This has been on my list for a while, and recent goings on have convinced me that it's no less than a public service to share this sage advice on how to carouse with purpose and poise.

Here are 10 dos, daren'ts and duhs, from me to you:

1). Do tweet for forgotten belongings. If you’ve left your favorite earrings at afterbars but you’re not sure whose place you were at or when you lost them, it’s advisable to use status updates to your advantage. Rather than wasting valuable time exercising the process of elimination, simply tweet, “Need my turquoise earrings back! You know who you are ;)” and see who responds.

2). Know how to navigate an elaborate apartment complex. When you’re without your compass and topography map, it’s important to know how to find the exit. Many high-end complexes these days require key card access to the pool, the gym, and any number of areas you’ll have to traverse on your way to freedom. When in doubt, toss a pinch of loose powder into the air. When the cleaning lady asks what you think you’re doing, ask her for the way out.

3). Do tell your arresting officer a reasonable story. If you are going to claim that your clutch isn’t yours, it’s best not to tweet photos of your purse collection in advance of your arrest. Additionally, if you are going to try to convince an officer that cocaine is anything other than cocaine, it’s best not to be high on it at the time. You’re not making sense, dear.

4). Maintain a proper level of week-night drunk. Thursday is not, in fact, the first day of the weekend. If you’re any sort of proper, you have somewhere to be on Friday, so keep the number of drinks at a respectable four. If there is live music involved, however, all bets are off. Dancing negates the effects of alcohol — it’s science.

5). Transportation is key, especially when you don’t have the luxury of flats. Driving is out of the question; you don’t want to meet Tyler Flood — I’ve heard he’s an asshole. Proper lushes have a personal cabbie who knows them both by number and by name. You know you’ve arrived when, like us with Mr. Alex, IOU’s have been swapped and repaid.

6). As important as taking a cab is knowing how to exit it. Nobody, save the paparazzi, likes a straight on shot of your skivvies. So be graceful, ladies, and go ass first.

7). Know how to properly draw attention to yourself. Think statement necklace, or if you must go bold, wink. Alternatively, you may gracefully bump into someone and grab his pectorals for support. Do not, under any circumstances, fellate a champagne flute.

8). Know when to go home. When you’re at the apex of an H-bomb high, nothing seems more exotic and exciting than the late-night carousing that is afterbars.

But an afterhours you don’t end up regretting is a rare and elusive thing — most likely people will pair off, get sloppy and take all the good sleeping spots. Bathing suits get caught in hot tub filters, belongings get lost and ruined, and so do your friends. If you’re in a relationship, you probably shouldn’t be there, and if you’re not, see number two.

9). Do not cry at the bar; that’s what bathrooms are for. If you’re unable to contain yourself, however, there are some time-tested tricks for concealing it. Have your best friend fake a falling out, and dump a drink on your face.

10). Avoid making inappropriate phone calls. When self-control falters and your friends are unable to pry your PDA from your steely grasp, you’ve got to be preemptive. Before you make it to that almost-arthritic point, re-file your contacts. It might be tempting to text “Into You,” but “Great Aunt Mable” will probably go un-harassed.

I suggest printing this out and keeping a pocket version on hand, or you can pick up a copy in powder rooms city wide.