h-town All aglow

Houston's most spectacular winter light shows and events dazzle for the holidays

The plunging thermostats, decorations decking the halls of stores and homes, and wintry music all mean one thing: the holiday season in Houston is finally here.

For many, that means a merry tradition of donning warm winter wear and strolling through the dozens of holiday light displays around the city.

From cosmic Christmas at Space Center Houston to a wild affair at the Houston Zoo to wondrous spectacles at Houston Botanic Garden and downtown Houston, these festive events are sure to light up Yuletime. Here's our roundup of where to see dazzling lights with family, friends, and visitors — from new events to ongoing spectacles.

Four Seasons Houston annual tree lighting
Head to what's been called "Houston's Living Room" downtown for a beloved and grand affair in the Four Seasons' elegant lobby. The fun includes a hot chocolate station, TUTS Choir performance, eggnog and Champagne, and the lighting of the hotel’s stunning Christmas trees. The free event takes place iin the lobby, with a portion of the proceeds from Bayou & Bottle and Toro Toro benefitting Camp H-Town. Free. November 22. 5-7 pm.

Wortham Center Tree Lighting
The annual holiday kickoff offers pictures with Santa, kid-friendly activities, and a special performance by members of the cast of Houston Grand Opera's El Milagro del Recuerdo. Free. November 23. 11 am to 1 pm.

Uptown Holiday Lighting
The cherished Houston family tradition, now in its 34th year, takes place on Thanksgiving evening. Thousands are expected to gather for the illumination of Uptown’s 300 custom, 20-foot holiday trees along Post Oak Boulevard from the West Loop to Richmond Avenue. The free family event features a market with holiday shopping and treats, street entertainment, and a special appearance from Santa and Mrs. Claus. Following the ceremonial lighting of the trees, the evening will close with a brilliant light show and fireworks. November 24. 4-7 pm.

Post Oak Hotel
Registered guests can celebrate the hotel's annual tree lighting with festive beverages and live music. There's also a gift cart to find a special gift for everyone on the list. November 26. 5 pm.

Reliant Lights Mayor's Holiday Spectacular
Gloria Gaynor brigs some soul and sass to this annual event held at Houston City Hall. There will be a tree lighting, music and performances, and photos with Santa. Free. All are encouraged to bring something to donate to the Houston Food Bank or Toys for Tots. December 3. 6 pm to 8 pm.

Deck the Park at Memorial Park
Deck the Park brings thousands of lights along the park's half-mile promenade at the the Eastern Glade. A ticketed preview event on December 2 at 4 pm is a family-friendly affair, featuring crafts, treats, and more. The $85 family pack includes five tickets, five mugs of hot chocolate, and a picnic blanket. December 3 through January 1, 2023. Sundown.

Ongoing

Lightscape at Houston Botanic Garden
Lightscape (read our full story here) lets guest wander the garden's winding paths, exploring illuminated installations, a tunnel of lights, and other enchantments, all set to holiday tunes. $26 to $28, adults; $16 to $18 children ages three to 15. Through January 1, 2023. Timed entry begins at 5:30 pm.

Zoo Lights
The Houston Zoo transforms into a winter wonderland with this beloved annual event. "Snowy Slopes" features ski lifts near the Reflection Pool. Life-sized animal lanterns light the zoo's winding paths. Look for a 33-foot, color-changing holiday tree, perfect for photo opps. From $21. Through January 8, 2023. 5:30 pm-10:30 pm.

Dasher's Lightshow
Head to Humble for this multi-sensory experience featuring mesmerizing lights flashing in sync with music, light-adorned tunnels, and twinkling Christmas decorations along a mile-long route. Guests have the option of driving along the route or parking and watching curated segments of the show. $29.95 per car to drive; $9.95 per person to park and watch. Through December 31.

Galaxy Lights
Space Center Houston's annual spectacular is an immersive experience with space-themed light installations. The new Deep Space Backyard is a journey through the solar system. A crystal fireworks display showcases the colors of the galaxies, one of only two such displays in the world. Tickets start at $19.95. Through January 1, 2023.

Holiday Lights at Constellation Field
This Sugar Land event features more than three million lights, 10 themed areas, holiday shopping, and much more. It's family friendly, offering plenty to do for all ages. $15 adults, $12 children ages four to 12. Through January 1, 2023. 6 pm.

City Lights Downtown Holiday Magic
Explore all of downtown Houston through a variety of lighted displays and holiday attractions. (Read our full story here.) Check out the 30 illuminated Christmas trees in the George R. Brown Convention Center. Visit the Land of Sweets in the Hilton Americas Houston. Head over to Main Street for Santa's Village. See Market Square Park transformed into Mistletoe Square. And walk through 100,000 twinkling lights in the Theatre District. Download a pass with all the attractions listed and check off those visited for a chance to win prizes such as tickets to the Alley Theatre's A Christmas Carol. Through January 2, 2023. 5 p.m.

Texas Winter Lights
Head to the Marriott Marquis Houston in downtown for this interactive experience on the deck of the iconic Texas-shaped pool. Expect Insta-worth backdrops, light displays, and killer downtown views. Tickets start at $25. Through January 6, 2023. 5 pm to 10 pm. Weekends only for non-hotel guests.

Magical Winter Lights
Head to Houston Raceway Park in Baytown for this illuminated spectacular that features lantern displays, a caste-themed entrance, and fun for the whole family. For an extra fee, families can attend a performance by Circus Espana, which transports guests to a 1920s winter tale in a faraway place, a story told through jugglers, acrobats and a little magic. $25 adults, $17 children ages 2-12. Through January 7, 2023. 5 pm to 10 pm Sunday through Thursday; 5 pm to 11 pm Friday and Saturday.

Festival of Lights
Moody Gardens glitters up the holiday season, with this mile-long stroll lit by more than 2 million lights and accented by holiday music. Stops along the route feature a dancing Christmas tress, holiday-themed concessions, and more. Through January 7, 2023.

Christmas Village
Walk across an illuminated bridge and into a winter wonderland at the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston's Bayou Bend and Gardens. This immersive experiences includes tours of the historic Hogg mansion, holiday carols, sledding down a faux-snow slide, photos with Santa for an extra fee, and more. $15 adults $10 children ages five to 12. December 9- December 30. 5:30 pm to 9 pm.

Photo courtesy of VisitHouston.com

Texas Winter Lights is back at Marriott Marquis’ Altitude Rooftop & Pool.

Movie Review

Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

Photo by Matt Grace

Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

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Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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