bey there, do that

Countdown to Beyoncé: Party, dance, shine – and stretch — at these Houston events honoring Queen Bey

See Bey star in Carmen: A Hip Hopera at Rooftop Cinema Club.

Courtesy of New Line Television/Warner Bros.

Houston is just days away from Beyoncé’s big Renaissance tour homecoming this weekend. The lights don’t go down at NRG Stadium until Saturday, September 23, but as Bey’s song says, we like to party. That means plenty of events and food and drink specials to toast the Queen.

Locals in the Beyhive who are still searching for those perfect Bey-inspired looks can show them off at these fun happenings, which include silent disco jams, a huge downtown party, Bey-themed yoga, and a special exhibit of Beyoncé’s most legendary photo.

Break out those flawless silver threads and get ready to slay at these Beyoncé events in Houston.

Thursday, September 21

Color Factory will immerse fans with a Beyoncé playlist running inside its silent disco all weekend long. The immersive art experience has teamed up with Houston legend DJ Rob G to elevate the fan-favorite disco to a party fit for the Queen and her BeyHive. 10 am.

Post Oak Hotel is “Calling All the Single Ladies” to exclusive helipad yoga classes. Attendees are encouraged to come dressed slaying in silver. Tickets are $200 per person and includes access to the pool after class. 5 and 6:45 pm.

02 Lounge will host a video and live music tribute to Beyoncé, presented by The Vibe Curator Keto Gentry The Consultant. It’s also known as a Touch of Silver Ladies Freakum Dress Theme Party. 8 pm.

Friday, September 22

The Warwick serves up two exclusive, Beyoncé-themed cocktails. Sip on a blackberry tequila lemondrop known as Alien Superstar. Later, order up a smooth sidecar riff they call the Pure/Honey Lemonade. 11 am.

Blossom Hotel raises a glass to Beyoncé's H-Town stop with a specially crafted, themed cocktail menu, including the Crazy in Love and the Break My Soul. Bonus points: The Blossom Hotel is less than 10 minutes away from where Blue Ivy’s mom will take center stage. 4 pm.

Nosie Yogi is making a strong pull by bringing back Bey-Asana, the original Beyoncé inspired yoga class. For one night only, participants can stretch in an all-level, non-heated flow session set to Queen Bey’s music. Registration is $20. 6:30 pm.

Saturday, September 23

Tootsies and Nicole Longnecker Gallery will celebrate both Beyoncé and celebrity photographer Markus Klinko. The artist will be in attendance, along with many of his larger-than-life photographs of A-list celebs like David Bowie, Lady GaGa, and Beyoncé, including the iconic cover photo of her debut album Dangerously in Love. Fans can also look forward to a close-up view of Klinko’s Diamond Dust images of Queen Bey in her unforgettable, diamond-studded spiderweb top and jeans — which she says are her favorite. 1 pm.

Radio Milano at The Moran CITYCENTRE presents a Queen Bey Kick Off, offering specialty cocktails inspired by Beyoncé’s greatest hits. Dance and sing along while sipping on such Beyoncé-inspired libations as the Cuff It and the Heated. 4 pm.

The Plaza at Avenida Houston invites the city to Hou Run the World: Beyoncé’s Homecoming Party on the Plaza. This welcome-home bash will feature live music, fireworks, and outdoor fun. Be sure to stick around for the special drone show: More than 400 drones will light up the evening sky, creating Beyoncé-related themes to dazzle viewers. Event runs at The Plaza at Avenida Houston (between the George R. Brown Convention Center and Discovery Green Park). 6:30 pm-8:45 pm

Sunday, September 24

Bar Boheme treats Bey-loving — and brunch-loving — fans to a special, Renaissance-edition drag brunch. Enjoy delicious brunch fare, live music from DJ Athenz, and a Beyoncé-themed drag show where performers pull out all the stops to Beyoncé hits. Registration is required. 11 am.

Da Hookah Plug Lounge makes a splash with a Beyoncé & Brunch Paint & Sip Special. They’ve got the music to karaoke to, food, hookahs, and more. Guests who wish to paint must RSVP under one of the painting tickets. 12:30 pm.

Bar Louie shakes things up with a perfectly pink diva martini for Beyoncé weekend. Enjoy an array of happy hour specials, including $6 premium liquors, $7 signature martinis, $7 select house cocktails, $6 wine by the glass, 50 percent off select bar bites and more. 4 pm.

Next week: Thursday, September 28

Rooftop Cinema Club goes open air with A Queen Bey Rooftop Party. The night starts at 7 pm, where a DJ will spin tunes as tunes during a pre-game cocktail hour. Then comes a special screening of the 2001 cult classic Carmen: A Hip Hopera — starring a young Beyoncé, natch — and directed by Robert Townsend.

After the film, head to the lounge area for a silent disco/dueling DJ battle featuring electrifying Beyoncé-inspired sets. Choose the channel through the wireless headphones and move to the left, to the left all night. Live DJ set and games run 7 pm-8 pm; movie runs 8 pm-9:30 pm; dueling DJ sets and silent disco run 9:30 pm-11:30 pm.

Movie Review

Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

Photo by Matt Grace

Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

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Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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