Ballas for Baby Daddy!

The real story of Sarah Palin on Dancing with the Stars: Did Bristol the pistoldrag her back from Alaska?

The dance couple's official "Dancing with the Stars" photo
Photo by Bob D'Amico/ABC
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas, after rehearsal, went to Alaska together.

Next in line to be Bristol Palin’s baby daddy? Her Dancing with the Stars dance partner Mark Ballas!

After Palin received decent reviews for her sexier than expected first performance on DWTS (she moved her hips a little and tossed her hair, how shocking!) Bristol returned home for vacay with Ballas in tow. They claim they’re just “friends” but I don’t buy it. Those clips from Wasilla shown before Bristol's second dance Monday night looked awfully chummy.

And what else do you think finally dragged Sarah Palin into the ABC studio to watch Bristol dance in person Monday besides over-controlling mom paranoia? Do you think she was really guilted into it by Kelly Osbourne? Or that the former governor of Alaska just couldn't wait to unleash that "Bristol the pistol" line on America?

"It's awesome," Bristol said of having mom in the audience. "I'm glad she made it tonight."

Ouch. What else do you think Bristol is zinging Mamma Palin with?

According to Ballas’ tweets he joined Bristol on the Alaska trip to play a show in Anchorage last Thursday night.

The dancer has been twit picing his Alaskan excursion. Unfortunately none of his photos include slain boars or tanning beds, the two most appealing features of the northern oil state. He did, however, pose for a pic with Mamma Bear Sarah Palin.

Also cheering for Bristol is former DWTS contestant Kelly "I’m-a-skinny-bitch-now" Osbourne. Osbourne claims she empathizes with Bristol Palin because Bristol lacked family support in the audience in week one.

"I have a real soft spot for Bristol Palin. I really do," Osbourne said on a recent Ellen DeGeneres Show. "To not have a family member in the audience is the hardest thing in the world. Half of that show is family support, and to go out there that first week and not have anyone there, and having everybody looking at you the most — I give her so much credit."

While I understand commiserating over not having good old mom and pop to applaud you, it seems strange that the British rocker chose the spawn of an anti-feminist as her favorite. (She had purple hair; that means she’s a hip liberal, right?)

I bring you the real reason Kelly likes the abstinence-only teen mom hypocrite: The girl is thick. OK, I’m not going to call her a fattie. But when compared to the svelte professional dancers, Bristol's a heffer. Even when put next to contestants Audrina Patridge and Jennifer Grey she’s, well, fluffier. Kelly knows how that is … or how that was, rather.

In response to rumors of her possibly dating DWTS contestant and Jersey Shore star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (which may or may not have been started by CultureMap's own Caroline Gallay), the 19-year-old Bristol shot back, “Isn’t he, like, 30?”

Actually he’s 27, and eight years is an acceptable age difference. Nine years is when it gets creepy — trust me, been there.

Personally I’d like to see Kelly and Bristol form a lezzie power couple. That would certainly ruffle a few feathers in Hollywood.

Just imagine Sarah Palin and Ozzy as in-laws: Sarah Palin shooting wild boars, Ozzy biting off their heads and drinking their blood. All the while Bristol and Kelly lounge by a glacier and talk about feelings over a bowl of granola.

That’s one reality show I wouldn’t miss.

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Movie Review

Animated Lord of the Rings prequel offers nostalgic return to Rohan

Photo courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

Hèra (Gaia Wise) in The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim.

The Peter Jackson-led Lord of the Rings movie trilogy in the early 21st century was such a smashing success that people have been trying to recreate that magic for a long time. First came the ill-conceived The Hobbittrilogy, which made lots of money despite mostly poor reviews. The recent Amazon TV series, The Rings of Power, has gotten generally good reviews, but doesn’t seem to hold a place in the wider pop culture consciousness.

And now comes The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim, an anime-style film that seems like an attempt at both reclaiming the world in animated form from the weird 1978 film, and a nostalgia play for fans of the original series. Set 200 years before the events in J.R.R. Tolkien’s books, it nonetheless takes place in two very familiar locations that are recreated to appear exactly like they looked in Jackson’s films.

The story centers around Hèra (voiced by Gaia Wise), the only daughter of King Helm (Brian Cox) of Rohan. An early conflict with Lord Freca (Shaun Dooley) leads Freca’s son, Wulf (Luca Pasqualino), to develop a deep grudge against Helm and his family. Wulf pursues that ill will for years, eventually driving his foes into a fortress in a valley to make a final stand against his aggression.

Based on information found in the appendices of Tolkien’s novels, this is the rare instance when choosing to use animation holds back the creativity of a film. Typically, animation allows filmmakers to do things that wouldn’t be possible in the real world, but director Kenji Kamiyama and his team seem beholden to the look of Jackson’s films. While the animation itself is great, it doesn’t offer the fluidity of live action, and so the action scenes are often stilted and flat.

The story itself is not very compelling, as a quartet of screenwriters have concocted a plot that relies on revenge and heroism tropes that allow the audience to predict almost everything that happens. There are a few surprises to be had, but as the conflict revolves around a strong-willed female and her unwillingness to be told whom to marry, it’s generally clear how the story will be resolved, with only the specific details left to be discovered.

It also would have been great if the film weren’t so dependent on nostalgia for the original films. The two main locations are ones that played a big part in set pieces from those films, and their usage here doesn’t measure up favorably. Eowyn (Miranda Otto) serves as narrator, and other characters/actors from the original trilogy also make appearances, leaving little room for this film to establish itself on its own terms.

The majesty of the original Lord of the Rings trilogy, with its New Zealand vistas and incomparable visuals created by Wētā Workshop, set a high bar that none of the subsequent projects have been able to meet. The War of the Rohirrim is a competently-made film, but it doesn’t hold up to scrutiny with the Oscar-quality work of 20+ years prior.

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The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim opens in theaters on December 13.

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