Hoffman's Houston
double-0 nuthin'

Ken Hoffman's theatrical James Bond story of the spy who hated him

Ken Hoffman's theatrical James Bond story of the spy who hated him

Daniel Craig No Time to Die promo shot MGM
The James Bond movie delay is brutal on columnists, too.  Photo by Nicola Dove/MGM
Pet of the week - Bandit Catahoula Leopard mix
Handsome Bandit is our pet of the week.  Photo courtesy of Citizens for Animal Protection
Daniel Craig No Time to Die promo shot MGM
Pet of the week - Bandit Catahoula Leopard mix

I know exactly how Regal movie theaters feel. Cineworld, the parent company of Regal Theatres, the second-largest theater chain in America, announced that it is closing all 536 of its movie house, including five multiplexes in the Houston area. Cineworld also said it was closing its 127 theaters in the United Kingdom. Some 40,000 people would lose their jobs.

The headline: “Regal Cinemas Closing All U.S. Theaters After No Time To Die Delay.”

This makes No Time To Die one of the most influential movies of all time — and it hasn’t even been released to the public. Apparently James Bond has a license to kill a theater chain, too.

The new, delayed, and delayed James Bond movie wrecked my plans, too.

Last March, I visited England on a press tour to promote No Time To Die, the upcoming James Bond film, the last time that Daniel Craig would play Agent 007. The movie was supposed to open in April, which would give me time to write stories about the movie and sights we visited, like movie sets, a museum with all the James Bond cars, and a golf club where Oddjob threw his hat and decapitated a statue.

One night, in the club where James Bond often dined, I was given a lesson in how to make the perfect, “shaken, not stirred” martini.

Seven actors have portrayed James Bond in a total of 27 movies: Sean Connery, David Niven, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig. But which one played Bond in the most movies?

Answer: Roger Moore with seven films – Live and Let Die (1973), The Man With The Golden Gun (1974), The Spy Who Loved Me (1977), Moonraker (1979), For Your Eyes Only (1981), Octopussy (1983), and A View To A Kill (1985).

If it helps, I guessed Sean Connery, too. Connery was Bond in six films. A seventh, Never Say Never Again, is not included in the purist’s list of Bond films because it was an adaptation of Thunderball.

Back to London, I took a spin on the London Eye, visited the Aston Martin factory, and Windsor Castle. For one week, I lived like Ian Fleming’s fictional Secret Service agent. Except the night I snuck away for fish ‘n’ chips at the Windmill Pub.

Near the end of my Bond week, the producers of No Time To Die announced that the movie would not be opening in April, but would be postponed until November. Totally understandable, the coronavirus crisis was beginning to take a grip on life as we once knew it. All in a week.

When I left for England, my plane was full. When I returned seven days later, there were maybe 12 people in the economy section. I stretched out on four seats in the middle.

I put my James Bond material in the hold file.

Prince’s is shaking it up again!
If you’re like me, and experiencing detox shakes since 2017 when the last Prince’s Hamburgers closed in Houston … good news.
Speaking of shakes, the chocolate kind, Prince’s is back at the Sharpstown Park Golf Course. (Note to self: find out where this place is.) Prince's burgers are fine, but the real draw here is onion rings, the best in town. How critical are onion rings to Prince’s success? They have a person on staff who does nothing but hand-cut and hand-bread those o-rings. Talk about the age of specialization. 

Pet of the Week
Bandit, as in Smokey and the Bandit, the Pink Lady Bandit, and the Edentulism Bandit, a bank robber so-named by the FBI because he was missing a whole bunch of teeth.  That’s your vocabulary word of the day – edentulism, the condition of having no teeth.

Birthdate: January 26, 2019. I’m just starting the prime of my life, frisky, full grown but still cute like a puppy.

Ethnicity: I’m a Catahoula leopard and retriever mix. I’m not familiar with Catahoula leopards, either, but they’re very popular with dog-loving people. Am I good-looking or what? I’m like that Mac Davis (who just passed away) song, “Oh Lord it's hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way. I can't wait to look in the mirror, cause I get better looking each day.”

I’m a big’un, 69 pounds, but a gentle giants. It’s hard to pull off cute when you’re plus-sized. I’ll do best as the only dog in the house, and with children 10 years and older. I love to go on walks and hang out with the family, watching TV, and sleeping. In other words, I’m a real family pet.

Come and get me: If you’re thinking of linking with me, drop an email to adoptions@cap4pets.org. Like all pets up for adoption at CAP, I will checked out by a vet, spayed or neutered, and glammed up like it’s awards season in Hollywood.

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