Lindsay Lohan, left, reacts with her attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, aftersentencing by Judge Marsha Revel in Beverly Hills, Calif.
Lohan flaunted her alcohol monitor at the Polaroid beach house a few summersago.
I wonder if she'll go natural before reporting to jail. Those roots are bound tobe nasty after 90 days.
It was hard not to feel a pang of sympathy for Lindsay Lohan watching her reaction upon hearing she'd been sentenced to 90 days in jail and an additional 90 days in an in-patient rehab facility, that is until Judge Marsha Revel read off the list of her offenses and finely illustrated the actress' complete disregard for reality. (In her two DUI arrests, Lohan lied about driving the car, and told an officer to his face she "didn't do drugs" when she had cocaine in her pocket. She denied even owning the pants she was wearing.)
Lohan appears so delusional when it comes to her own accountability that I think jail will be easy for her — she can ride out her sentence in her own fantasyland, where her cell is the Chateau Marmont, the toilet seat is covered in blow instead of filth, and the people heckling her are ardent fans.
But in case she's at a loss for what to do with her court-ordered personal time, and because I'm fond of making lists, here are the top five ways Lindsanity should spend her jail time:
- Write tiny messages on her fingernails and hope the other inmates have zoom lenses.
- Plot revenge — on her father for partying without her, her attorney for sucking at her job, the judge for being a bitter bitch, and her imaginary friend for loaning her those pants.
- Strike up another ill-fated lesbian relationship.
For a series whose first two films made over $5 billion combined worldwide, Avatar has a curious lack of widespread cultural impact. The films seem to exist in a sort of vacuum, popping up for their run in theaters and then almost as quickly disappearing from the larger movie landscape. The third of five planned movies, Avatar: Fire and Ash, is finally being released three years after its predecessor, Avatar: The Way of Water.
The new film finds the main duo, human-turned-Na’vi Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) and his native Na’vi wife, Neytiri (Zoë Saldaña), still living with the water-loving Metkayina clan led by Ronal (Kate Winslet) and Tonowari (Cliff Curtis). While Jake and Neytiri still play a big part, the focus shifts significantly to their two surviving children, Lo’ak (Britain Dalton) and Tuk (Trinity Jo-Li Bliss), as well as two they’ve essentially adopted, Kiri (Sigourney Weaver) and Spider (Jack Champion).
Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang), who lives on in a fabricated Na’vi body, is still looking for revenge on Jake, and he finds help in the form of the Mangkwan Clan (aka the Ash People), led by Varang (Oona Chaplin). Quaritch’s access to human weapons and the Mangkwan’s desire for more power on the moon known as Pandora make them a nice match, and they team up to try to dominate the other tribes.
Aside from the story, the main point of making the films for writer/director James Cameron is showing off his considerable technical filmmaking prowess, and that is on full display right from the start. The characters zoom around both the air and sea on various creatures with which they’ve bonded, providing Cameron and his team with plenty of opportunities to put the audience right there with them. Cameron’s preferred viewing method of 3D makes the experience even more immersive, even if the high frame rate he uses makes some scenes look too realistic for their own good.
The story, as it has been in the first two films, is a mixed bag. Cameron and co-writers Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver start off well, having Jake, Neytiri, and their kids continue mourning the death of Neteyam (Jamie Flatters) in the previous film. The struggle for power provides an interesting setup, but Cameron and his team seem to drag out the conflict for much too long. This is the longest Avatar film yet, and you really start to feel it in the back half as the filmmakers add on a bunch of unnecessary elements.
Worse than the elongated story, though, is the hackneyed dialogue that Cameron, Jaffa, and Silver have come up with. Almost every main character is forced to spout lines that diminish the importance of the events around them. The writers seemingly couldn’t resist trying to throw in jokes despite them clashing with the tone of the scenes in which they’re said. Combined with the somewhat goofy nature of the Na’vi themselves (not to mention talking whales), the eye-rolling words detract from any excitement or emotion the story builds up.
A pre-movie behind-the-scenes short film shows how the actors act out every scene in performance capture suits, lending an authenticity to their performances. Still, some performers are better than others, with Saldaña, Worthington, and Lang standing out. It’s more than a little weird having Weaver play a 14-year-old girl, but it works relatively well. Those who actually get to show their real faces are collectively fine, but none of them elevate the film overall.
There are undoubtedly some Avatar superfans for which Fire and Ash will move the larger story forward in significant ways. For anyone else, though, the film is a demonstration of both the good and bad sides of Cameron. As he’s proven for 40 years, his visuals are (almost) beyond reproach, but the lack of a story that sticks with you long after you’ve left the theater keeps the film from being truly memorable.
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Avatar: Fire and Ash opens in theaters on December 19.