I was at a friend family’s (as opposed to family friend’s) house recently when I had the pleasure of witnessing their young daughter discover the meaning behind the euphemism “really really happy.” At 9, she seemed irked that we’d assumed she was ever in the dark, and demonstrated her understanding by asserting that she doubted the two contestants on Minute to Win It were a couple, because the man seemed awfully happy for that to be the case.

Lucky for us, our young liege has not yet uncovered what we mean by “really tired,” “really tired” meaning you really need to pass out.

Being without a regular cohort young enough to challenge my vocabulary of expressions, I found myself wishing that I had better euphemisms for the day-to-day topics I’d prefer to discuss on the down low. After devoting several workday hours to the project, I’ve come up with the following:

When suffering from a dizzying hangover, one has a mean case of the Brandy Spins. This particular expression is derived from the made-for-TV version of Cinderella, starring Brandy, Whitney Houston, Jason Alexander and Whoopi Goldberg, among others. There is one especially disorienting ballroom dance scene, which caused our sizeable Monday night audience, already buzzed in various capacities, to declare they had the first-ever documented case of the Brandy Spins.

When suffering from a particularly brutal bangover, one has got the Jane Burn, in honor of Selma Blair’s character in 2002’s The Sweetest Thing. After a long night of extra-demonstrative love-making, Jane single-handedly launched a new symptom for which Advil is the cure.

Alternatively, you can offer that you’ve just been on a long bike ride. Either will explain your awkward gait.

When suffering from bad/liquid indigestion, you’ve been doing the Pepto dance. Nobody wants to admit they have the ‘Rhea, but it’s not so bad to say you’ve been riding the bubble-gum pink wave, or are coming off of a wicked Pepto trip.

When you need a more discreet way to say to a companion, “See that guy/girl? I’ve had sex with him/her,” just say they have a piece of you that you can never get back. You’ve seen how they’re doin’. You both attended The University of Texas at Pound Town. You've hugged — violently. I'll stop.

When you’ve injured your nether regions in a pre-coital grooming incident, and you need an excuse to explain why you can’t focus or can’t cross your legs, indicate that you’ve pulled a Stevie T.