Draft day etiquette for the clueless guy
Last minute fantasy football tips: Don't make a Michael Vick or Dan Marino-sizedblunder
There are two types of fantasy football leagues. First, there are friendly leagues, the kind where friends or family members get together more so as an excuse to party than to be truly competitive. In leagues such as this, there is usually little at stake, and the league is conducted in as friendly a fashion as possible.
In drafts such as this, feel free to act however you want; just make sure to have fun.
Then there are competitive fantasy leagues. In leagues such as this, there is usually an opening stake of around $100, maybe much more depending on the deep pockets involved, and the winning pot at the end of the season can be a hefty chunk of change. The competitors are often more loosely connected, sometimes through work or as a friend of a friend. Sometimes the only time you see these people is at draft day, which is usually more than enough.
In circumstances such as this, there are certain modes of behavior which range from unfair to obnoxious, that should be looked upon with extreme hostility. Thus, allow me to be the etiquette expert here and expose the various party fouls that may be committed in drafts such as these.
- Guys who take forever to take a pick. I’m all for strict time limits to keep this from occurring. These drafters often use the fact that other league members are distracted by studying for their own picks to draw the draft to a grinding halt while looking for some benchwarmer who’s never going to play anyway.
What bothers me the most is that these are the guys who come armed with about 19 magazines, and somehow they can’t manage to cross guys off the list and say the next name. Simple solution: The time limit hits and the violator has to pick a Buffalo Bill tight end. That will teach you.
- Guys who randomly talk about guys who haven’t been chosen yet. Fantasy football is a game of luck, but guys who have no clue who to draft have a definite disadvantage. Giving these guys ideas for picks is basically leveling the playing field. The only justice would be if the name so casually dropped by the moron in question eventually runs for like 278 yards and three TDs against his team.
More likely: That same player puts those stats up against my team, as I maniacally squeeze a stress ball with a rudimentary drawing of the name-dropper’s face on it.
- Anyone who makes a Michael Vick joke. The statute of limitations on those bad boys has officially come and gone. Most were in bad taste anyway and tended more often to offend than amuse. Speaking of jokes that need to be put to rest …
- The T.J. Houshmazilli joke needs to go away. Seriously. I get that the commercial was funny. But it was, like, four drafts ago. You gonna make a Where’s The Beef comment next, Shecky? The only consolation is that, anyone who drafted Houshmandzadeh already is getting their just reward (the no-impact receiver was just cut by the Seahawks).
-The guy who drafts the first kicker. I know, somebody’s gotta do it in every draft, but it still amazes me when someone reaches.
- Last but not least, a guy who drafts a great player in a late round despite the fact that he had been drafted about a zillion rounds ago. In a league I that was in for years, this was known as a “Dan Marino”, in honor of the time somebody attempted to take the former Miami star in the seventh round when he had been taken in the first.
Full disclosure: In my last year in the league, after rolling my eyes for years at guys who committed this egregious error, I fell asleep at the switch and did a Dan Marino of my own. My excuse was that it was some fourth receiver and that I just couldn’t hear then other picks because the draft was in a bar, but I was soundly berated by the rest of the league who had been waiting years for my comeuppance.
So, I guess the final item on this list should be anyone who opens his trap to complain in a league full of long memories.
Enjoy your draft everybody, no matter how many pinheads are in it with you.