In 1776, Thomas Paine wrote, “These are the times that try men’s souls” during the American Revolutionary War. He was talking about the colonies’ struggle for freedom from an oppressive foreign power.

In 2024, I’m writing, “No, these are the times that try men’s souls – at least Houstoians.” I’m talking about a struggle against oppressive local utilities that leave us powerless.

In the past month, I’ve endured periods of no electricity, no internet, no cable TV, my property flooded, and my local gas station closed because its pumps couldn’t run. All because it rained a lot and got windy. The apocalypse!

How am I supposed to sleep at night without watching YouTube videos in bed until 3 am?

Just kill me.

I can relate to Thomas Paine, though. He didn’t have the internet or cable TV, either. I feel his 18th century pain.

Reliably unreliable

I have a guy who mows my lawn every other week. When he doesn’t show up … I don’t get charged. But thing is, he always shows up. He never misses. He’s a good worker.

Unlike our utility companies. My cable TV goes out – a lot. When it drizzles in Huntsville, there goes Family Feud for the night. [While we’re here, let’s just accept that Steve Harvey is the best host of Family Feud ever. Maybe the best game show host ever period.]

My cable goes out more than Kim Kardashian. And all I get from the cable company is a text saying “We’re aware of an outage in your area.”

Thanks, that makes two of us. What I don’t get is a discount on my bill for missing Saturday Night Live. [And while we’re here, let’s just accept that Colin Jost and Michael Che are the best Weekend Update anchors ever. Maybe the best news anchors ever, and that includes Walter Cronkite, Peter Jennings, and anybody else. Although I think Lester Holt is right up with the legends.]

Only in Texas

I don’t get why I have to live in the Dark Ages in Texas while up in Minnesota they’re running Christmas lights like the Griswolds with no problem. It’s 20 below zero in Duluth, a snow drift has turned your house into a prison, but the family is watching TV and jumping on the internet all cozy and warm.

Whoever’s in charge of the Texas power grid – fire them and take the cable company bosses with them. Then let’s hire the people who run the utility companies in Fairbanks, Alaska. That’s the coldest city in the U.S. Fairbanks’ average temperature for the year is 26 degrees. That’s outside. Inside 70 and everything’s working.

Here’s the worst part of my electricity and cable going out. I see a lightning flash, hear the thunder and – zap – my house blinks and the cable is out. Drat! The first thing I do is look at the clock. Will the cable be back before the Astros game tonight?

Although I wouldn’t mind the cable going out during an Astros game when Ryan Pressley comes in to pitch in the eighth inning of a close game. Or Jose Abreu simply being in an Astros uniform. Or … so many things lately.

Thomas Paine never had to watch Jeremy Pena lunging for strike three on a low outside slider.