Movie Review

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You captures the chaos and comedy of motherhood

Conan O'Brien and Rose Byrne in If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

Photo courtesy of A24

Movie history is littered with depictions of stressed-out mothers who have breakdowns due to the pressure put on them by their children, spouses, or society in general. Recent examples include Hereditary, Tully, and Nightbitch, with each of them finding different ways to depict their main character’s struggles. Yet another put-upon mother goes through the wringer in the oddly-named If I Had Legs I’d Kick You.

When we meet Linda (Rose Byrne), she’s already in the middle of a huge ball of stress. Her daughter (Delaney Quinn) suffers from an unnamed illness that requires around-the-clock care and frequent doctor visitors. Her husband, Charles (Christian Slater), is a boat captain whose job keeps him away from home for long periods of time. And her job as a therapist requires her to hear other people’s problems, necessitating her seeing a fellow therapist (Conan O’Brien) on a daily basis.

Nearly everyone else she encounters in the movie adds to her anxiety, including Caroline (Danielle Macdonald), a new mother who’s constantly worried about her baby; Dr. Spring (Mary Bronstein), who constantly harps on Linda to get her daughter to eat; an officious parking attendant at the hospital; and a sneering desk clerk at the motel she and her daughter are forced to stay at after a plumbing disaster at home. Consequently, she dismisses James (A$AP Rocky), another motel worker, the one person who treats her with a modicum of kindness.

Written and directed by Bronstein, the film is a harrowing experience that somehow also manages to be darkly funny at times. Linda is dealing with way too much for one person to adequately handle, something that is compounded by the fact that nobody really listens to her, not even the therapist she’s paying to do so. Scenes bounce back and forth between Linda demonstrating righteous anger at what the world is throwing at her and crushing guilt over supposedly not doing enough for her child.

Bronstein depicts Linda’s journey in a number of interesting ways, some straightforward and others not so much. Bronstein makes liberal use of close-ups on Linda’s face, heightening the feeling that the world is closing in on her. The plumbing problem at her home results in a huge hole in the ceiling, which becomes the source of some unexplained phenomena, a choice that might have been unnecessary.

What’s most striking about the film is how hardly anyone is on Linda’s side. Since the film joins the story as it’s already in progress, the audience is left to guess as to how Linda has behaved in the past to garner such negative interactions from people who should be helping her. While she’s not a perfect person, she also doesn’t appear to be such a jerk that she should be treated with disdain everywhere she goes.

Byrne, who’s gravitated toward lighter roles in recent years, is an absolute marvel in this part. The more stress Linda feels, the more she becomes disheveled, and Byrne makes you feel every ounce of the character’s pain. O’Brien, who’s rarely had to play anyone but “Conan O’Brien” before, is surprisingly good, tamping down his comic sensibility to complement Byrne well. A$AP Rocky also makes a nice impression, elevating a character that’s a little underwritten.

The role of a mom is never an easy one, and that’s in the best of circumstances. If I Had Legs I’d Kick You — a title that is never explained yet still somehow fits — earns its stripes by demonstrating how the often thankless job of motherhood can become even more distressing when the mom in question is given little to no support.

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If I Had Legs I'd Kick You opens in Houston on Friday, October 31.

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weekend event planner

Here are the top 14 things to do in Houston this weekend

Photo by Dave Rossman

Chefs for Farmers returns this Saturday and Sunday.

It may not feel like fall outside in Houston, but fall festival season has arrived. This weekend is loaded with options, including a the largest indoor Japanese festival in Texas, a celebration of Slavic culture, and a two-day food and wine extravaganza featuring more than 60 top chefs.

Beyond all these opportunities for eating a drinking, this weekend's best bets include a casino-themed fundraiser, YouTube stars in concert, and one of Colombia's most celebrated pop stars. Plus, the Houston Symphony celebrates the Queen of Rock 'n Roll.

Thursday, September 24

Houston Grand Opera presents Music-Stories-OPERA!
This interactive opera experience introduces students to the art form through live music, storytelling, and audience participation. Attendees will hear selections from classic operas, guess the languages of famous arias, and collaborate with professional artists to create a brand-new mini-opera in real time. The program is designed to inspire curiosity, creativity, and a connection to opera in young attendees. 11 am.

Le Colonial Houston 10th Anniversary
The upscale Vietnamese restaurant in River Oaks District is celebrating its 10th anniversary with a week of special dining and entertainment offerings. People can enjoy a limited-time menu celebrating the signature dishes and flavors that have defined its decade in Houston. The celebration comes alive on Saturday, at 5:30 pm, as a traditional lion and dragon dance winds its way through the restaurant. The performance will usher in good fortune, prosperity, and a new decade for Le Colonial. Through Wednesday, October 30. 11:30 am.

Epilepsy Foundation Texas presents Violet Royale
Epilepsy Foundation Texas will present Violet Royale, a casino night fundraiser where folks can enjoy casino games, cocktails, and entertainment while supporting critical programs for the nearly 300,000 Texans living with epilepsy. Funds raised support epilepsy clinics, support groups, youth camps, mental wellness resources, and seizure first aid education statewide. Tickets are $200 and up. 6 pm.

