about as houston as...

Ken Hoffman on why the new Houston Gamblers USFL team has zero to do with Houston

Clayton Thorson will lead the Houston Gamblers...in Alabama.

Spring has sprung in Houston, birds are chirping, we’re praying our lawnmowers start, guys are back on their bikes wearing ridiculous Spandex shorts, our cars are covered with whatever that disgusting yellow stuff is, the Houston Astros are back and the NBA playoffs are tipping off.

Are you ready for some football? In Houston? But actually and specifically: Birmingham, Alabama?

Against all odds, the resurrected United States Football League returns Saturday April 16, live in prime time on both NBC and Fox, with the Birmingham Stallions hosting the New Jersey Generals. It’ll be just like old times, as the Stallions and Generals were teams in the original USFL that started in 1983 and died three years later.

Watch ESPN’s 30 for 30 called Small Potatoes: Who Killed the USFL? for the sad and frankly dumb saga.

The all-new USFL has eight teams and two conferences. The South Conference has our Houston Gamblers, New Orleans Breakers, Tampa Bay Bandits and Birmingham Stallions. The North Conference has the New Jersey Generals, Philadelphia Stars, Michigan Panthers, and Pittsburgh Maulers.

“Our” Houston Gamblers? The USFL isn’t hiding it, but TV commercials promoting Saturday night’s league opener don’t mention that every team, regardless of what the front of their uniforms say, will play every game in Birmingham, Alabama — at either Protective Stadium or Legion Field.

The league and all eight teams are owned by something called the National Spring Football League Enterprises Company, LLC. — but really, Fox Sports.

In other words, the Houston Gamblers won’t play in Houston, won’t have local ownership, no local offices, no home stadium, no local cheerleaders, the players won’t live here and local sports anchors won’t be reporting breathlessly from the sidelines in Alabama.

The Houston Gamblers have about as much connection with Texas as, you remember that commercial, picante sauce made in New Jersey. The last line of that commercial was “get a rope.” I didn’t come out of my house for three weeks.

As I mentioned, Saturday night’s league opener will be broadcast by both NBC and Fox, the first time two networks aired the same pro football game at the same time since the 1967 Super Bowl was on CBS and NBC. All 40 USFL regular season games will air on either NBC, Fox, USA Network, FS1, or Peacock. Check your local listings each week to find the Gamblers’ game.

The Houston Gamblers head coach and general manager is Kevin Sumlin, former University of Houston and Texas A&M coach. The starting quarterback is Clayton Thorson, whose name sounds like the alter ego of a Marvel superhero. The team colors are black, red, gray, white and yellow-gold. (I’m not sure if crayons have that many colors.)

The Holy Bible notes, “To everything there is a season” (Ecclesiastes 3.1). Is spring a season for football? So far, no.

There have been several attempts by pro leagues to play a football season after the NFL’s Super Bowl – the original USFL, another USFL attempt that never got off the ground in 2010, the Alliance of American Football and two cracks by the XFL. They all flopped.

The odds are against the USFL 3.0. But as Justin Bieber and most recently The Undertaker said, never say never.

Speaking of odds, Vegas has posted lines on this weekend’s USFL games. Houston is a 3-point underdog against Michigan. The game will air at 11 am Sunday on NBC.

Houston also has the longest odds to win the championship, plus-700. Since there were no pre-season games and nobody really knows anything about any of the teams, I’m putting $10 on the Gamblers this week and another $10 on them to win the title.

Reason: why not? Don’t forget, the Houston Roughnecks were 5-0 in the 2020 XFL season until COVID shut down the league. What does that have to do with the Gamblers' chances of winning this year? Absolutely nothing.

The USFL will have some gimmick rules: a team can go for a 3-point conversion after a touchdown, and the team scoring a touchdown can retain possession by making a first down on 4th and 12 from its own 33 yard line.

