, which includes vaccinations, spay-neutering, medical checks for heartworms, microchipping and more – a $400 value!
But as Ron Popeil says … wait, there’s more. Saturday is the kickoff party for Citizens for Animal Protection’s “Summer Adoption Event” in the shelter’s parking lot from 11 am to 6 pm. Cue the hats and horns! There will be food trucks and fun activities. Best of all, CAP is cutting the price of big dogs and adult cats by 50 percent. For details, click on cap4pets.org.
Did you catch the Scripps National Spelling Bee on ESPN? Man, they really dumbed it down this year. They had the kids spell simple, common words like “schitosomiasis,” “oxytylote,” “skeuomorph” and “fougere.” I use those words practically every day, and I’m a dog, and a mutt even. The funniest part of the contest? Watching local anchors try to pronounce those words on the 10 pm news.
So much for the Sports Illustrated curse. Let’s jump in Mr. Peabody’s Wayback Machine to June 25, 2014. The cover story was “Your 2017 World Series Champs” — the Houston Astros. The cover boy was a clean-shaven George Springer. The Astros currently have a 38-16 record and a double-digit lead in the American League West. I’m not lighting up a victory cigar just yet, but we’re well on our way. Historical note: the Astros were in last place the week the S.I. issue came out in 2014.
More random thoughts
How is this possible? Aliexpress.com and DHgate.com, — China’s answers to amazon.com — sell products at ridiculously low prices. For example, rock ‘n’ roll phone cases for 99 cents – with no tax and free shipping to the U.S. Just the postage should be a few dollars, no?
So frustrating about Houston – intersections without complete street signs. No wonder people are wandering aimlessly downtown like the “Children of the Damned.”
The Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion just released a bunch of primo reserved seats for Jimmy Buffett’s concert June 8, available at the usual Ticketmaster locations. The pavilion also announced Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band, coming Oct. 19. Tickets go on sale 10 a.m. June 16.
Did you see the video of Mr. Met, the New York Mets’ mascot, flipping off fans? Orbit, the Astros mascot, would never do anything so heinous, right? Wrong, he did something much worse. I have it on reliable source that during spring training in Kissimmee, Florida one year, Orbit (a different Orbit, not the current mascot) drove a few hardworking reporters to Disney World – and promised to pick them up at midnight. Well, midnight came, no Orbit. The hardworking reporters had to call a cab to get back to Kissimmee. The next day, one of those hardworking reporters spotted Orbit sitting at a table, signing autographs for kids … with a tip jar next to him. Naturally, the hardworking reporter had to rat out Orbit, who got a stern lecture from Astros executives. Goes to show, never trust a mascot.
Next week: I spill the beans on Clutch the Bear.
Clean up hitter
One of my favorite things to do is rent a carpet shampoo'er from the supermarket and do the rugs in my house. I love when I pour the water into the toilet – and the water is jet black from all the dirt and filth in my rugs. It’s disgusting. I can’t believe what a pig I am, I actually live this this? I’ve found something that’s even more fun. I got one of those Shark Duo Clean 2-in-1 vacuum cleaners that you see in the TV infomercial starring that guy who looks like SportsTalk 790 talk host Matt Thomas. Anyway, this vacuum is amazing. I did my carpets and had to empty the dirt collection basket five times. I repulsed myself even more than when I empty the rug shampoo’er. The Shark Duo Clean gets an A-plus. It works just like it does on TV, and sucks even more than the Texas Rangers.
It’s another Friday and we continue to be the biggest double-threat since Deion Sanders. Here we are in CultureMap, while the Houston Chronicle continues to run our dusty old columns from yesteryear. Don’t think that’s ever been done before. Flattered. Not happy that the Chronicle has shoved us back to Page 2 of the features section, though.
Ken Hoffman's adoptable Pethouse Pet of the Week runs every Friday on CultureMap. Ken can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter: @KenCultureMap. To have all CultureMap stories, including Ken's columns, delivered to your inbox in one Daily Digest every morning, sign up here.