place your bets

Hot Heights-area patio bar rolls out cool casino nights with Bellagio-caliber tables and Vegas vibes

Quick: name the most authentic, Vegas-worthy casino setup in Houston. Is it an ultra-private room at Tilman Fertitta's Post Oak palace? Maybe a new speakeasy from red-hot restaurateur Ben Berg?

Actually, arguably Houston's most authentic, Vegas-styled casino action (public, anyway) is at popular patio bar Patterson Park. This Heights-area hot spot with White Oak Bayou views isn't known for being posh or for a James Bond vibe. No, this new high-end casino floor is nestled in a party spot favorited by a young, bike-friendly, dog-friendly crowd who dig cornhole and other bar games and catching sports on the big screen.

Huh?

“Well, we had to come up with something new, something to set us apart,” Lonnie Schiller, a partner in Patterson Park, tells CultureMap as we check out casino night there. “You know there are a lot of patio bars in Houston.”

A realtor friend linked up Schiller — who founded CultureMap in 2009 and is behind Cafe Express, Cafe Annie, and The Grove — with Daniel Kebort, a businessman with a big-time, global casino background. Kebort founded Ridotto, a firm that sets up casino floors that rivals anything in Vegas all around Texas.

A Wynn-worthy casino floor

Faster than a roulette spin, Patterson Park was home to an expertly designed craps table and two blackjack tables worthy of The Wynn or anything on the Vegas Strip. (These tables are made by the same manufacturer that services big casinos all over the globe.)

Patterson Park casino Blowing on dice for good luck: highly recommended.Photo by Marco Torres/ @marcofromhouston

Patterson Park casino blackjack table The high-energy crowd keeps the games fun. Photo by Marco Torres/ @marcofromhouston

On our trip, crowds packed the long craps table and rocked their best casino moves, even blowing on dice for good luck. The blackjack tables are also a blast, with players dropping bets and dealers working the table and building the hype with fist-pumping cheers on big wins.

Wheel cool gaming

Patterson Park casino roulette wheel Watching the wheel spin and ball bounce as the exquisite roulette table hand-made in England. Photo by Marco Torres/ @marcofromhouston

The real kicker — as we discovered — is Kebort's roulette wheel, crafted by the iconic Cammegh company. Hand-made in England and considered the finest custom wheels in the world, the Cammegh outfit in Patterson Park comes complete with a laser eye and digital display board.

Ridotto's Cammegh roulette wheel in Patterson Park is so authentic and legit, it's required to be registered with the Department of Justice. “This is most likely the only DOJ-registered wheel in the state of Texas, Kebort tells CultureMap. “You won't find equipment of this quality in Louisiana or Oklahoma, nor will you find it in most Las Vegas resorts.”

We packed the table and held our breath as the roulette ball to bounced on the wheel. The chic cocktails, dramatic bets and spins, and high-end table made the room feel totally Bellagio.

How is this even legal?

Okay, so: Patterson Park may have the best high-end public casino experience in Houston — and potentially, Texas. But last we checked, gambling is illegal here. Right?

“Yes, gambling for money is illegal,” Kebort acknowledges. “Playing games for pure entertainment and fun is different. Our games will have no cash anywhere. Customers do use a credit card to buy 500 chips for $20 for their time at the tables. If they win, there are small inexpensive prizes. But mostly it’s for the fun and bragging rights. Plus, the tables are Las Vegas quality and the dealers are very friendly — even happy to teach the intricacies of each game.” (Anyone who's been to Vegas recently knows that's not always the case there.)

Even then, Schiller — who has made a living giving people what they want — wasn't sure about setting up a grand, expensive casino floor with no big cash payouts. Would anyone actually come?

“I was skeptical,” recalls Schiller. “I had just gotten ChatGPT, and so I asked i if people would play blackjack, roulette, dice, and games like that for only very small inexpensive prizes. To my surprise it said 'yes' — for many reasons: the thrill and excitement, competition, novelty, trying to beat the odds irrespective of the monetary rewards.

Patterson Park casino chips woman's hand Ridotto's table are world-class and even the chips are patented. Photo by Marco Torres/ @marcofromhouston

For authenticity, Kebort uses casino chips that are actually patented. His patent, he says, protects the idea of using a casino style chip to represent the tickets in a traditional arcade like Dave and Busters. These tickets also function as the chips on the tables to mimic a true casino experience.

Each ticket value matches traditional dollar values in a casino (red chips are 5 tickets instead of $5, green chips are 25 tickets, black chips 100 tickets, and purple chips 500 tickets instead of $500.) “This gives the players an authentic experience and thrill of winning without the inherent risk found when gambling in a traditional casino environment,” says Kebort.

Schiller says the crowds showed up just one week after Kebort and Ridotto set up shop. “People come to play and get quite animated, even yelling and celebrating when they win.” Prizes also include one-of-a-kind fashion and travel books from Schiller and his wife's collection.

A cool spin on Vegas vibes

Patterson Park casino sign You'll swear you're on the Strip. Photo by Marco Torres/ @marcofromhouston

The big Strip-styled sign, patented casino chips, and top-quality tables make for such a Vegas vibe that Schiller and his team are already shaking up their cocktail menu with drinks like the 007 Martini — shaken, not stirred, natch — and more to come. Patterson Park is a casual scene, but Schiller may throw a dressy, Casino Royale-themed party where players can show up in their best James Bond and Vesper Lynd fits. Whatever it takes to keep partiers spinning the roulette wheel and rolling the dice.

“Of course we just want them to buy drinks,” Schiller says. “But so far it’s working!”

Patterson Park casino

Fans have been packing the Patterson Park casino floor since it opened.

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Casino nights at Patterson Park are expected to run through July 31. Get more information at Patterson Park online.

Movie Review

Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

Photo by Matt Grace

Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

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Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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