We’ve all been there — some of us more recently than others. You step into a dimly lit bar, scanning the room for a somewhat familiar face, holding onto a glimmer of hope that this first date could be the start of something real… something that ends with “for as long as we both shall live.”
While those on the date are navigating nerves, the cocktail menu, and small talk, one person sees it all unfold: the bartender. As first-hand observers of countless romantic encounters, successful or not, local bartenders have picked up more than a few insights along the way. Before scheduling that next night out at a favorite watering hole, hear what wisdom these neighborhood mixologists have to share.
Take a Seat, Please
First things first, should you grab a seat at the bar, booth, or table?
For Chad Matson, bar manager for Local Food Groups’ Lee’s and Milton’s, he notices that a table is often selected for privacy, but he personally chooses the bar.
“It’s always nice to have the bartender there to keep it fun and keep the conversation flowing,” he says. “I would be willing to bet that, because of that, it’s more comfortable for those on a date to sit at the bar.”
Plus, bartenders often end up playing wingman (or wingwoman).
Jesse Cardoso, a mixologist at newly opened fine dining Mexican restaurant Mayahuel, considers it a “cool little power” to trade banter with potential couples and reduce the stress of first dates.
“I’m notorious for being a wingman for any person who comes to my bar,” he says. “It’s part of the experience as a bartender, to be honest.”
Proximity promises good vibes, but also safety.
With online dating, first dates can often feel uneasy. Anvil’s Liz Becerra has noticed an uptick in patrons arriving early to let the staff know that they’re meeting someone for the first time.
“I try extremely hard to pay attention to those guests that let us know they are on a first date to make sure they feel safe," she says. "As a staff we will willingly provide an escape route for anyone who is feeling overwhelmed on a first date.”
Never Underestimate the Power of Body Language
Even without the heads up, bartenders can usually spot a first date.
Bandista, the speakeasy tucked into the Four Seasons Houston, is a hot date night spot, and bartender Josh Alden is quite the expert on the awkward hellos.
Photograph by Carla Gomez
Chad Matson says sitting at the bar is best for first dates, rather than a table or a booth.
“First date greetings are almost always a mild-but-enthusiastic wave followed by a hug,” he says. “Front-facing hugs are usually a strong indicator for a better end result than side hugs.
From there, the conversation usually starts with catching up on the day or continuing the messaging thread that got them there in the first place.
Becerra offers an easy test to know if your date went well: Do they know how many siblings you have, and do you know theirs?
“People get really nervous and blabber on about themselves and forget to ask their date the same questions,” she says. “When the self-absorbed person goes to the restroom, I always like to check in and make sure the other person is doing okay. If they need an escape route, I’m your girl.”
Alden echoes the necessity of back-and-forth.
“If a dude is whiffing because he’s nervous, maybe I’ll step in and ask a question about his date to try and open up the conversation back up,” he says. “On the whole, I find a lot of men aren’t as inquisitive as women tend to be, so once I see a moment of disinterest, asking a question to the two of them usually picks things back up.”
When conversation fails, body language does the talking.
“When people are turned toward each other, that’s a great sign,” Matson says. “On the opposite side, when you see crossed arms and like someone has closed themselves off, that’s not a great sign. Tears are never a good sign either.”
The biggest red flag is the phone.
“If [the phone] comes out and stays out, this first date probably isn’t going to go any further,” Alden says. “Showing photos or videos is one thing, but if they pull it out and start scrolling while the other person is talking, you might as well close your tab and get some extra sleep.”
Don’t think that the bartender doesn’t see you swiping on Bumble while your date is in the bathroom, either.
“That’s a pretty big sign that this will probably fizzle out before the Topo Chico in your ranchwater does,” Alden says.
Somebody Pour Me a Drink
Bartenders also notice when you’re trying too hard with your drink order.
“Old Fashioneds with expensive liquor, espresso martinis, shots of liquor that they don’t need — people love flexing when they get nervous,” Cardoso says. “It isn’t working.”
Cardoso adds that if your bartender isn’t judging you for what you order, and if your date is judging you, well then it’s probably not a great date anyway.
So, what should you sip on while chatting with your potential soul mate?
“The perfect date night drink is one you can enjoy slowly without worrying about flavor degradation,” Alden recommends. “Stirred, more spirit-forward drinks do a lot of that lifting, but you can also enjoy shaken drinks that are usually served up, without any ice. Old Fashioneds, Manhattans, French 75s, a 50/50 martini — if you freaky.”
Two Orders of Love, Straight Up
Yes, love and libations can be found on the same menu.
“We have a lot of people that come in to celebrate their 10-plus year wedding anniversary, and let me know they came here on their first date in 2009, when the bar first opened,” Becerra says. “They have kids now and don’t get to go out as often, but still make sure to come back to visit because their first date led to creating life together!”
And all that behind-the-bar wingmanship really does pay off.
“One time at Tiny Champions, there was a couple on their first date that was seated at the bar. It felt like the date was stalling out, so I did my best to help the conversation along,” Matson recalls from his previous stint at the pizza joint. “The date continued, and about a year later, the couple came in and told me they were getting married.”
