Chances are, if you haven't heard the latest Facebook squawking on whatever social network you frequent, we're confident you're living in the Dark Ages.

But for once, those complaints aren't unfounded. Facebook's been rolling out a whole slew of questionable updates, most of which are being described anywhere from "Everything about the change is horrible! Why don't they quit screwing around with the format and just let a good thing be????" to "All these changes and still no 'Dislike' or 'That's What She Said' options."

Yes, it's a catastrophe of multiple punctuation proportions.

While there's really nothing you can do but piss and moan with the best of them on the Facebook blog, we'd like to assist with your understanding of the maturation of the world's most popular social network.

Swallow the helpful advice below, and we can guarantee that you'll be full on Facebook's features by the morning.

Facebook knows what's important to you

Duh. That's why its latest news feed algorithm tells you what the Top Stories are. It takes a mash-up of the friends you interact with most, the posts of friends that garner the most comments, maybe a dash of pixie dust, and voila! Facebook has created a highly discombobulated news cocktail just for you.

Big Brother Facebook really does know best. Don't question it.

With Facebook, you don't need Twitter

It's alive! Facebook's new ticker scrolls through everything — and we mean everything — that your friends are doing.

Did Lorenz Sanchez like Kyle Woodson's status? Good, now you know it, too — even if you couldn't tell Kyle apart from Spongebob Squarepants. Did Mason Miller share Jennifer Jordan's photo? It's breaking news to Facebook — and, by golly, you're being kept abreast.

What's Gina Simon having for lunch? Look no further than Facebook's ticker. It's everywhere you want to be.

Everyone knew Google Plus was a Facebook rip-off anyway.

Who cares if Google Plus (remember that cute little Google social experiment? Awww!) was the first to offer the opportunity to filter updates for public and private consumption? Facebook now features Subscribers (boo-yah!) to fuel your public persona.

And everyone knows Facebook does everything better.

While we're on the subject, Circles who? That silly Google Plus terminology only makes our heads spin. Facebook organizes your friends one better — by fabricating pre-populated Friend Lists for you.

You're welcome.


Facebook is going to send you email whether you like it or not

Remember those irritating notifications you finally tracked down and disabled in your Account Settings? Never fear, there are new ones you never opted out of (how could you — they didn't exist).

So guess what? You're getting a Facebook reminder email for an event when it's about to start. And you're getting a Facebook message when you upload a photo via email.

The list goes on. Isn't it glorious?

Surprise! It's Facebook, all up in your inbox. You like it that way, right?