It's gotta be tough being gangsta' when you only weigh about 100 and change.
Unlike past 50 Cent shows in Houston in which the Queens rapper (born Curtis Jackson III) took the stage yoked with muscles, scarred from past bullet wounds and boasting the most coveted rap records in the country, the new 50 Cent (who hits the Arena Theater Saturday night) is a shadow of his former self in more ways than one.
His last album, last year's Before I Self Destruct, sold a bit over 500,000 copies in the United States, which is a far cry from the nearly eight million copies of his major label debut, Get Rich Or Die Tryin' back in 2003. Back then, 50's mix of tough talk and helplessly catchy beats and rhymes on songs like "In Da Club" and "P.I.M.P." were the toast of the rap world.
Unfortunately, rap superstardom goes bad quicker than an avocado and fans have long since moved on to newer, younger talents (Rihanna ... Drake ... are you listening? The clock is ticking. Enjoy it while it lasts).
Rather than fade into obscurity, however, 50 Cent has thrown himself into movies in a rather disturbing way. In the last few months he has lost over 50 pounds in preparation for a role in which he plays a football player stricken with cancer. Recent pictures of him show his former bulky frame stripped down to bones. Truth be told, he looks a little malnourished.
While prepping for the movie he has also put the final touches on a new album, Black Magic, scheduled to be released later this year. With any luck he'll preview a few of the new rhymes in Houston.
The main attraction, however, will be to see what 50 Cent looks like in the flesh ... which is about all he has left.
Most children who grew up in the '80s were either a fan of or knew about Masters of the Universe. The property, based on a line of toys from Mattel, spawned a popular-if-short-lived animated TV series, comic books, a comic strip, magazines, and a 1987 live action film starring Dolph Lundgren. It is now the latest IP to get a nostalgic reboot in the form of a new blockbuster film.
Nicholas Galitzine stars as Prince Adam of the planet Eternia, who as a child is exiled to Earth to protect the Sword of Power from invaders led by the evil Skeletor (voiced by Jared Leto). Years later, Adam is now working in the human resources department of a generic company, well-versed in corporate speak but disconnected from his heritage other than a never-ending desire to find the sword he lost when he crash-landed on Earth.
Spoiler alert, he recovers the sword and is soon thereafter rescued from Earth by childhood friend Teela (Camila Mendes). Adam’s return to Eternia is less-than-stellar, as the citizens have difficulty believing he’s the long-lost prince, especially because he initially can’t harness the power of the sword. Naturally, he figures it out eventually, leading to a number of face-offs between him and Skeletor’s minions.
Directed by Travis Knight (Bumblebee) and written by a four-person writing team, the film is yet another cynical attempt at exploiting a certain group’s nostalgia without putting any effort into actually making a good movie. The very first scene of the film is a CGI-filled battle between characters that have barely been introduced, much less explained to the audience. For longtime fans, this will be no issue. For everyone else, though, it immediately signals that the filmmakers don’t care about making them care about anyone or anything in the story.
Instead, they substitute actual character development with a campy and self-deprecating vibe that’s in line with the original series. That’s all well and good if the intended audience was solely 50-year-olds, but for a movie that presumably wants to bring in younger audiences, it’s a choice that never fully comes through. Some characters try to be funnier than others, and most of the “jokes” land with a thud since the tone hasn’t been properly established.
Worst of all, there are never any meaningful stakes in the film. Adam is impervious to damage, something that would have been truly funny if commented upon, but instead is just treated as fact for no good reason. Skeletor is not intended to be a fearsome villain, as he often bumbles through scenes or line deliveries, but the lack of a truly terrible enemy keeps the story stuck in neutral. Combined with bloodless PG-13 fight scenes with no sense of realness to them, there is rarely anything about which to get excited.
Galitzine has turned heads as both a gay (Red, White & Royal Blue) and straight (The Idea of You) romantic interest, but he can never find his footing as the leading man here. The film never allows him to develop into a true action hero, so instead he comes across as a pretender most of the time. Mendes is okay, but she, too, isn’t given the opportunity to become much more than a sidekick. Idris Elba is entirely wasted as Teela’s father Duncan. Leto lets loose, which works because he’s the only character without a recognizable face.
There may be a world in which rebooting Masters of the Universe makes sense, but it does not exist when the film that is offered doesn’t even try to appeal to anyone who doesn’t have a deeply ingrained knowledge of the decades-old property. By relying on nostalgia instead of good filmmaking, the film may get good box office returns on opening weekend, but it’s difficult to imagine that it will endure.
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Masters of the Universe opens in theaters on June 5.
