The ringer & a Ranger at Richmond Arms

Satisfying, sweaty U.S. World Cup tie: Beat by the heat, but not the Brits (withvideo)

I feel like I did my bit for USA's World Cup soccer team today. I got to Richmond Arms at the ghastly hour of 6 a.m., and then sat through two matches while waiting for U.S.-England to kick off around 1 p.m.

I hadn’t been sure if I really needed to be that early to get a seat, but, given the crowds that can gather at Houston's Mecca of football viewing, I decided to be there when the doors opened.

It turned out to be a little overzealous. Between 20 and 50 fans filed in for the first match, South Korea v. Greece. I could’ve slept in. I was far from the most exhausted fan, however.

Of the six people seated at my banquette, three had pulled all-nighters. Two of them said they were American soldiers — one a West Point graduate, no less, and the other was a Ranger. After facing the harrows of war, they said, they would have no trouble keeping awake until the 1 p.m. kickoff. Alas, the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak, and I lost track of them as the crowd swelled.

The third sleepless man was more fortunate; a long-time U.S. resident of Korean ancestry, the improbably named Madison (I’ve actually tweaked his name in case he’d rather I not report on his merry-making) was there to see South Korea take on Greece in the early match.

Madison had bet one of his fellow car mechanics (a Salvadoran, he thinks) that he would shave his head if South Korea lost, while his co-worker only had to put up $10. Madison had nothing to worry about as his team cruised to an easy victory, while Greece looked lackluster at best. After the match he went off to the garage to work. I hope it was a slow day at the shop.

The bar filled to an agreeable level for the second match — Argentina v. Nigeria. Some Nigerian fans started to sing and the match began with a lovely atmosphere. Argentina could only capitalize on one of its many scoring opportunities — brilliant Lionel Messi fired again and again to no avail — but still took a comfortable 1-0 win.

Then came the main event, U.S. v. England. There had been verbal skirmishes throughout the early morning over the placement of each country’s flags, and so on, and the Yanks gave as good as we got. There was even a chant of “BP sucks,” which the Brits didn’t seem to take too personally. (Not to be glib, but if there were no BP in Houston, then there would be no Richmond Arms either.)

I’d say there were more Americans than Brits inside the bar. Tension built as kickoff neared. The English sang their anthem, “God Save the Queen,” then the Americans responded with the most powerful “Star-Spangled Banner” that I’ve ever been a part of. I think we made Richmond Arms vibrate.

I wish that the right-wing grouches who claim soccer is a fundamentally un-American game could’ve heard our patriotic, and surprisingly emotional, rendering, and perhaps joined in.

The game began on a disastrous note for the Yanks, as England’s Steven Gerrard scored a very easy fourth-minute goal. The U.S. looked overmatched for most of the first half, and then they got lucky. A routine Clint Dempsey shot spun away from goalkeeper Robert Green and trickled across the line.

Cue the roaring at Richmond Arms.

And the sweating. The legendary pub’s air-conditioning was no match for the crowd, and it got really, really hot inside. Over 100 degrees, I’d say with some confidence. The crowd was pretty well wilted by the end of the 1-1 draw.

The event wound up being an ordeal, and I’m not sure I’d do it again. (Of course, today may have drawn the biggest crowd Richmond Arms will see.)

On a related note, I’m told by reliable sources that Discovery Green drew "at least 4,000" to the Dynamo-sponsored viewing of the game. That’s an extraordinary number, and I wonder what it means for future outdoor events.

Robert Green's moment of gaffe:

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Movie Review

Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

Photo by Matt Grace

Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

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Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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