The new Robert Pattinson?

Why Floyd Landis is clearly lying about Lance Armstrong: This vampire doesn'tshare

Maybe, Lance Armstrong can get a part in the new Twilight movie.

The Texas sports icon — held up as an inspiration by so many cancer patients — finds himself being accused of storing blood (his own and other cyclists) in his refrigerator. Floyd Landis — the American cyclist stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title for failing a performance-enhancing drug test — is charging Armstrong with being a sports cheat, while finally admitting that he is one himself.

This is the same Landis who wrote an entire book (Positively False: The Real Story of How I Won the Tour de France) that vehemently proclaimed his wide-eyed innocence of any drugging, the same Landis who tried to use his devout Mennonite upbringing in Pennsylvania as proof that he couldn't have cheated. Armstrong, of course, denied the new Landis allegations before crashing his bike and getting bloodied but not broken (just released X-rays show that Armstrong's elbow is not broken) in a Tour of California race.

Denying allegations of performance-enhancing drug use has become almost a full-time second career for Armstrong.

And Lance can rail about how he's never failed a drug test all he wants, there's plenty of smoke billowing around him. You'd also have to be more than a little naive to assume that anyone in high-level, competitive sports is clean these days. Yet with all that said, Landis is probably lying in this case.

Landis comes across as whistle-blowing fraud because Armstrong is way too calculating, controlling and careful to have revealed anything to this nut job. Landis has never come across as the most stable guy in sports. Other cyclists would roll their eyes at Landis long before he became momentarily famous.

Do you really think that Lance Armstrong is giving that guy a key to his apartment in Girona, Spain and charge him with making sure that the stash of secret blood (for illegal blood doping transfusions) kept in a fridge in the closet doesn't go bad as Landis alleges? If Armstrong did have a fridge of blood in his closet is Floyd Landis the guy he'd entrust with checking up on it (ensuring the power doesn't go out in the apartment) while he's away?

Sorry, that doesn't add up.

Armstrong is not Texans linebacker Brian Cushing. He's not some dumb jock who got caught by a system (the NFL's near-token drug testing) that's almost designed to snare as few people as possible. Armstrong's either shockingly clean or he's avoided being nabbed by some of the most sophisticated drug testing in the world for years.

Either way, Armstrong is the control freak of control freaks.

I've covered him at the infamous Tahoe celebrity golf classic — the summer escape where the biggest names in sports really let loose and in Ben Roethlisberger's case get accused of rape. This is an event where athletes completely let down their guard and party — everyone except Lance Armstrong. He came into Tahoe like he was a U.S. president visiting Iraq.

Even in that setting, Armstrong and his team micromanaged every detail, limited his public exposure and insisted that there not be any 1-on-1 interviews. Armstrong's security was so tight that you literally couldn't get within five feet of him. This guy couldn't relax in a hot tub.

Yes, Landis used to be Armstrong's cycling teammate (really Armstrong was his boss). But that also means that Armstrong would have been even more aware of how unstable and often stupid Floyd Landis is.

No way, he trusts that guy with his ultimate secrets.

Lance Armstrong might have a vampire fridge (or several) hidden somewhere. But if he does, it seems fanciful to think that Floyd Landis would ever be in a position to more than imagine it.

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Movie Review

Knives Out series takes a more serious turn in Wake Up Dead Man

Photo by John Wilson/Netflix

Josh O'Connor and Josh Brolin in Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery.

Since 2019, writer/director Rian Johnson has essentially turned over his career to murder mysteries, including 2019’s Knives Out, 2022’s sequel Glass Onion, and the just-canceled Peacock series Poker Face. He’s back for another bite of the apple with Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery.

While private detective Benoit Blanc (Daniel Craig) returns to help investigate a seemingly impossible murder, the majority of the focus of this film is on the employees and parishioners at a small Catholic church in upstate New York. Father Jud Duplenticy (Josh O’Connor) has been assigned to the parish to work under Monsignor Jefferson Wicks (Josh Brolin). Wicks is a fiery orator who relies on intimidation, as well as the help of church aide Martha Delacroix (Glenn Close), to maintain control over his flock.

That group includes lawyer Vera Draven (Kerry Washington), her politically ambitious brother Cy (Daryl McCormack), Dr. Nat Sharp (Jeremy Renner), writer Lee Ross (Andrew Scott), cellist Simone Vivane (Cailee Spaeny), and groundskeeper Samson Holt (Thomas Haden Church). The tenets of Catholicism, and religion in general, are put to the test as Father Jud challenges Monsignor Jefferson for leadership, and a death changes things even further.

The free-wheeling and fun nature of the first two Knives Out films gives way to a more methodical and introspective approach in Wake Up Dead Man. While Johnson is interested in presenting a murder mystery, it’s the lives of the various characters that take precedence, especially that of Father Jud. He is shown from the start as someone who wrestles with his faith, which is tested on multiple occasions as he encounters people who challenge him more than expected.

The arrival of Blanc on the scene turns the film into a type of buddy movie, with Father Jud serving as both investigator and suspect. Neither man embodies the type of behavior one might expect out of their respective professions, and what limited comedy the film has comes from their interactions. They’re reined in by Police Chief Geraldine Scott (Mila Kunis), although her desire to get to the bottom of the murder is somewhat stymied by Blanc and Father Jud’s diversions.

The lessons learned from two very different types of sources — mystery novels and Catholicism — collide over the course of the film. A book club that very coincidentally includes multiple mystery novels, including John Dickson Carr’s The Hollow Man, plays a key role, as does the devoutness of the various people at the church. Ultimately, as was the case in the first two films, the nature of the whodunit comes in second place to how the characters react to the multiple reveals along the way.

Craig seems to tone down the over-the-top way he usually plays Blanc in this film, and his performance fits in well with the story being told. O’Connor, a star on the rise after Challengers and more, is asked to carry the film and he does so ably. The strong actors in the supporting cast are not used as well as they could have been, with only Close and Brolin truly making an impact. Geoffrey Wright shows up in a couple of small scenes and makes his presence known quickly.

Wake Up Dead Man is the least entertaining Knives Out film so far, but that’s not to say that it’s uninteresting. Johnson explores topics that result in more talking than action, but those conversations — especially between Blanc and Father Jud — are consistently engaging and revelatory about the characters and the crime they are investigating.

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Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery is now playing in select theaters; it debuts on Netflix on December 12.

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