An Unsolicited Open Letter
Sandra Bullock, consider yourself warned: If you take Jesse James back, you'redead to me
Sandra, I know about forgiveness. I forgave you for both Speeds, Miss Congeniality 2, and All About Steve, but I don't think I can get past this.
You can't take back Jesse James. He's not a work in progress, girl, he's a Nazi.
I know it's hard. And I know he's taking some strides — moving to Austin to be closer to you, and taking the issue to court to do it — but honey, isn't that more stalkerish than gallant?
The dude cheated on you with a string of women. Trashy, tattooed women. This after you devoted yourself to working on his behalf for custody of kids you don't have an obligation to. And these rumors of reconciliation have got me in fits. I mean, I can barely enjoy my pedis anymore. Every time I flip the page of Life & Style and read this rubbish, I squirm off the tracks of my massaging chair.
So for the sake of both of us, and our continued every-other-week tabloid relationship, get a grip. Take your money and your baby and run. I promise you won't regret it — his eyes were too close together, anyway. He's un-evolved.
Honey, your only regret in this is that that crazy lady in '07 didn't make impact.
Love your sister from another mister,
C-Murder