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    London Falling Down

    A loser with baggage: Kalon McMahon Bachelorette booted with righteous F-Bombfury

    Tyler Rudick
    Jun 11, 2012 | 11:34 pm
    • Emily confronts Kalon and the next thing we know it's "Get the fuck out" (mouthblurred by ABC).
      The Bachelorette/ABC
    • Emily turns the tables on Kalon, asking him to "let me finish, as I learned fromyou."
      The Bachelorette/ABC
    • During a group-date Shakespearean performance, Kalon takes his role as Romeovery seriously, going to far to to shoo away Emily for a chance to rehearse.
      Photo by Nick Ray/ABC/The Bachelorette
    • Kalon and Emily during happier times
      Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC
    • Long a front-runner, Arie, in dress to right, was narrowly spared Monday afterEmily confronted him for not standing up for her during the Kalon debacle.
      Photo by Nick Ray/ABC/The Bachelorette
    • Our man Kalon returns home, in a cab and not a helicopter as he arrived in,after a wildly entertaining five-week appearance.
      The Bachelorette/ABC

    Oh, how the mighty fall . . . After miraculously surviving four weeks of The Bachelorette season eight, Houston reality bad boy Kalon Joseph Reid McMahon finally took it too far Monday night, launching Emily Maynard into a self-described "West Virginia-style" rage and losing his chance at finding love on national television.

    It all started with a passing comment during a casual tableside chat between Kalon, Arie the racecar driver and Jef with one f, who arrived with the other remaining suitors for several days in London. Back at the temporary bachelor pad, spirits are a little low after Emily selects Sean for a one-on-one evening, relegating the rest of the gentleman to a group date the following day.

    "If you become part of her life," Kalon snickers, "pretty much any date's going to be a group date — you, her and (her daughter) Ricki."

    Never one to like an uncomfortable silence, Kalon chimes in to console his fellow contestants. "If you become part of her life," he snickers, "pretty much any date's going to be a group date — you, her and [Emily's daughter] Ricki."

    Arie gently redirects the conversation and, later that night, Dallas-native Sean scores himself a rose.

    The next day brings a hoarse voice for Emily and special trip to Stratford-upon-Avon for a group date performance of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

    Irked he's lost out to Jef for the second one-on-one date, Kalon finds solace in being selected by the bachelorette to play the coveted role of fair Romeo. Oddly, he appears so consumed by the responsibility of playing one of the production's lead characters that he goes so far as to shoo away Emily with the now infamous line: "We need to get back to rehearsals. You can run along."

    But the true Shakespearean tragedy takes place after the show at a local pub where our hometown hero tells Chris — who sometimes looks like young Gary Sinise, right? — that, after the busy group date, he'll only "get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her.”

    True? Yes. Something to say on camera? Not really.

    Chris is pissed and tells the rest of the gang about their conversation as well as a moment the previous night when Kalon called Ricki the ultimate b-word . . . "baggage." Doug, the single father who's hated Kalon since he said he was putting his son "on hold," is livid and demands an apology from the Houston bachelor.

    Kalon refuses to stand down, noting that he chose the word poorly and that he intended to say Ricki was a responsibility. Doug tells Emily. Emily confronts Kalon and the next thing we know it's "Get the fuck out."

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    Movie Review

    Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

    Alex Bentley
    Dec 26, 2025 | 2:30 pm
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda
    Photo by Matt Grace
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

    In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

    The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

    Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

    Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

    The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

    It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

    Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

    Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

    ---

    Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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    news/entertainment

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