What’s there to do in DC? Forget the Smithsonian. The Real Housewives of D.C. this week suggests swilling Virginia wines, bitching about etiquette breaches, attending vicious parties, and skipping out on the bill for a friend’s party are all the rage.

Oh, and talking about politics.

This week’s episode begins with Stacie and Jason sipping wine at Sugarleaf Vineyards, the only African American-owned winery on the east coast. Michaele and her husband, the tasteless Tareq, show up overdressed and in a white stretch limo. Michaele saunters in a tan fur-trimmed cape while Tareq offers a gift bottle from his own Virginia vineyard. Then the bassoon kicks in with a bumbling tune as he seizes control of an informal tasting. Bravo uses just the right music to tell us when someone is a clown or a loser, labels that fit Tareq like an ill-chosen glove his wife might have picked up on the clearance rack when she worked at Nordstrom’s.

As the guests amble amongst the vines, Stacie asks everyone, “So what do you really think about Obama?” What a relaxing question!

Tareq is excited about Obama’s take on Israel and Palestine, though he never says anything specific about it. Michaele manages an answer to make the slickest spin-doctor squeal: “He tries to pull everyone together – the red and the blue—and make it red, white and blue.”

What is there to say except “Michaele for President, 2012!” She might be just the one to give Sarah Palin a run for her money.

But the real scandal this week involves last week’s vicious party. Just as we thought the ever-sweet stylist Paul Wharton had cast the spell of his infinite charm on these squabblers, reality came crashing down. Michaele and Tareq made a big spectacle of themselves last week as the “hosts” of his birthday party, but it seems their lawyer had a different take. Paul’s publicist Charlotte breaks the news that their lawyer wanted a signed document releasing the Salahis of any financial responsibility before they would step foot in the restaurant. Well, that explains how late they were to the party. And Lynda just thought they were tasteless trash!

After Tareq apparently told at least one table to have a good time because he “spent a fortune” on the party, it turns out, as Paul sums it up: “He brought one bottle of champagne that he lanced on Linda’s ass.” The ever-proper Mary isn’t having it: “In D.C., etiquette says that if you’re hosting a party, you’re paying for the party.” You tell ‘em, Etiquette.

Michaele and Tareq, apparently, do have enough money to book a sudden trip to Paris, with only three days warning. To fly Air France three days from now would cost a hefty $8,295 per person, first class, according to our quick check. We doubt very seriously that they flew coach, and they weren’t staying at a charming garret rental in Montmartre, but rather a stone’s throw from the Champs-Élysées.

When Stacie and Jason meet the Salahis at their hotel, Tareq opens a $1,000 bottle of Dom Perignon as opposed to a more affordable option from his own vineyard in Virginia. We couldn’t help but notice that they didn’t pour this precious nectar into proper champagne flutes but standard white-wine goblets. And a few of the guests had plopped strawberries in their glass. Ouch. At least there was no sabre this time.

On an afternoon shopping jaunt, Stacie confides in Michaele that she’s been searching for her biological father. If she doesn’t have a private detective yet, she might want to touch base with Danielle Staub in New Jersey. It seems Stacie’s way ahead. She’s already made contact with her birth mother, but apparently they’ve had “a complete breakdown.” That’s because Stacie wants to meet her biological father who doesn’t know he had a daughter decades earlier. Michaele feigns compassionate concern, but she seems preoccupied with her hot pink shopping bags and hideous tan-leather pants suit, which does go remarkably well with strawberries and champagne.

Meanwhile, the sultry Mary has been working on a small restaurant party for stylist Ted Gibson. She worries that his salon in Chevy Chase won’t succeed unless she gives him the proper introduction to D.C. society. We can only guess that his Fifth Avenue salon in New York must be doing just fine, but it’s a nice thought, Mary.

As they prepare for the party, Lynda says she doesn’t want to sit anywhere near the Salahis, later explaining that she worries about “their energy field. “ She’s got a point, since Tareq is an egregious ass. Finally the dreamy Paul arrives and he’s the only one who is wearing anything even remotely interesting. Our guess would be Vivienne Westwood whereas Michaele seems to have stolen Violet Beauregarde’s blueberry outfit from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Paul is also the only forgiving character in the bunch as he avoids a fight with the Salahis. Of course he does look like he wants to crawl under the table and beat his head on the floor until he passes out, as Tareq rambles on about the 20 pounds Michaele gained since they married six years ago. “She’ll eat a whole chicken breast, a whole filet mignon!” he explains. Wow, a whole chicken breast? And what does she eat the next month? We have to agree with Linda’s advice for Michaele: “Get rid of your husband!”

But Lynda is feeling the love for Cat, who she calls her “soul sister.” When the lovey-dovey duo decides to include Stacie in their imaginary soul-sister band, they tell her she can be Diana Ross. Her friend Erika isn’t having it, and says to Stacie quite loudly, “Apparently we have a black girl in the group.” Now Cat is offended and forces Paul to listen to her declarations about how she’s “so not racist, or sexist.”

Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister…