Every Woman or Every Man?
Several years ago, when menopause pounced, my gynecologist recommended I take this multi-vitamin called Every Woman. “Natural hormone support,” said she. “Great,” I thought, “natural’s my thing.” So I go to Whole Foods, purchase a bottle and start taking as directed, two tablets per day.
A year later, after a bone density test result came back, my doctor recommended a stronger dose called Every Woman II. “OK, fine,” I thought. So back to Whole Foods I go. Purchase made.
Fast-forward another year. I’m trucking along with EWII, only with THIS vitamin, there’s one hassle: You gotta take SIX tablets a day (two with each meal). “No biggy,” I thought, “I’ll organize.” I even went to Walgreens and purchased a quarter-sized pill box. Something I swore I’d never buy, much less carry in my purse.
One important detail: Whenever I run out of these vitamins, I always, ALWAYS carry the empty bottle to Whole Foods with me. I hold it right up next to the one on the shelf, just so I’m sure the new label reads eggs-zactly the same.
So a few days ago, I run out of these vitamins. I’m back at Whole Foods, got my glasses on, empty bottle in hand, reading each label when sure enough, there she was. A brand new, purple-and-white box of EVERY WOMAN II-180 tablets. I took it off the shelf and turned to toss the old one away when just out of the corner of my eye, I caught something that put a knot in my stomach.
In bold, black letters on the bottle about to be tossed, read, EVERY MAN II. All 180 tablets.
At this moment, I must have looked nauseated because an attentive employee suddenly appeared in front of me, asking kindly, “May I help you?"
I came out of a stupor long enough to talk to this stranger as if he were a close friend.
“You’re not gonna believe what I did!" After explaining to him that I’d consumed six tablets, EVERY DAY of EVERY MAN II, he became even kinder.
“Well, you know all this means is that you’ve had a lot of prostate support,” he said. “That’s all. You’re probably just a little hormone deficient.”
I’m thinking, “Hormone deficient? Who the hell cares about that!?”
I’m not feeling the knot in my stomach anymore. I’m terrified wondering whether I’ll wake up some morning having grown one in my pants!
“Well, just tell me this,” I interrupted him, “How many tablets of EVERY MAN is a GUY suppose to take!?" He hesitated for a second, smiling as best he could and said, “Six.”
Now I’m mumbling to myself like I’m in a trance. How could this happen? I’m always so careful! Could it be that somehow, an EVERY MAN bottle was put in an EVERY WOMAN box and I just never really looked at it when I took it out and OPENED every day for the last 30!?
I was feeling so stupid. But the nice young man, still standing by my side, had words of encouragement to offer.
“I wouldn’t worry,” he said. “I’m sure you’re not the FIRST person this has happened to."
I wanted to say, “Oh, if you only knew."
Instead I just thanked him and told him I’d wondered why my mustache had grown faster than usual.