In just 10 episodes, season three of Game of Thrones accomplished much onscreen and almost as much off screen. Inside the show, thanks to what may be the worst wedding reception in television history, we lost two key Stark players and most of their winning army. This also meant stalemates were broken and we finally have some movement on the game board.
Off screen Game of Thrones reached near Sopranos level ratings, garnered the ultimate pop culture arrival notice — Red Wedding jokes on late night talk shows — and created a whole new YouTube genre: Red Wedding reactions videos.
But as I’ve argued, this years-long game is more like a tournament, so let’s check the brackets and see who’s ahead after round three.
Westeros Division
Starks vs. Lannisters
Winner: Lannisters
The Starks, who are always strongest when they are together, are now either dead or scattered to those winter-is-coming winds with even young Bran and Rickon separating this season. The only glimmer of hope is that the Lannisters despise each other, and are always their own worst enemies.
Now that they’re all stuck in the same castle listening to sadist King Joffrey’s tantrums, we wonder what could possibly go wrong.
Lannisters vs. Tyrells
Winner: Tossup
Still aligned by the engagement of King Joffrey and Margaery, the Tyrell’s are a bit like a more civilized, PR-savvy version of the Lannisters. They don’t appear to underestimate the Lannisters, but the opposite is debatable.
Lannisters vs. Stannis Baratheon
Winner: Lannisters because of forfeiture by Stannis
After his season two loss at the Battle of Blackwater, Stannis attempted an end run around conventional warfare and used magic wielded by his priestess/political consultant Melisandre to kill his enemies. In the final episode this season, word from the desperate Night Watch gave a hint the Stannis might be ready to head north with a new army. Good luck to Stannis as he switches divisions.
Essos Division
Daenerys Targaryen vs. the institution of slavery
Winner: Dany
She’s no closer to getting on a boat bound for Westeros to reclaim the throne for the Targaryen line, but her army-raising techniques put her motherland to shame.
Possible weakness? Dany’s dragons will be becoming teenagers soon, and three moody, surly dragons who just want to be left alooone, might be hard for a single mom to manage.
Northern Division
The Night Watch vs. The Wildlings vs. the White Walkers
Winner: Um, no idea . . . Samwell? Maybe that tree with a human face?
We still don’t know what the White Walkers want. Most of the Night Watch members beyond the Wall were killed by ice zombies or have mutinied. We haven’t seen the Wildlings' king Mance Rayder since episode three. The only thing we do know for certain is that dragon glass can kill a White Walker, in Westeros even trees have their own army (of ravens) and pouty Jon Snow’s sex god status didn’t prevent him from getting his ass shot by his girlfriend.
Let’s face it, this division is a mess. Still, Iceland is beautiful.
So now that we’re reviewed the winners and losers, let’s give out some awards to our MVPs and best plays.
Best God
Season three gave us a better glimpse of how the Game of Thrones faiths and religions motivate some of the characters. Some denominations demand human sacrifice; some can resurrect the dead. Some magic out there can even create a zombie army.
But Arya Stark’s proclamation that Death is her god illustrates the kid knows a winning god for this show when she see it.
Most Ironic Foreshadowing
Robb Stark lobs off Rickard Karstark’s head, as demanded by honor and the rule of law. He then loses the support of many of the Northern lords which hastens his death by episode nine. Who else lobbed off someone’s head for honor’s sake when, if not for mercy, than at least for pragmatism he might have called a decapitation waiting period to assess the situation?
Oh yeah, Rob’s father Ned who ended up dead in season one, episode nine.
Best Dame
The older, regal woman who has seen it all and is usually played by a knighted, classically trained British actress, is one of the hottest archetypes in pop culture right now. She’s quite bored with the other characters’ shit but can strategize everyone under the table.
We know this is a controversial decision, but we’re going to have to give this to Downton Abbey’s Dowager Countess of Grantham.
Yes, Dame Diana Rigg made a strong initial showing as Olenna Tyrell the Tyrell matriarch, but she did have limited screen time. We do look forward to Olenna’s future sword sharp quips.
Weirdest Theme
Dany’s ex-slave, eunuch super army, Varys, one of Westeros’s greatest power brokers, and even Westeros’s greatest swordsman, Jamie Lannister, who went through a kind of symbolic castration when his hand was chopped off, all ended up either more powerful or experienced personal growth after brutally losing their manhood.
Now we’re left to wonder what Theon, who was one of the most whiny, daddy-issues riddled characters on the show, will be transformed into after living through the ultimate torture.
Best bilingual character.
If the Red Wedding gave audiences the most horrific moment, Dany’s “Oh by the way I speak fluent Valyrian. Now, I’m going to liberate all your warrior slaves and let my dragon toast you. Who’s the bitch now, Bitch?” gave us maybe the best “Hell yeah!” moment of the whole series.
We’re going to hold on to that image and not wolf head dead Robb because we’d liked to get some sleep the nine months we impatiently await round four of the Game of Thrones.
Stannis Baratheon. No one this boring deserves the Iron Throne.