If they fail to make a first down, the other team takes possession. If the other team sacks the quarterback on that do-or-die play, it gets the ball on the opponent’s 10 yard line – in the red area. I call it the “red zone,” too, but I’ve heard several NFL coaches call it the “red area.”

Active roster players will make about $45,000 for the 10-game season. Practice players will earn about $15,000. No middling quarterbacks will get $40 million a year like in the NFL. (Seriously, Derek Carr, $121.5 million for three years?)

The USFL won’t be a tough ticket. Adult tickets will be $10 and will come with three free tickets for kids under 15. I still don’t expect to see sold-out stadiums for the USFL.

In fact, the only similarity between Houston’s team in the USFL and Houston’s team in the NFL will be half-empty stadiums.

ken-hoffman sports

in this corner

Premier Japanese women's wrestling league performs in Houston this weekend

Two Japanese women wrestlers compete in a ring. One is stomping in the other with both feet.

Photo courtesy of Tokyo Joshi

Hard-hitting women's wrestling for two nights in Houston

For the first time ever, one of Japan's premier women's wrestling promotions, Tokyo Joshi Pro Wrestling, will be touring Texas, with a two-night stay in Houston this week.

"Bringing TJPW to Texas reflects Tokyo Story’s broader strategy," a Tokyo Story representative writes in an email. "As a Japan-inspired toy and event company, we see major Southwest cities — especially in Texas — as prime for the growth of Asian pop culture. Houston, Dallas, and others are becoming more diverse, culturally curious, and open to new entertainment formats. This isn’t a one-off stop — it’s part of a long-term push to bring Japan’s creativity to cities with eager audiences. And we are making TJPW Live an annual event!"

The events happen on Thursday, July 10 and Friday, July 11 at POST Houston (401 Franklin). Tickets are available at TokyoStoryUSA.com.

TJPW split off from DDT Wrestling in 2012 as a sister promotion (or "league") that ran alongside its male counterpart before becoming its own entity in 2015. In that time, they've launched the career of international superstars like Yuka Sakazaki and Mina Shirakawa (both currently signed to All Elite Wrestling in America), as well as hosting non-Japanese guest grapplers like Thunder Rosa.

The fighting is excellent and often brutal, but TJPW is also known for its playfulness. Matches embrace anime-like absurdity, such as having a wrestler work in a giant panda mascot costume. The promoters are hoping to one day partner with Texas truck stop icon Buc-ee's for a more mascot shenanigans. Many of the women also perform in J-pop girl groups on of their wrestling duties.

On Night 1, strike specialist Miyu Yamashita will take on Maki Itoh, known for her flamboyant style and high risk maneuvers. Night 2 will feature much of the local guest talent, such as Houston's own Kaylia Capri (Reality of Wrestling) vs Yuki Arai in a singles bout, and Austin's Vert Vixen teaming with reigning TJPW tag champ Hyper Misao. Other Texans slated to appear ar Maya World, Alejandra Quintanilla, and Billie Starkz.

The last decade has seen a marked rise in the quality and prestige of women's wrestling in America, with WWE hosting all-women Royal Rumbles and stars like Rhea Ripley and "Timeless" Toni Storm becoming household names. Most major promotions now feature robust line-ups of Japanese women wrestlers, with some like Asuka and Iyo Sky becoming world champions.

For Japan, women's wrestling has a more consistent history of legitimacy going back decades, and the talent pool there is vast. TJPW branching out into Texas tours gives them a chance to showcase their wrestlers in the land that spawned legends like The Undertaker, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, and the Von Erich Family.

"The response has been overwhelmingly positive," said the TJPW spokesperson. "Many who had never experienced joshi (women’s) wrestling before are discovering how entertaining, emotional, and uniquely captivating it is. Since announcing the Texas shows, we’ve received a flood of enthusiastic messages — not just from wrestling fans, but from people drawn to the theatricality, comedy, and creativity of TJPW. We've also heard from fans in other states asking us to bring the tour to their cities."