I have a serious question: How do I get Maribel’s life?

For real, though. This week’s episode of Married to Medicine Houston opens with Rachel and James stumbling across what looks to be the remnants of a wild party in their backyard. Cigarettes are strewn across the ground near the pool, and several crushed Miller High Life tallboys litter the table. If you’re thinking, “Damn, them Suliburks party hard,” you are mistaken, my friend, because this is all the work of one person: Maribel.

Apparently while trying to figure out which Tinder hottie to swipe right on next, she’s been chain smoking in the backyard and nursing can after can of the champagne of beers. She doesn’t pay rent, she doesn’t cook, and, clearly, she doesn’t clean up after herself. I repeat: How do I get Maribel’s life?

Of course, I wouldn’t be upset with Dr. Ashandra’s life either. She finishes up with a patient at her dental practice, then walks into her office only to find her hubby, Ricky, lounging seductively in her chair and holding a bottle of wine. He says he’s here to play “sexcretary,” and the vino he’s brought pairs well with “black men, 34, named Ricky.” I’ll take some!

Over glasses of vino, Ashandra breaks down the current feuds among the girls for Ricky. Rachel was offended that Erika didn’t seem to be into the crawfish boil, and Erika had every right to be annoyed with Rachel’s behavior. Monica has claimed that Elly isn’t a real doctor, and Elly feels that undermines her hard work and career. Dr. A, meanwhile, is the only one above the fray, so, naturally, it’s her duty to host a get-together to air grievances and move on.

Next, we catch up with Erika and Derek (can I just call them Derika from now on?) who are meeting with the fertility specialist once again to talk about their options for parenthood. The tests show that 29-year-old Derek is perfectly healthy, while 37-year-old Erika’s test results are more troubling, leading her to feel guilty that she may not be able to give her younger husband a child. She also didn’t expect the process of having a baby to be so difficult. She tells Derek later, “I’m not sure I’m in this anymore.” If they really want a child, they could just ask one of their mothers to move in with them. That seems to be working for Rachel and James.

Speaking of adults who behave like children, Imad is back! He apparently retreated to San Antonio immediately after the Roses’ party last week, and he has just returned to Houston to discuss his future with Monica.

To Monica’s credit, she finally gives Imanchild an ultimatum. If he isn’t ready to commit to marriage and children with her, the relationship is over. Imad says she’s springing this on him, but, um, did he forget he’s been filmed for the past few months? I’ve seen the show, and Monica has brought this up in nearly every episode. If you’re going to make shit up, Imad, make sure cameras haven’t been following you around recording your every move.

Back at the party house, Rachel and James decide that they need to have another talk with Maribel, because apparently their first attempt at discussing the mess she left in the backyard ended with her storming out and staying with Rachel’s sister for a few days.

Have I mentioned yet that James is a saint? The dude’s level of tolerance for his mother-in-law is truly admirable. He reminds Maribel that it isn’t hard to pick up after oneself, but Maribel blames the mess on the wind. Oh, honey. James is a doctor. Give him a little more credit. They all decide to come up with a goal date for Maribel’s “emancipation,” at which time I’ll be moving in. Surprise!

Later, Derika chat about their fertility issues. Erika thinks the whole baby thing might be more stress and trouble (and money) than it’s worth, and Derek actually seems on board with that assessment. I want to take a break from being snarky here to note that I think showing these fertility struggles on TV is very brave and also very meaningful to others who are experiencing the same thing. Man, if any reality TV couples should procreate, it’s these two genuine and levelheaded individuals.

Awesome parents

Next, we get to know Elly’s sister, Pegah, a little more. She’s been living with Elly and Elly’s husband while her own husband is finishing his residency in Cleveland. Hell yeah, girl, stay in Houston over Cleveland. I did some research, and a list of “75+ Fun Things to Do in Cleveland” includes dining off a “create-your-own-taco menu” and visiting an old jail cell.

Anyway, Elly and Pegah’s parents have come over for dinner and brought an entire home-cooked Persian meal with them. Everyone on this show has awesome parents. Also, where can I score some of that food?

The most awesome of the parents, Mama Maribel, has agreed that she needs to move out of Rachel and James’s house eventually, but Rachel’s efforts to get her to think about her finances aren’t going well. Maribel is a little preoccupied by her underwear with butt padding, and she’s prancing around shaking dat ass while poor Rachel tries to draw pie charts. “I’m so tired of talking about finances,” Maribel says exasperated. “Let’s talk about fine asses!” Then the conversation was over, and she lived with the Suliburks forever.

