Come Visit, Conan

Conan finds Dallas soooo boring that he trashes Houston in desperate attempt to get laughs

It's a big week for Dallas/Fort Worth, with the NCAA Final Four headed to the Metroplex and Conan O'Brien broadcasting his nightly talk show on TBS all week from the Majestic Theater in downtown Dallas. In Tuesday night's show, O'Brien proved he's no Jimmy Kimmel, who broadcast a series of delightful shows from Austin for a week during South by Southwest, with a lame effort that fell so flat that he had to take aim at Houston in a failed attempt to salvage the evening.

In one of the segments, O'Brien, wearing a garish western jacket that no self-respecting Texan would have anywhere close to his body, made up a song about Dallas using only Wikipedia, which our CultureMap Dallas colleague Alex Bentley noted "failed to get going until he pandered to the audience with some pointed jabs at Houston."

As the video above shows, the Dallas part is so boring (ninth largest city in USA, home to Dallas Zoo, subtropical climate, gets 37 inches of rain, zzzzzz), that Conan restorts to dissin' Houston. And that's where the song at least gets a little more interesting. Conan's sidekick Andy Richter incorrectly places the National Museum of Funeral History in Dallas, when O'Brien says, "No, Andy, that museum's in Houston."

He then continues,"Andy, you should have done your Wikipedia research. Here's what Wikipedia says about Houston."

Houston's total area is 650 square miles,

All of it comprised of burning garbage piles,

Houston's smog is eighth worst in the USA,

And it's home to every serial killer that's alive today,

Its industries are know for pollutin'

And it's the favorite city of Vladimir Putin,

Now, here's my last line, I don't mean to be callous,

But if you drive near Houston, just keep going 'till you hit Dallas.

Hey, Conan. Come to Houston. We promise you'll have more fun here.

Movie Review

The Apprentice uncovers the Trump card in Donald's rise to power

Jeremy Strong and Sebastian Stan in The Apprentice

Photo courtesy of Briarcliff Entertainment

Jeremy Strong and Sebastian Stan in The Apprentice.

Before he was elected president, Donald Trump was a New York businessman who transitioned into a reality TV show host that played upon his bombastic personality. His effect on American politics over the past eight years would not have been possible without his early experiences, some of which are explored in the new film whose title cheekily references that reality show, The Apprentice.

It introduces viewers who may not know the entire history of Trump (Sebastian Stan) to his relationship with lawyer Roy Cohn (Jeremy Strong), who was known for using all sorts of sleazy tactics to win cases. The film shows Trump meeting Cohn in the early 1970s, right when the Trump Corporation, then led by Donald's father Fred Trump (Martin Donovan), was being sued for violating the Fair Housing Act for not renting to Black people.

Cohn’s success at limiting the damage in that case leads Trump to fall in love with the way Cohn approaches life, and he proceeds to call upon him for advice and help in many aspects of his own life. These include trying to strong-arm New York City officials into giving Trump a big tax break on his first hotel, setting up an odious prenuptial agreement with Trump’s soon-to-be bride, Ivana (Maria Bakalova), and more.

Directed by Ali Abbasi and written by Gabriel Sherman, the film is both crystal clear in how it wants Trump to be portrayed and yet somewhat subtle in the way it goes about it. Opening with Richard Nixon’s infamous “I am not a crook” speech, the parallels between that fallen president and one who would go on to be indicted for many crimes while president aren’t at all difficult to parse. And yet, the filmmakers do a good job of methodically building their case for how Trump became the person he is today.

This includes showing the young(er) Trump as somewhat awkward and out of his depth, literally going door-to-door to collect rent at Trump Village apartments and still having family dinner with the whole Trump clan. Learning at the heels of Cohn builds his confidence, especially after Cohn reveals three rules that he lives by: 1) Attack, attack, attack, 2) Admit nothing, deny everything, and 3) Claim victory, and never admit defeat.

Because it’s a two-hour film, the truth of what it’s depicting likely falls somewhere on the spectrum of another thing Cohn tells Trump: “There is no truth.” Still, there are factual bases for much of what the film dramatizes, and even the sequences that might be made up completely fall right in line with the type of man who still refuses to admit that he lost the 2020 election. When Trump and Cohn essentially switch roles as the bully and the wimp when the film moves from the ‘70s to the ‘80s, it comes as no surprise.

Stan, in his second starring role in two weeks, does a fantastic job of evolving the character of Trump. He eases into the verbal and physical traits for which Trump is now known, and the slow build helps him tremendously. Cohn is easy to hate as a real person, but love as a movie character, and Strong bursts off the screen with his performance. He is an early favorite for Best Supporting Actor, utterly transforming into a despicable person from which you want to hear every horrible syllable.

Because of Trump’s overwhelming recent influence on American society, The Apprentice is next-to-impossible to view in an unbiased manner. And the filmmakers likely don’t want you to, as they are obviously trying to demonstrate how Trump has long been this way, and it took him becoming president for the whole world to see it.

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The Apprentice is now playing in theaters.

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