UGG-ly trends to avoid
Why I hate fall in Houston: Do you see what everyone's wearing?
Today marks the first day of fall. It’s the Autumnal Equinox. The sun is directly over the Earth's equator, resulting in equal hours of day and night. Since the Summer Solstice the days have grown shorter, and from now until the Vernal (yes, that’s a word— I googled it) Equinox, the days will remain shorter than nights, which is a little depressing but also a justification for drinking earlier.
Although the beginning of fall means that (literally) darker days are to come, I welcome the season change. Fall serves as a perfect excuse to purchase a new wardrobe, redecorate, breakup with your boyfriend (“It was a summer romance, gahhhd!”), attribute your violent mood swings to Seasonal Affective Disorder, etc.
However, I have a few complaints. First and foremost, just because autumn has arrived doesn’t mean you can wear winter boots. I call this phenomenon "premature booting." Houston ladies, it’s 84 degrees today with 70 percent humidity. Tomorrow it will be 90. I don’t care if they camouflage your shapeless legs or SCRAM anklet — put away the boots! (However, cowboy boots defy seasonal limitations. This is Texas, after all.)
The worst offenders are fur-lined UGGs. The name itself invites ridicule: fug those UGG-ly boots! UGGs were cool 10 years ago. Maybe. If you want to wear a mini skirt, fine, wear one. But don’t pair it with something decidedly winter. There are rules, after all.
- Anything you had on at Free Press Summer Fest is strictly off-limits. The pastel flowered frames you pretend are Ray-Bans, but are actually from Target are a no-go.
- Hats must be worn jauntily. I predict the ironic hat of the season will be the hand-knitted double pom-pom snow hat. Or at least that is exactly what I will sport when the temperature plummets, which leads to the next rule…
- If you could wear it skiing (down jackets, wool scarves, pom-pom hats) save it for weather below 50 degrees. I know frequent wear helps you validate purchasing all that expensive North Face gear for last year’s snowboarding vacay, but I beg you to restrain yourself. Besides, the down ski vest makes you look fat.
- Tiny tank-tops or, god forbid, bra tops are out. Just because it’s still hot enough for swimming doesn’t mean you can wear half a tankini in public. And I don’t care how drunk or skinny you are — that bra top makes you look like a slut (i.e., you’re no Lady Gaga).
- No fur, unless it's gathered from the shedding of a hipster's alternative pet (preferably raccoon or squirrel) and knitted into a romper paired with a pom-pom hat.
I'd be negligent in my list of fall fashion atrocities if I did not criticize lingerie-inspired Halloween costumes. But Halloween attire is another story entirely, one far too complex to tackle in one take.