Houston, We Have Problems
The Texans are still best in the NFL in one critical measure
OK, let's get to the one thing the Texans excel at: The tailgate!
Gary Kubiak is much too fit to be a Texas football coach.
Now, Wade Phillips, that's a coach with some tailgating belly power.
Sure, winning games is important, but as any true Houston Texans fan knows, there’s something equally important about our home team.
It’s called tailgating.
So while our team had its ups and downs on the field this year, and the NFL playoffs started Saturday with no sign of our boys (again), we had another Super Bowl caliber tailgating season, and no one can take that away from us.
Thus I was surprised to see that during the recent discussion about personnel changes no one talked about who could best contribute to a tailgate. Let’s break it down now:
Gary Kubiak
A native Texan, Kubiak spent several years in Denver where he must have picked up healthier eating habits. Frankly, he is too fit for a real tailgate and seems to have forgotten Texas’s four main food groups: Queso, beer, brisket and Lipitor.
Should spend the off-season trying to improve the defense and eating at Goode Company Barbeque.
Wade Phillips
Based on his good cheer and girth, our new 3-4 loving defensive coordinator is a welcome addition to any tailgate. Wade looks like he wakes up every day and tailgates for breakfast. He no doubt knows his way around a smoker; stories about his father Bum and working for Jerry Jones are an added bonus.
Bob McNair
A true gentleman, the much maligned Texans’ owner adds a touch of class to any tailgate. Gets points for being the only man in Texas who can pull off a mock turtleneck and blazer and not get punched.
I’m glad McNair didn’t hire Cowher. He’s too intense for a tailgate. MORE CHARCOAL! TURN THE FRANKS! YOUR WEINER IS BURNED! YOU CALL THAT GRILLING, YOU JERK! Besides the intensity issue, he's shown bad judgment in keeping his mustache.
Rick Smith
Our current general manager and I’m guessing the man who cracked down on the pre-game partying this year by requiring a ticket to tailgate. Very undemocratic move — this is Texas not England, football not tennis. We eat brisket and beer, not strawberries and cream — Yoplait or whatever they have at Wimbledon.
Bad tailgater, should have been fired.
Texans Defense
Appeared to be thinking about tailgate while on field. Would allow visiting fans to penetrate tailgate perimeter and steal cold beer.
Texans Cheerleaders
Need to be replaced. Despite my numerous invitations, failed to appear at my tailgate and/or Jacuzzi afterparty. Failed to respond to numerous Facebook friend requests and/or pokes. Asked the Houston Police Department and a district judge to keep me 200 feet away from them.
Toro
The Texans’ mascot. Appears to be high all the time. Good chance he’ll get stoned and fall into grill, lighting himself on fire and causing troubling image for youth of tailgate.
A native of Houston, Doak Weyburn was kicked out of several colleges and forced out of two hedge funds. A subject of several SEC, FBI and DEA investigations, he currently resides in River Oaks under an assumed identity. For more of Weyburn's musings, check out his website houstonwehaveproblems.com.
