Welcome to the first edition of “Ask the CM Three,” a new advice column from CultureMap city editor Eric Sandler, home and design contributor Emily Cotton, and me, Brianna McClane. The three of us gathered for happy hour at Anvil to discuss questions submitted by readers, choosing three to tackle in our first column.
The questions and answers have been shortened for readability (and because no one needs to read 3,000 words of us debating the use of nicknames when dating). Want to submit your own question for consideration? You can do so via this Google form. See if your question sparks a heated debate among the CM Three.
WHAT'S REAL ESTATE AMONGST FRIENDS ASKS:
I’m about to sell my house and I have three very close friends who are all realtors. I love them all dearly, but I’m dreading having to pick one to represent me in the sale of my home and help me find a new one. How do I pick one and explain to the others? And why are there SO many real estate agents?!
Eric Sandler: I think the thing to do is not worry about the fact that they're your friends and treat them like people who are going to help you sell your house. I would ask each of them to pitch you like they would any other potential client and explain their plan for selling your house. Then make an objective decision about who has the best plan.
Emily Cotton: Shift the burden and make them figure it out. People always want to absorb burdens that just really shouldn’t exist. The friends know what's going on. Let them fight it out or let them draw straws.
If they're my friends, I feel like they're probably good at their jobs in the first place. Aside from some outliers, I don't have any friends who are idiots. So I would just say, ‘Y'all figure it out. You know what I'm trying to do. You know what my goals are.’ She may decide not to use any of them, and that's okay, too. As someone who has been in a similar position as a designer, half the time I don't even want to work for my friends.
Brianna McClane: If they're all good friends, sit down together and talk about how to approach it. Maybe two of them want to split the listing, or perhaps one has more experience and connections in the neighborhood where you're house hunting. Whenever a friend approaches me for marketing help, I try to respond professionally: ‘Here's what I can do for you, here's how much it will cost, and here's what that includes.’ I’m also honest if I can’t provide what they need and try to find someone who can help.
LOOKING FOR LONGEVITY IN LOVE ASKS:
I need advice because I genuinely don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I'm a 26-year-old woman living in Houston. I'd like to think I'm attractive — I get approached by men at bars, restaurants, and even while running errands. I have a career I love, an amazing group of friends, and I'm well connected in the city. On paper, I feel like I have a lot going for me.
The problem is that no one seems to take me seriously.
The men I meet are happy to flirt, ask for my number, or pursue something casual, but when it comes to actually dating with intention, they disappear. It's starting to make me question whether I'm giving off the wrong impression. Am I coming across as someone who's only looking for a good time? Is it just the dating culture in Houston? Or am I somehow choosing the same type of emotionally unavailable guy over and over again?
I'm not looking to get married tomorrow, but I am looking for someone who wants to genuinely get to know me — not just have a fun night out. I know dating is hard everywhere, but it feels especially discouraging when you're constantly told you're "such a catch" while simultaneously being treated like you're not someone worth committing to.
So my question is: How do you find men who are actually looking for something real? And how do you stop taking it personally when it feels like everyone is interested — just not interested enough?
BM: I was in a very similar position when I was dating after my divorce, and unfortunately, I found that a lot of people aren't looking for a relationship. I think it's about being clear about your expectations. Say, ‘Hey, I'm looking for a relationship, and I'm not settling for anything else.’ And if they say, ‘Oh yeah, me too, but let's take it slow,’ you can say no and move on. You cannot make any concessions. When you find a man who's really intentional and knows he wants to date you, the difference is like night and day. There’s never a question of how he feels about you or if he’s trying to chat up different girls.
EC: Here's advice my dad gave me a million years ago that I still think is true: Stop letting people get away with a casual hang. If you don't want to be in a casual relationship, don't set yourself up for one. It's like my dad used to always say, “If a man takes you seriously, he’s going to take his wallet out.” It doesn't mean that they have to be rich. But he's not going to be like, “Let's go for a walk in the park” or “Why don't you just come to my house?” We're not doing any of that. You want to take me to dinner? Cool.
I'm not doing anything casual with you because I'm not a casual person. It's either for you or it's not. And if it's not, sayonara. A guy who is interested wants to spend real time with you. He wants to show you off and share his interests with you. He's going to want to try to teach you something, which is always annoying but cute. There's a lot of effort there.
ES: Okay, but let me just ask you about one thing. I've tried that in the past and been told that I was coming on too strong or that I was too interested and that freaks people out, too.
EC: Then that person is not for you. It's like that old joke: ‘It's only stalking if you're not into it.’ Something as innocent as being surprised with flowers at the office may illicit very different reactions to the same exact action, depending on whether or not the feelings are mutual. If you’re into the person, then it’s ’sweet and thoughtful.’ If not, then all of the sudden security is walking you to your car — the point is, always be clear with your intentions.
ELECT THE END OF FRIENDSHIP? ASKS:
I am grappling with how to remain friends with people whose political views are polar opposite to mine.
BM: Sometimes you have to sit down and say, ‘Okay, what do you believe and why do you believe it?’ I think people can be misinformed, especially with AI and algorithms, so it can be an opportunity to discuss where they're getting their news and whether it's accurate. Those conversations can also help you understand what's driving someone's beliefs, because sometimes fear is at the root of them. Is that something you can talk about and work through together? Or does the disagreement reveal that your underlying values aren't actually the same?
It's hard for me to dismiss it as simply voting differently when I see how a party or candidate's policies affect the lives of my friends who don't hold positions of power.
EC: Instead of having to go through a whole political conversation, I think it's worth asking what drives this friendship in the first place. At the end of the day, it just depends on what the goal is. You already know what you need to know about this person because of their affiliations. Unless there's some quality you still value in the friendship, what are you doing?
ES: But I also think sometimes it's more complicated than that. I may have voted for someone, but that doesn't mean I'm in lockstep with everything they do or believe. You may find that if you actually talk to this person, you have more in common than you realize, and one or two outlier positions.
You just have to decide what's more important: the support and respect you've had for this person, or this particular political belief. If it's at the core of your being, and they disagree with you, then it's probably adios. I have definitely had friends who went off the deep end on one side or the other. And my thought was, ‘I don't recognize you anymore. You are not the person I became friends with. I don't want to be associated with you.’
But then there are people where maybe we didn't vote the same way in a certain election, but we still have things in common and I still see value in the friendship. I'm not going to walk away just because we didn't vote the same way.
EC: The real issue is what to do when your values — not just your political values — aren't aligned with someone you want to be close to or have been close to. I think you can still be the one putting in the effort, but in ways that force them to make a decision and explain why they aren't hanging out. When they're like, ‘Oh, that's not for me.’ Oh, why? ‘I'm not really into that.’ Oh, really? Why? They probably know what you think, which is why they don't want to say it out loud. It becomes very clear, very quickly, that y'all just aren't going to be friends, and it puts the burden on them to walk away.
