Beware the terror of the tanga
Don't save all your venom for BP: Companies with Secrets you should hate
In The Daily Beast's list of History's 13 Most Hated Companies, you'll find memorable cameo appearances by all the usual suspects. While we often bang our heads against the wall over the algorithms (or lack thereof) used by The Beast to give shape to such rankings, there aren't necessarily a great deal of quibble contenders here.
You can't deny that Chest-Pain Cheney at the helm of Halliburton's war-profiteering was a far cry from a modern-day Robin Hood. And no refreshing thirst for haterade is quite quenched without the trifecta of chemical conglomerates that set out to eradicate the environment — BP, Exxon, and Union Carbide, to be exact.
But we don't think The Daily Beast's list was as venomous as it could've been. And as good journalists, we practice due diligence, so you don't have to be bothered.
Therefore, we'd like to file a motion to amend, your honor. We wish to introduce Exhibit A: History's Most Hated Companies Addendum into evidence.
On the one hand, the scrawled nonsense of an Affliction T-shirt makes the process of spotting a douchebag infinitely easier. So we reckon we should be thanking Affliction in that regard, at the very least.
On the other hand, as an enabler of the United Douchebag Liberation Movement, it's a disservice to everyone when one douchebag can easily identify another douchebag. And because there's strength in these numbers (see also: Washington Avenue), indicting Affliction is a no-brainer.
Tootsie Roll Industries
And specifically, the Tootsie Roll Pop. Look, kids ask the questions; adults give the answers. That's just the way it works.
"How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?" What? What were they thinking? What an egregious display of a corporation shirking its responsibility! Shifting the burden of discovery back to the innocent consumer, c'mon!
Tootsie Roll should've known that a lifetime of vexation would follow in pursuit of that answer, not to mention recurring nightmares of Mr. Owl's menacing beak. We lost pivotal hours of sleep and missed out on frivolous tween fraternizing because of that ignorant little inquiry.
Big ups to you, Tootsie Roll, for haunting us far into adulthood and keeping our shrinks employed for years to come.
What secret? Judging by those glossies that somehow end up in your mailbox, Victoria's cat has been out of the bag since before the Laetitia Casta days, so to speak.
A quick glance around, oh, the world reveals that women's breasts don't resemble ripe grapefruits in taut slingshots, 99.9% of females prefer utilizing all buttons of their blouses, and "tanga" is in no one else's vocabulary as anything but a "tango" typo but Victoria's.
The lingerie litterbug has benchmarks that are impossible to attain, much like discovering BP's safety standards, and thus earns a spot in the villain lineup.
With over 650 locations, Gold's Gym is arguably the world's largest chain of co-ed athletic centers in the world. Meaning if it wasn't for Gold's Gym jump-starting the exercise craze, we'd all have lives of total leisure.
Without Gold's Gym, there'd be significantly less pressure to worry about physical fitness (nota bene: we also wouldn't have legwarmers, but it'd be a sacrifice worth making), and there'd be a great deal more free time.
As stressful as our lives are these days, it's agonizing to have to factor in our health on top of it all. Thus, our headbands do not go off to Gold's Gym for pushing its corporate goals of fit living down the throats of the already overwhelmed American people.
Which companies would make your version of the America's Most Hated list and why?