If you're familiar with Isabella Rossellini's Green Porno and Seduce Me series of shorts (I bet you're smart and saw them at the Cinema Arts Festival), then you know that sex and animals are having their moment. Like the pairing trends of yesteryear, such as bacon and coffee, Tamagotchis and Prozac and babies and developing nations, sex and animals carries a cultural impact worthy of investigation.

Coincidentally, the canon of zoological dating types has expanded rapidly as of late. No longer are we limited to cougars and bears — now we have subgroups within those genera: The puma, the cheetah, the otter, the wolf. These aren't beanie babies; they're sex objects waiting to be taken out of their cages. And yet, with such a diverse dating pool, there's always room for more classifications. In case you haven't heard, here are some of the latest additions to the dating world's petting zoo:

Dolphin

The type of guy who loves gay cruises more than life itself. Hairless mammal, has sex for pleasure. (Insert "blowhole" joke here.)

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

The consummate pretty houseguest, this lapdog has an affinity for wet kisses. Since these spaniels are difficult to train, expect the occasional impromptu golden shower. High maintenance, requires a generous budget for hair products. May leave you for a more prestigious caretaker/breeder.

Nutria

Originally native to South America, the nutria was introduced to North America only recently. Essentially a Spanish-speaking otter (which is a thin hairy dude). Not to be confused with a beaver, which is an entirely different animal.

Penguin

Socialite homosexual, who shines when all dolled up in a tuxedo. There's no such thing as too dapper for this animal. Examples include Truman Capote and Milton Townsend.

Kangaroo

Child-touting lesbian. Can be found at farmer's markets price checking root vegetables to be made into small batch organic baby food. Sports earth tone-colored Baby Bjorns.

Lizard

Svelte and sneaky, this animal can charm until it reveals its achille's heal: Assaulting French kisses. When the onslaught of the penetrative tongue becomes too much to handle, downgrade the lizard to "just friends," allowing its slick form to serve as a thinspiration.

Possum

The possum lingers outside one's window in the wee hours of the night. Also known as a "creeper," the possum would eventually find a new home if you had the willpower to keep your door double bolted.

Snail

Moves so slowly in the dating game that it begins to affect a potential partner's self esteem. When the act actually comes on the horizon, the likelihood of preemptively leaving a slimy residue is high. Haunts under piles of leaves and online dating sites.

Polar Bear

An aging large hairy man. Can be found floating on broken-off chunks of icebergs, or lingering around the billiards at JR's.

Deer

Young male deer, or "velvet horns" are known for engaging in homosexual dalliances before switching over to mating season. In human terms, this can translate to a party boy who, once his 20s have passed, decides to switch teams and settle down. It's called "earning one's antlers." Or some simply call it "flaky."