Royal Conspiracy Theories
Prince Harry's ties to Harry Potter's Half-Blood Prince and Rasputin
Is it a mere coincidence that a Harry Potter book and film were titled Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince? I think not!
With the rush of news surrounding Prince William’s engagement and now the buzz over the possible royal wedding date, some have begun re-circulating the rumor of Prince Harry’s illegitimacy.
Yes, rumors have circulated for more than 20 years that the redheaded prince (younger brother to Prince William and third in line to the throne) might not herald from royal blood. Suspicious historians peg the redhead heir as the offspring of Princess Diana and another man.
Defenders cite blood and DNA tests that are said to prove his royal blood.
However, we cannot trust these medical records.
First, they couldn’t release their actual results to the public even if they wanted to. When you’re royalty your DNA sequence is private, as it is roughly 72 percent reptilian. Thus we will never see Harry's actual genetic make up.
Falsifying DNA results is low on the list of royal privileges, which include such luxuries as viewing aliens preserved in formaldehyde aquariums in Area 51, knowing who really killed Kennedy and discounted membership to the Illuminati.
CultureMap has contacted esteemed sociological historians to bring you another controversial facet to this royalty true-mor: Rasputin is alive and aims to bring down Prince Harry.
Of course you’ve heard the romantic tale of Anastasia surviving the fall of Romanov dynasty. Sadly, this is false, as her remains have been identified. You may have also heard that Rasputin helped discredit the tsarist government or partook in self-flagellating and "rejoicing" (радение), a ritual involving group sex. True, true, and true, but irrelevant.
Not only is Rasputin alive, he also ghostwrites the Twilight series, according to the dog-walker of alleged author Stephenie Meyer.
Why Twilight? The simplest explanation is usually the correct one: Rasputin seeks to glorify dark monsters and remove Harry (the “Half-Blood Prince”) further out of the limelight. If you haven’t connected the dots already: Voldemort is the literary incarnation of Rasputin’s modern-day revolt against Prince Harry. (Note that when rearranged “Voldemort” spells “mod revolt.”)
Both began their careers with the best of intentions but gave in to power-hungry desires. Much like the unicorn blood-drinking villain of the Potter books, Rasputin has conned his way out of death and is most likely hiding among us.
Rasputin’s whereabouts have been narrowed down to the following:
- He actually is Marilyn Manson. (No elaboration needed as evidence is overwhelming.)
- He has crazy-glued his falling-apart body to Patti Stanger, host of reality show Millionaire Matchmaker. (First, what — or who — is under all that makeup? Second, consider that Rasputin was all about controlling people with lots of money.)
- His undead head is stuffed snugly in Snooki’s poof, much like Voldemort’s hairy hideout in the second Potter book. (Note: I am not villainizing Snooki. The reality star likely has no knowledge of Rasputin’s presence.)
CultureMap asks readers to notify us with further knowledge regarding Rasputin's location and future plans.