Alohaha
Swiss excess: Last season's sensation Corpse Flower Lois details her summer fun
Perhaps you took a break from reading CultureMap to tune in to the BBC on the days leading up to the royal wedding. If so, then you learned about the corpse flower appearance in Basel, Switzerland. What the BBC report accidentally omitted is that the Swiss flower fête is celebrating none other than yours truly.
Is it such a surprise that I would choose to summer in the refined Alpine burg? Just think of the perks: fondue, chocolate, clandestinely stored Nazi gold. And you know I simply love the word "chalet."
Best of all, June brings the Art Basel show, where I'll catch up with the (ahem) cognoscenti hailing from everywhere from Dubai to Malibu. You know — PLU (people like us). Not to mention it's nice to be watered with hot springs bubbly.
You can also find me hopping around Switzerland's Lucerne Festival, Montreux Jazz Festival and the 64th Locarno Film Festival. Do I enjoy a little late night yodeling? I'll get back to you on that one.
Considering my sultry summering agenda, it is with a pitied scoff that I responded to news of a fellow corpse flower flailing around Hawaii this week. According to an article in the Honolulu Star Advertiser, a bloom there packed Hilo's Panaèwa Rainforest Zoo & Gardens. Apparently the botanists realized the flower was blooming when guests saw "flies buzzing around it."
Way to keep it classy, Hawaii. It saddens me to see a sister trapped in the realm of missing birth certificates and middle aged accountants making "getting lei-ed" jokes amid their swarms of ADHD children. If I wanted to hang out on an island, I'd obviously take the G6 back home to Sumatra (and maybe say "Hi" to my ex, Michael). Strictly speaking, Hawaii is a bit NQOK (not quite our kind).
Meanwhile, another corpse flower bloomed recently at Ohio State University in Columbus. According to greenhouse coordinator Joan Lenoard, a whopping 500 people showed up on Monday morning to visit, effectively missing a.m. reruns of Roseanne. It's a welcome moment of glory since Columbus' slow downturn since the Wright brothers took flight in 1903. Sorry, Ohio — swing states have never been my scene.
I invite all of my fans to meet me at my Alpine chateau. See that glimmer on the slopes? That's my Rolex.