Weekend event planner

Here are the top 10 things to do in Houston this weekend

The weekend is almost here, and we’re ready to hit the town. From a happy hour social hosted by your favorite digital lifestyle platform — CultureMap (duh) — to some amazing concerts and lively family-fun happenings, we’ve put together a list of can’t-miss events so that you won’t have a single dull moment from Thursday straight through to Sunday. Read on for the top 10 best things to do in Houston this weekend.

For more options, check out the full CultureMap Events Calendar.

Get social
Thursday, May 18
Don't miss CultureMap’s summer social for young professionals at River Oaks luxury apartment community, Marq 31. Lifestyle blogger Natalie Harms of It's Not Hou It's Me will give tips on how to host the perfect summer picnic, while several boutiques including Baanou, Kissue, and Stag Provisions will offer up summer essentials for sale. Enjoy refreshing sips by Casamigos Tequila and Saint Arnold Brewing Company, popsicles by Kicpops, and spins by DJ Bizonee. Proceeds benefit Memorial Park Conservancy. (6-8 pm; tickets: $20 per person)
3131 Timmons Ln.

Supermodel alert
Friday, May 19
Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Ashley Graham heads to Barnes and Noble in River Oaks for a signing session of her memoir, A New Model: What Confidence, Beauty and Power Really Look Like. (6 pm; tickets; free entry)
2030 W. Gray St.; 713-522-8571

Whiskey river
Friday, May 19
Sample a large roster of whiskies and fine spirits at the second annual whiskey social. Your ticket also gets you entry to master classes led by brand ambassadors and hors d’oeuvres. (6 pm; tickets: $75 per person)
2401 W. Bellfort Blvd.; 713-899-9321

Fun for kids
Saturday, May 20-Sunday, May 21
The Houston Texans, Texas Children’s Hospital, and Kids Triathlon, Inc. team up to host the 2017 Houston Texans Kids Triathlon at NRG Stadium, featuring interactive triathlon expos and racing fun (6 am; tickets: $50-$60 per person)
8400 Kirby Dr.; 904-448-2114

Discover downtown
Saturday, May 20
Learn about downtown’s public art and architecture from the experts as Architecture Center Houston and AIA Houston host a tour including stops along Market Square Park, Buffalo Bayou, and areas West of Main St. (10 am; tickets: $5 per person for AIA Houston members and $10 per person for nonmembers)
Market Square Park at Travis St. and Congress Ave.; 713-520-0155

Like a boss
Saturday, May 20
Paul Wall, Slim Thug, Z-Ro, Lil Keke, Kirko Bangz, Dice Soho, and more hit the stage at the Space City Liftoff concert at jewelry retailer Johnny Dang & Co. (1 pm; tickets: $30-$150 per person)
6224 Richmond Ave.

The right stuff
Saturday, May 20
New Kids on the Block, 90s teen sensations, bring their The Total Package tour to downtown’s Toyota Center. Paula Abdul and Boyz II Men are also on the bill. (7:30 pm; tickets: floor seats (only) are still available for $249.95 per person)
1510 Polk St.; 713-758-7200

Feast for a good cause
Sunday, May 21
Load up on delicious fare, from smoked Gouda grits (with herb butter, crawfish tails, and smoked chorizo; $8.50) to smoked bacon banana waffles ($7.50 for two), at a special fundraiser brunch at El Burro & the Bull restaurant. All proceeds go towards medical expenses for Norma Brooks, of the highly-acclaimed Brooks’ Place Barbecue in Cypress, who recently suffered a stroke and has been diagnosed with cancer. (11 am-3 pm; tickets: free entry)
1010 Prairie St.; 713- 503-2299

Kiddie art fest
Sunday, May 21
Kid-friendly fun, Texas Children’s Art Festival, held at Bayou Bend Collection and Gardens, presents art-making workshops, a collaborative group art project, interactive games, and live music on the terrace. As well, the first floor of Ima Hogg’s onsite historic house will be open for tours. (1 pm; tickets: free)
6003 Memorial Dr.; 713-800-5345

Nose-to-tail throwdown
Sunday, May 21
At pork-tacular foodie event, Cochon555, five chefs, each given one week to prepare a whole pig, go head-to-head at Hughes Manor in a competition scored by a panel of judges. Sample to eats, plus sips from a handful of winemakers (5 pm; tickets: $125-$200 per person)
2811 Washington Ave.; 201-675-9711

Paul Wall hits the stage at the Space City Liftoff concert.

Photo courtesy of Johnny Dang & Co.

Paul Wall hits the stage at the Space City Liftoff concert.

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Movie Review

Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

Photo by Matt Grace

Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

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Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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