That pot ray vision

When will the Paris Hilton witch hunt stop? Las Vegas cocaine "bust" is more ofthe same

When Paris Hilton is really guilty she confesses. Read the book title.
There's nothing going else on The Strip on Friday night that demands moreattention than a mysterious "vapor trail."
On this issue, I'd listen to Snoop Dogg over ...
friend of The Man, Clifford Pugh.

All those people trying to pick apart Paris Hilton's story in the wake of her latest alleged drug trouble need to take a closer look at the tale of the Las Vegas police as well.

The Cadillac Escalade that Paris was a passenger in was pulled over after a Vegas motorcycle cop says that he followed "a vapor trail" of marijuana coming from the vehicle. OK, sure. Apparently, this cop has X-ray pot vision. And you think some of the cops on the original O.J. Simpson murder case had some credibility issues?

Please. Paris Hilton was pulled over because she's Paris Hilton. Do you think any other vehicle with a so-called mysterious "vapor trail" is getting pulled over on The Strip on a busy Friday night? You don't think the Vegas police have much more serious crimes to focus on?

Ever since that false pot arrest in South Africa at the World Cup (all the charges were quickly dropped and Paris was given an apology) — there's obviously been a near worldwide conspiracy to make Paris pay for the police embarrassment. When are the writers of Lost going to get on this?

If this very questionable stop never took place, the small packet of cocaine that allegedly tumbled out of a purse that Paris was holding when she reached in for some lip balm while in police custody never would have been discovered. And there would be no felony cocaine possession charge (one that almost everyone agrees will likely result in probation even if the charge sticks).

Yes, I'm still defending Paris Hilton. Proudly.

In the wake of this latest incident, many wondered if I was embarrassed for arguing that Paris Hilton deserved more than an apology for that erroneous World Cup pot bust. Among the curious was CultureMap editor-in-chief Clifford Pugh, who's apparently become an advocate for The Man in his old age.

Sorry, but brilliance can be checked by neither police conspiracies or sudden "liberal" fuddy duddies. My original argument is stronger than ever.

Paris — who is at least as smart as businessperson as Donald Trump — would never have smoked pot blatantly enough in public to get "caught" for it at the World Cup. And after that experience, she definitely wouldn't knowingly open up a purse with cocaine in it in police custody after a dubious-at-best traffic stop. Some argue that the repeated incidents equal guilt.

I say they drive home the reality of the Paris Hilton witch hunt. No rebel artist has been this persecuted since Salman Rushdie. I just hope that Paris stays strong.

There are already some reports that Paris has said the purse in question was not hers. (Which might explain why she'd open it in the presence of the police). In the World Cup incident, Paris also told the police that the pot was not hers. Jennifer Rovero — a former Playmate who works for Paris as a photographer — copped to the marijuana and paid a small fine.

You say this is awfully convenient and curious. I say it's damn consistent.

Paris' story — as with most people who are telling the truth — does not change. She's not the one seeing mysterious vapor in the air. There are no reports that any actual pot was even found.

Let's just hope that this morale crusade to "get" a likely innocent visionary entrepreneur does not result in Paris pulling a Johnny Depp and moving to Paris. This country needs her.

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Movie Review

Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

Photo by Matt Grace

Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

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Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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Movie Review

Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess