Zagat, the increasingly irrelevant guide to local dining, released its 2010 Fast Food Survey earlier this week.

I'll save you the click-through and summarize the results for you: Complete garbage.

Fine. Perhaps that's a mite reactionary, but I can't help but fling a dismissive wank in Zagat's direction. Because there's no imaginable way that Five Guys legitimately ousted defending champion (and eternal heavyweight) In-N-Out for Best Fast Food Burger in the national survey. No. Way.

I extend my deepest apologies to Five Guys, because they're probably really nice. All five of them. But any roost comprised of beef on a bun isn't ruled by amateurs like Five Guys. In fact, it's so not possible, it's unpossible.

In-N-Out is, and always will be, the reigning Burger King.

Maybe a disclosure or two is in order here. Ahem.

First of all, no, I've never actually eaten at Five Guys, even though there are several locations in the Houston area. I'm a proud pescetarian and have been for the last four years. However, the last burger that I consumed? In-N-Out, of course. 'Cause if there's any ounce of grilled flesh I'd want to remember on my tongue for all time, it's the heavenly succulence of an In-N-Out double-double masterpiece.

But that's irrelevant. Because as a good journalist, I do my research. From my highly scientific survey, 100 percent of those polled said they preferred In-N-Out to Five Guys 100 percent of the time. And you must admit, those stats are pretty hard to deny.

And while we're on the topic of disclosures, I think Zagat has a little 'splainin' to do. Five Guys didn't even make the list last year. A virtual nobody, sneaking away with the top honors? I'm not sinking my teeth into that one. And neither should you.

It's hard to disagree that In-N-Out is fast food fabulosity incarnate. I'd travel far and wide to stuff those animal-style fries in my mouth. If I must.

But if In-N-Out simply must be dethroned, at least make it a worthy competitor, Zagat.