Trendysomething in Somo
Urban proposals: Some novel ideals about what to do with the burnt-down Talk ofthe Town
We'll miss you, Talk of the Town.Photo by Cameron Blaylock
The new Montessori school will feature perfunctory sign language classes.
Envision a 24/7 bitch fest grind party in this pink shelter.Photo by ConnectATX
Only one day after I moved a few houses down from the Talk of the Town (also known as Highway 420) at the corner of Mount Vernon and Richmond, the beloved if blighted head shop was caught in a fire. Tragically, a man inside died in the accident.
The neighbors' relationship with T.O.T.T. was always tangled. At once a trashy eyesore with a shady reputation, the shop also provided generous sales on homoerotic literature and was always there when you couldn't quite place your paraphernalia past midnight.
Or so I heard.
Anyway, we've all had our celebrating/mourning phase, and it's time to look towards the future. Here are some proposals for the site formerly known as Talk of the Town:
University of St. Thomas Medical School
Essentially just across Richmond from the main UST campus, the plot fits the university's M.O. of repurposing neighborhood bungalows into bastions of higher education. Could this be the next Baylor?
Garden variety lesbian club
With Chances' passing, ladies who love ladies in the 'Trose have been pretty hard up. Envision a 24/7 bitch fest grind party in this pink shelter, featuring dreadlocked temptress bartenders, patchouli Jell-O shots, frozen vodka pole dancing and Pakistani pashmina slip-n-slides. You'll spot local celesbians and lesbutantes beyond the Annise Parkerazzi at the VIP U-Haul-cum-party-bus in the back, accessible only with the top-secret password, "Second Chances."
These days, everyone's having a gayby — which apparently is a very complicated process. Let's streamline the shenanigans by creating a one-stop-shop for prospective gay dads to get the deed done with a resident caché of willing women and fertile gal pals.
Montessori pre-school
Every once in a while, hipsters forget their birth control, miss abortion appointments, and therefore have a baby. And that baby needs an education. As such, the lingering reefer fumes may give way to a new era of liberal education at Talk of the Town. There will be no need for name or sign changes, as it will literally be where toddlers learn to talk.
Museum of Self-Checkout Machines
Kroger's maligned automated cashier stands didn't just disappear (I assume). They're works of art that embody a particular Montrose era that needs to be remembered: A time when one could purchase wine coolers and Magnums without fearing a judgmental eye, or clandestinely ring up organic kale as iceberg lettuce. This museum will offer a resting ground for those hallowed computers.
Laser Tag bar
This option caters to locals' appetite for childhood nostalgia and love of partying. Dark cavities will provide semi-private space for mischief, while the kegs of bespoke cocktails on tap will give Grand Prize a run for its money. Slighted accompanists for Buxton and the Young Mammals may be located inside the subterranean speakeasy talking about their side projects as they arrange lines of Adderall in preparation for their morning shifts at Black Hole Café.
Starbucks
Because everyone loves frappucinos! Mmm! Yummy!
Surrogate mother brothel
These days, everyone's having a gayby — which apparently is a very complicated process. Let's streamline the shenanigans by creating a one-stop-shop for prospective gay dads to get the deed done with a resident caché of willing women and fertile gal pals. Combined with the sorostitutes at the adjacent Jackson's Watering Hole, it's the closest we'll get to a vibrant red light district.