Theatre Under the Stars presents The Music Man
Meredith Willson’s six-time Tony Award-winning beloved musical comedy follows the fast-talking traveling salesman Harold Hill as he cons the people of River City, Iowa, into buying instruments and uniforms for a boys’ band that he vows to organize. The classic musical features songs such as “Seventy-Six Trombones,” “Trouble,” “’Till There Was You,” “Pick-a-Little,” and “Gary, Indiana.” It also inspired one of the all-time great episodes of The Simpsons. 7:30 pm. (8 pm Friday; 2 & 8 pm Saturday; 2 pm Sunday).

Friday, September 25

Mighty Acorn Productions presents Babette's Feast
In a remote village where tradition and sacrifice shape everyday life, the arrival of a mysterious outsider quietly transforms an entire community. Based on Isak Dinesen's short story, made famous by the 1987 Oscar-winning film (one of the best foodie movies ever made, BTW), this stage production explores the extraordinary power of generosity, artistry, and human connection. Through Sunday, October 4. 7:30 pm (3 & 7:30 pm Saturday; 3 pm Sunday).

Drunk Shakespeare Society presents Drunk Dracula
After centuries cooped up in his creepy old castle, Transylvania's thirstiest bachelor needs fresh blood to maintain his youthful looks and chiseled physique. At each performance, one ensemble member consumes five shots of the liquor of their choice to start the show, then leads the rest of the cast through a boozy, pop culture-infused retelling. While the sober cast attempts to stay on script, the show shifts with the actor's level of intoxication. Through Sunday, November 8. 7 pm (3 pm Sunday).

Houston Symphony presents Simply the Best: A Tribute to Tina Turner
Houston Symphony will celebrate Anna Mae Bullock – better known as Tina “The Queen of Rock ‘n’ Roll” Turner – in this powerhouse tribute starring Tony-winning sensation Adrienne Warren, star of Broadway’s Tina: The Tina Turner Musical. Audiences will hear all the songs you know and love, including “The Best,” “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” “Better Be Good to Me,” and more. Hopefully, she’ll also perform those couple songs from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. 7:30 pm (2 and 7:30 pm Saturday).

Saturday, September 26

Tokyo X
Tokyo X will be an immersive weekend celebrating traditional Japanese culture, anime, gaming, food, fashion, music, automotive culture, and live entertainment. This year’s festival will feature one of the largest Japanese historical exhibits ever presented at a consumer event in Texas, showcasing more than 1,000 authentic artifacts, including samurai armor, Japanese swords, artwork and cultural treasures dating back hundreds of years. 10 am.

Chefs For Farmers Food and Wine Festival
Chefs For Farmers Houston Food & Wine Festival is a two-day extravaganza for H-Town foodies, featuring over 60 chefs and local farms that will unite for bites, pours, and culinary moments. The fest proudly showcases top culinary talent for unforgettable experiences, while supporting invaluable farmers and producers who grow, harvest, and supply the ingredients that bring culinary culture to life. Attendees will enjoy cocktails and wine, live entertainment, activations, and more. 1 pm. (1 pm Sunday).

SANMAN Studios present Tay Butler: The Great Camouflage opening reception
The solo exhibition from artist Tay Butler takes its name from the seminal 1945 essay by French-Caribbean theorist/activist/Surrealist Suzanne Césaire and features new work across painting, collage, video, and sculpture. Working to recover the energy of the 1960s-70s era Black political movements, Butler’s artistic practice draws from his two-decade-long experience in the U.S. military and a deep curiosity about Black popular culture. Through Sunday, November 29. 2 pm.

Dan and Phil: Hard Launch World Tour
YouTube icons Dan and Phil finally hard launched and, in this unhinged and unafraid new era, they'll present an explosive new stage show featuring outrageous oversharing, scream-laughing, and celebrating that we’re all still here and we made it. This show is for everyone — from casual male-podcast listeners, to friends & fam that lost bets, and the people that have been there since the beginning. 7:30 pm.

Sunday, September 27

Sts. Cyril & Methodius Slavic Heritage Festival
The Slavic Heritage Alliance of Greater Houston will present the annual Sts. Cyril & Methodius Slavic Heritage Festival, a celebration of the traditions, cultures, food, music, dance, and history of Houston's Slavic communities, including Croatia, Czech Republic, Poland, Slovakia, and Ukraine. There will also be a kids’ corner, with free face painting, games, and crafts all day long. DJ Alex Schumsky will also be spinning tunes and keeping the party going. Admission is $10, but kids get in free. 11 am.

River Oaks Theatre presents Union County with Adam Meeks Live
Will Poulter and Noah Centineo deliver pitch-perfect performances as brothers Cody and Jack Parsons, each navigating a court-mandated drug rehabilitation program in a pocket of rural Ohio hit hard by the opioid epidemic. Provided with hope for the first time since their struggles began and with the support of a tireless counselor (Annette Deao), the brothers work toward a brighter, sober future. Writer-director Adam Meeks will be in attendance for a post-screening Q&A. Noon.

Karol G in concert
It’s been a good year for Colombian pop goddess Karol G. Along with being the first Latina recording artist to headline Coachella, the Latin Grammy nominations were just announced and she’s been nominated for Record and Song of the Year for her Marco Antonio Solis duet "Coleccionando Heridas," and for Album of the Year with Tropicoqueta. You can catch her this weekend at Reliant Stadium, where she’ll be performing tunes. 7 pm.

Photo by Dave Rossman

Chefs for Farmers returns this Saturday and Sunday.

things to do tina turner houston event-planner weekend events