Lest all this booty dancing and Persian food has you settled into a pleasant reverie where everyone gets along and all the rear ends are twerk-worthy, let me remind you that there is a catfight a-brewing, and in true Bravo fashion, it will take place among the crisp white tablecloths and homemade biscuits of Ouisie’s Table. Enter: Ashandra.

Dr. A has brought place cards to the restaurants to strategically manage the she-said-she-said on the horizon. This is a solid move, but she really should have put herself in the middle of the table, rather than at one end, so she could just slap some sense into anyone who got out of line.

As the ladies (minus Monica, who is always late) take their seats, Erika notes she does not have blood on her clothes this time (gee, thanks), to which Rachel replies, “This is a real doctor over here!” And then she immediately puts her foot in her mouth. Remember #doctorgate, the reason we’re all gathered at this ill-fated brunch?

It’s cool, though, cause Elly knows Rachel was joking, and Rachel turns the same color as her red romper, which is punishment enough for that slip of the tongue. On that note, though, Rachel wants to apologize to Erika for being bitchy at the crawfish boil, and Erika apologizes for…leaving, I guess?

More shots, please

Finally, Monica arrives, trailed by a bartender carrying a tray of shots, because nothing goes better with an angry confrontation than liquor!

As the shots go down, so does the mood. Rachel compliments Monica on her bling, and the ladies comment on how large her diamond rings are. Monica shrugs and says, “Some people just move in different circles.” Was this a dig at Elly, who maybe can’t afford such things because she maybe isn’t a real doctor? Maybe. Elly sure took it that way. She claims to have a jeweler who lets her borrow flashy things, too, but Monica notes she can “actually afford it.”

When Elly looks flabbergasted by that dig, Monica pulls a line out of Cindi’s playbook, accusing her and Pegah of having “negative energies.” Well, that sets Elly right off, and we begin the rehashing of #doctorgate, in which Monica may or may not have said “they’re just handing out doctor degrees.” Monica claims she merely stated that if there were an emergency, Elly couldn’t help because she isn’t a medical doctor.

At this point, Elly’s eyes have turned into two red lasers, and, much like Cyclops, the hot X-Men character with the optic beam that can destroy buildings, she uses her powers to take down the entirety of Ouisie’s Table, leaving in its place a smoking pile of ash and bling.

Well, sort of. She starts yelling, then Monica starts yelling, then Dr. A starts yelling at them to stop yelling, and I think Pegah joins in, but the true star of this bitchfest is Erika, who gets up and goes to another table, where she calls Derek and tries to put her embarrassment into words. I appreciate that Erika is mature and removed enough to keep out of these petty arguments, but also…her parents were wrestlers. Slam down, Erika! Give these ladies some hook kicks and show them how to fight like a pro!

Long story short, Elly calls Monica a bitch, Monica calls Elly (and Pegah for some reason) trashy and low class, Rachel misquotes Monica (again), Ashandra gives up and Monica storms out. Erika and Ashandra follow her into the women’s restroom, which seems to be filled with the production crew, so where do the patrons of the restaurant pee? I’m very concerned about this.

Eventually, Monica agrees to return to the table, where Elly is shooting her the most intense bitch face I have ever seen. If looks could kill, everyone in River Oaks would fall down dead.

Monica says, “I apologize if I hurt your feelings.” That’s great that’s she’s apologizing, but couching it with an “if” is soooooo uncool. “If I hurt your feelings, which maybe I didn’t, I don’t know, I can’t tell by the look on your face.”

Erika breaks it down well, noting that Monica basically told Elly she isn’t an MD and she’s trash five minutes before returning to the table trying to make amends and pop champagne. It’s no wonder Elly isn’t having it.

Elly’s only response to what seems like a sincere apology is, “I really just want some food.” Ashandra wisely notes, “Carbs heal everything.” If only it were mimosas and unnaturally colored shots that healed everything. Then — and only then — might these ladies be able to dine in peace.

Next week, there are a ton of obnoxiously large hats as the ladies celebrate the Kentucky Derby, and Cindi Rose returns to throw shade at Rachel within a prayer for love. Amen!

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Previous recaps:

Here's everything that happened on the first episode of Married to Medicine Houston

Married to Medicine Houston Recap Episode 2: Holi Moley, pole dancing, and a visit to the dog wash

Married to Medicine Houston Recap Episode 3: Crawfish drama and other cheesy moments

Married to Medicine Houston Recap Episode 4: Cindi Rose returns, praise Monica!

Married to Medicine Houston Recap Episode 5: Shabbat ShalOMG!, iPhone love and shots for everyone

Rachel and James have a frank discussion with Rachel's free-spirited mother, Maribel.

  

Photo courtesy of Bravo

Rachel and James have a frank discussion with Rachel's free-spirited mother, Maribel.