Last week, Connecticut governor Ned Lamont attended the Final Four at NRG Stadium, which his hometown team, the UConn Huskies ultimately won, and still felt it necessary to crack: “you walk downtown Houston , which is butt ugly, not much there.”
Houston mayor Sylvester Turner took offense at the insult, called Governor Lamont on it, and the two talked it out. Lamont said he was only joking but apologized. Turner accepted it. And the two left all buddy-buddy.
No! That’s not how you handle an outsider mocking our city, Mayor Turner.
You should have lowered the hammer. Send a message. Squish the Connecticut governor like a bug! Here’s how you do it:
“You think downtown Houston is butt ugly? Uh, does Connecticut even have a downtown? Your whole state is a bedroom community. You’re small-town news. Just commuter train stops outside of New York City and Boston.”
Houston tops Connecticut: by the numbers
Let’s Cap’n Crunch some numbers.
Connecticut population: 3.6 million – the whole state.
Harris County population: 4.9 million – we’re the third biggest county in the country, with a larger population than more than half the states in the U.S., including Connecticut.
You know how many people moved to Harris County last year? More than 45,000. How many people moved to all of Connecticut? A little more than 2,850. There’s more than 2,850 people waiting in line at the Chick-fil-A on Kirby.
The Connecticut governor didn’t see the beauty of downtown Houston? To be honest, sometimes you can’t see the forest for the hundreds of thousands of Houstonians crowding downtown for World Series parades. Two of ‘em. How’s your Connecticut big league team doing?
Oh, forgot, sorry.
Welcome to Houston, where we have just a tad going on downtown
Our downtown parades — like the Houston Astros World Series celebrations — boast more people than many Connecticut ciites.
Jacob Power Photography
The Connecticut governor thinks “not much there?” Houston has hosted baseball World Series, NFL Super Bowls, NBA Finals, MLB and NBA All-Star Games, Final Fours, national political conventions, world economic summits, WrestleManias, the biggest rodeo and other world class events. When the World Cup comes to North America in 2026, they’ll play some games in Houston.
Not in Connecticut.
Houston is an international city. Connecticut is a suburb. (Editor's note: Ken, new shirt idea. Text me.)
I suppose it’s easy to plant pretty flowers in downtown Wherever, Connecticut when there’s nothing going on there.
On April 3, the day UConn won the Final Four in Houston, the temp in Hartford, the capital of Connecticut, hovered around freezing. That’s some spring weather you got.
You gonna argue with Bob Hope?
Bob Hope once told Phil Donahue that his favorite view in the world (the world!) was looking north on Main Street in Houston. “The view from the old Warwick Hotel is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. It’s just like Paris,” the beloved comedian said. (Editor's note 2: That hotel is now known as The Zaza.)
Okay, that’s an insane comment. Maybe one of Hope’s comedy writers was pranking him, let’s see if he’ll really say that on TV. But Houston is like any major city in America, there are parts that are strikingly lovely and, of course, some that are horrible.
Houston has plenty of both, but to call downtown “butt ugly” is just dumb.
A little love for New Haven
Now, after all this revenge on Connecticut, let me say that New Haven is one of my favorite cities in the world. I’m a pizza guy, and while pizza was invented in Naples, Italy and its American birthplace is New York City … the undisputed pizza champion of the world is New Haven.
That’s where Sally’s Apizza and Frank Pepe Pizzeria Napoletana are practically next-door neighbors on Wooster Street. Trust me and Barstool’s Dave Portnoy (“one bite everybody knows the rules”), New Haven has the best, most incredible, blow-you-away pizza anywhere. First time I ate at Sally’s, I wondered if the New Haven Register had any openings. Yeah, that amazing.
By the way, New Haven also is home to the first burger joint in America, Louis’ Lunch. I ate there once. They cook their burgers on a vertical gas toaster thing and serve them on white bread. Pretty bland stuff. Louis’ Lunch is more photo op and gift shop than lunch.
