Desperate for a date? Squabbling with your spouse? On the verge of getting dumped for some hot young thing? The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills can relate.

This week’s episode was full of object lessons in bad romance. Learn from their mistakes, dear readers, or risk lives full of dull antagonism and clueless courting.

Don’t buy your wife a companion animal if she’ll prefer it to you. It can’t be a good sign when the most passionate thing you say to your spouse on your anniversary is “just don’t knock me into a door or something.” That was the story tonight as Paul “Shrek” Maloof tried to wow wife Adrienne.

Adrienne admits that Shrek’s usually pretty thoughtless. This year it’s as if he was schooled on VH1’s Tool Academy. He studied hard during the week on “romance” and hires a hot young harpist clad in black and grinning like a ghoul.

As Adrienne recalls the awful gifts he’s bought her, including a purse in the shape of a champagne bottle, Paul readies for his big surprise. It’s a live German Shepherd — from Germany! Apparently all the animal shelters in Los Angeles ran out of dogs. Still, it’s nice to see Adrienne happy.

Of course, we couldn’t help thinking this might be the only time Paul ever makes his wife squeal with pleasure.

If your wife asks you not to buy a dog for your 4-year-old daughter, however, don’t ignore her wishes. Weeks ago we laughed as Taylor tried to seize all the attention at little Kennedy’s birthday party while Russell stole the show with his surprise gift, fluffy dog Snowball. Taylor glared at her humdrum hubby as the puppy wandered out of the gift box.

We thought she was just a control freak, but this week she took Kennedy to the allergist to be treated for puffy eyes and a nasty rash. “The best solution would be to find another home for Snowball,” says Dr. Jay.

What mother wants to take a puppy away from a 4-year-old? As the parents sit on their expensive new “outdoor couch” and enjoy a glass of wine, the conversation gets ugly.

“I just can’t believe he’s done this,” the sunken-cheeked Taylor admits in her video diary. But the arguments over the dog are just a way of deflecting a bigger problem: These two can’t stand each other. Russell, with his one-liners and permanent frown, looks to us like he’s lousy in bed.

It’s as if Taylor is fading into middle-age right before our eyes. She tells Kyle at lunch that she and her husband are “great business partners.” Which is another way of saying there’s no chemistry between them. And meanwhile, little Snowball has to serve as the vehicle for their resentments. Here’s the best lesson from this one, readers. Find out if you can’t stand someone before you marry them.

Case in point: if you’re shopping alone in Beverly Hills and your husband’s playing gay on Broadway, your marriage just might be in trouble. It’s true that the relationship between Camille and Kelsey Grammer has been downright arctic. But we’re trying not to get ahead of ourselves, in spite of recent revelations about Frasier’s bid to join the mile high club.

Like a botoxed forehead, the patina of marital bliss still holds on the show.

In fact, Camille’s got plenty to celebrate now that Kelsey’s nominated for a Tony. Thank goodness straight actors can keep getting acting nods for playing gay in a profession that persecutes out, gay actors. Why not celebrate with a little shopping?

Camille heads to Chic Little Devil to meet Marissa Borsetto — the stylist from Frasier — to pick out something tasty for the ceremony. We can say one thing for Camille: She looks great in a gown. After swirling around in a gorgeous blue Romona Keveza, she sweeps about in a red Clara Kasavina. Camille, red doesn’t play on a red carpet. Besides, we think you’ll have plenty to feel blue about soon. We also think it would look better on your buddy Nick’s floor.

If you’re going on a blind date, don’t do it where all your friends can see. Emotionally-needy Kim was tired of the other housewives criticizing her men, so when the group went to New York, she challenged them to find her a new one. Classy Lisa steps up to the plate, and sets Kim up with British friend Martin.

The problem is that the pair are scheduled to meet at a lavish Beverly Hills dinner party, and everyone expects them to “do something” right away. What do they want? For Kim and Martin to suck face in the pool before cocktails? The friends take pictures on their cell phones before the new couple even has a brief moment to smell each other. They don’t even know if the pheromones are right.

Lisa doesn’t like the crappy leopard-print dress Kim has chosen to attract a mate. Martin, however, doesn’t seem to mind at all.

When Kim disappeared for far too long, we wondered if she was doing blow in one of her host’s 17 bathrooms. So far none of the Beverly Hills housewives has a drug problem, which makes us suspicious. No matter, Kim was just side-tracked by a drunken Frenchman who also likes her leopard dress. Next time, Kim, meet your blind date at the Denny’s off the freeway for 24-hour breakfast and tell no one.

Finally, if you have a gay husband, treat him with the same respect as your “real” husband. Lisa gets so bored with ancient Ken that she can’t seem to ever leave her live-in-gay-boy-toy Cedric at home. We’re beginning to think that he never gets the night off, and we’re hardly amused by Lisa’s practical jokes, many of which center on the handsome Cedric.

We admit Cedric shouldn’t wear a tie around his bare over-tanned neck and then tuck it into an unbuttoned button-down shirt, especially if he wants to find a sugar daddy and finally move out.

But that’s no excuse. After encouraging him to take a dip in the Turkish bath at Mohammed’s mansion, Lisa and the other women decide to surprise him. “Under all that dynamite, there’s like a two-inch fuse,” Lisa says with disappointment after seeing him in his soaked underwear. “You need to put some socks down there,” she advises.

Really, Lisa? Maybe you should get a dog instead.