Trendysomething in SoMo

Become a Sugardaddy or frolic at Poison Girl: 25 Things You Must Do In SoMoBefore You Die

Goblets of cash: living the sugardaddy dream
Photo by Jennifer Patterson
Before there was @corpseflowrlois, there was the Cabbage Patch girl at PoisonGirl
Photo by Haloise Redding
Take up a cause and put it in writing.
Camping, SoMo style
Photo by Salome Vanwoerden
Shacking with your couch surfer brings a whole new meaning to "bed head."

Since it's hotter than hell outside, mortality is on the mind. In the tradition of such literary classics as 1,000 Places to See Before You Die and 1,001 Paintings You Must See Before You Die, I will be presenting a list of "25 Things You Must Do in SoMo Before You Die" throughout the month of August.

This compilation of make-or-break activities in my made-up neighborhood of South Montrose is sure to lead you down an enlightened path of revelation and intoxication. This week: Numbers 15-11.

15. Become a sugardaddy.

This is one for the twilight of your life (before you die in SoMo), so you have a lot of time to prepare and save up. Perks of being a sugardaddy, whether it be to a cute waitress at Sophia, an adopted Afghani refugee infant or a twink slave you scouted outside Mo Mong include strategic tax breaks, having somebody to light your American Spirits in your old age and qualifying for family discounts at museums.

14. Get out of town.

If you kvetch long enough about the burdens of life in the big city (despite its suburban layout), sooner or later you'll begin to crave an escape from the abyss of Guantanamontrose. Going camping in one of the nearby swampy state parks makes for a quick diversion, and provides lots of photo ops so that you can recreate Anthropologie fashion shoots for Facebook albums.

13. Feed the animals in the back of Poison Girl.

There was a time in my life where it was acceptable to use one or two Lone Stars as a chaser to a colorful shot, and then find myself making the sandlot that is the patio at Poison Girl into my own playground. And why not? The backyard's larger-than-life figurines are just begging to be touched. I hear that if you can climb to the top of the Kool-Aid man, the bartenders reward you with a free Shiner and a faint smile.

12. Take up a cause.

Beyond impending lucrative inheritances and job security at Soundwaves, everyone needs something to believe in. But make sure it's both timely and trendy - Darfur is over, but Haiti was so overdone that you can now donate money ironically while still helping a great cause - kind of like wearing cargo shorts that are the product of sweatshop-free labor. Genocide and natural disasters aside, the most noble activism du jour is protesting the future closing of American Apparel.

11. Smoosh with your couch surfer.

The motives of hosting a couch surfer are about as transparent as a wet SummerFest t-shirt and a Brasil barista's charm, so cut out the social niceties and set the futon off limits. You'd regret forever letting the drummer from Toro y Moi go without a kiss goodbye, or keeping the cute backbacker from Quebec's baby for the memory box. Because these days, it's all about social networking.

Previous columns:

25 Things You Must Do In SoMo Before You Die # 25-21

25 Things You Must Do In SoMo Before You Die #20-16

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Thanks, Queen Bey

Pop icon Beyoncé donates $100,000 to University of Houston Law School

Photo by Erza Shaw Getty Images

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Pop megastar Beyoncé Knowles-Carter has donated $100,000 to the University of Houston Law Center Criminal Justice Clinic through her BeyGOOD Foundation. The gift will allow the clinic to hire fill-time faculty to head it, benefiting the students who study there.

“I am delighted that the BeyGOOD Foundation has made this very generous gift to the UH Law Center,” said Leonard Baynes, dean of the UH Law Center. “Not only will this funding help establish a full-time criminal justice clinic that provides pro bono legal services in our community, but it will also supercharge our already excellent criminal law and justice programming.”

The clinic is one of nine at UHLC. It helps students learn to navigate the criminal justice system, especially on behalf of clients that are underserved by skilled attorneys. People of color are affected disproportionately by a lack of good, ethical representation.

Beyoncé, the most decorated artist in Grammy history and easily the biggest musical star native to Houston, has a long history of advocating for criminal justice reform. She was a staunch supporter of the police reform following the deaths of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile, asking law enforcement to “stop killing us” in a web post. In 2020, she penned an open letter to the Kentucky attorney general asking for justice in the death of Breonna Taylor.

Through her BeyGOOD Foundation, established in 2013, Beyoncé has focused mostly on expanding the prospects of Black-owned business and offering education opportunities to students. Forwarding the cause of legal representation in Texas while also helping out marginalized communities compliments her other philanthropic work.

“At UH Law, we envision a legal profession where ‘everyone has the opportunity to prosper,’ as BeyGOOD envisions, and we will achieve this vision by providing access to strong and effective legal representation in criminal proceedings,” Baynes said. “And together, through this gift, the BeyGOOD Foundation and UHLC will shepherd the next generation of criminal justice attorneys in the city of Houston, the state of Texas and the nation.”